


SkarmorySilver's PPC Interludes of Various Natures

by SkarmorySilver



Category: Protectors of the Plot Continuum
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2019-09-21 14:05:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 42,951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17045117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkarmorySilver/pseuds/SkarmorySilver
Summary: As the title says. Featuring some never-before-seen interludes written since 2015!





	1. Watch Where You're Going!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which an author’s persona meets his embarrassing old OC.

**Watch Where You’re Going!**

 

  * **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. The _Pokémon_ franchise belongs to Nintendo, and all other canons and continua mentioned belong to their respective owners. Agents Falchion and Lapis Lazuli belong to me.
  * **Betas:** eatpraylove and Voyd.
  * **Original Posting Date:**  November 16, 2015



 

One good thing about Rudi’s: the food served is better than in the Cafeteria by a noticeable margin, if a bit more expensive. It was no surprise, therefore, that a decent amount of agents visited the bar whenever they needed food for this exact reason.

The laws of probability dictate that eventually, two of those agents will visit at the same time. The Laws of Narrative Comedy dictate that when that happens, the two agents will literally run into each other.

In his defense, Falchion (in his human disguise) was thinking more about the food he was going to order than the exact route to the counter. So he didn’t realize that a blue-haired girl with an Oshawott in her arms was coming his way until they’d already collided.

“Ow! What the—”

“Ah! Sorry, sorry! Got distracted!” Falchion instinctively backed away.

The Oshawott brandished its scalchop at him accusingly, and the girl bared a set of shark-like teeth as she retorted, “Well, watch where you’re going next time, you—”

She stopped talking, her arms dropping to her sides (and giving her Oshawott a moment to freak out before falling to the floor). There was something familiar about this guy’s messy black hair, his dark brown eyes, and the rushed, frantic way he had spoken just now…

Before he could say anything, she’d hugged him tightly round the waist.

Falchion had no idea what had gotten into her, so after a moment’s deliberation, he decided to awkwardly return the hug. “Uh, are you okay?”

With a startled yelp, she pulled away. “Y-yeah! I’m totally fine! Sorry… You just looked like… I just…” She hid her face behind her hands, blushing. Falchion realized that one of her hands was in fact a prosthetic, but he decided not to openly acknowledge it.

“Do I know you from anywhere?”

The girl looked at him again, a little confused. “Uhm, no? Why?”

He smiled a little. “You’re Lapis, right? Sarah’s partner?”

Her face fell. “Y-yeah. I, uh, guess I should be going…”

Falchion glanced around the bar. “Hey, are y— er, _were_ you looking for somewhere to sit? I think we’ve got time to talk about this. Sarah’s my sister, after all, and I’m sure she’s told you a lot about me, so… yeah.”

Lapis reluctantly agreed, and the two of them found an empty table and took their seats, opposite of each other with the Oshawott and Falchion’s bag opposite them both. Right away, the waitress attending the table gave all of them their menus and silverware, and Falchion began studying his menu with an absent-minded expression.

“So… Come here often?” Lapis asked.

Falchion looked up at her. “Yeah, well, the food’s good here. It’s the only place where I can eat decent stuff when I’m not on missions.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking! It’s a shame I didn’t get to visit more often before I became an agent — I had a hard time trying to ask the Nursery staff if I could leave without supervision.”

“Understandable. Wait, the Nursery?” He looked at her, a little confused. “How old are you?”

“Oh? I just turned thirteen this past June.”

“Ah, happy late birthday, then!” He paused, blinking. “…wait, you’re an agent already? An actual bona-fide agent? I know Ripper told me about what happened to your arm a while ago, but I still find it hard to believe…”

“You’d better believe it. I know, it’s been hard—” she held up her right arm stump so he could see it — “but I seem to manage.”

“But how? You’re only thirteen. I mean, I know Sarah’s underage, too, but she’s a _Super_. You’re just a little girl with blue hair and a missing hand.”

The Oshawott glared at him briefly before going back to the menu.

Lapis likewise scowled, gritting her shark-like teeth. “Are you trying to tell me I’m not good enough to be an agent?”

“Oh nonono, not at all! I’m just concerned that you’d get yourself hurt, or worse. I mean, you’ve already lost a limb, so…”

She glared down at her menu. “Look, this isn’t the first time that I’ve had people tell me they thought a twelve-year-old fighting toe-to-toe against Mary Sues is a ridiculous notion — especially a disabled twelve-year-old — but that doesn’t make it sound any less insulting. These people, and you by extension, obviously haven’t met Toph Beifong. I know I did back in my…”

Suddenly, she snapped her head up, her large blue eyes widening. “Hang on. That’s it!”

“What?”

“I think I know—”

But she was interrupted by the waitress appearing again. “Have you decided what you want to eat?”

Lapis let out a small shriek and cowered next to Falchion, who tried to push her away. The Oshawott bonked its furry white forehead against the table.

“Y-yeah!” Falchion said to the waitress. “I’ll have the usual — Brock’s famous Five-Alarm Chili and a cup of fresh-cut Mago Berries.”

He covered his mouth, blinking slowly. “Wha — H-how did I know that?!”

“Know what?” asked the waitress.

“Never mind. I’ll take a _Chili con carne_ and the Mago Berries, plus a Diet Dr. Pepper without ice. What about you, Pi—er, Lapis?”

Lapis didn’t notice that he was waiting for her answer until a few seconds later, probably due to her staring at him in total shock.

“Oh! Uh, yeah. I’ll have sauteed Krabby claws with Nomel Berry sauce, a fresh Tropius fruit, and a Caterpie Cola. Triton would like a steamed Shellder and a water bowl.”

“Oshaaaa~!” The Oshawott, apparently named Triton, raised its scalchop in approval.

The waitress noted down the order, thanked them, and made off with the menus, leaving the three of them to look at each other in stunned silence.

“What. The heck. Was that about?” asked Falchion.

“What was that about?! You still remember!” replied Lapis. “I knew you’d escape, too!”

Falchion blinked at her again. “Me? Escape? I just happened to end up here at the PPC via a plothole.”

“Of _course_ you did. We both did. Right, Andrew?”

His eyes widened, and he slowly turned his head away. He hadn’t realized until now that Lapis really _did_ look familiar, and not just because she was partnered with his adopted sister.

He made to stand up. “I’m sorry, Pi, but could you tell the waitress to cancel my order? I need to head back to my RC—”

She grabbed onto his arm. “N-no! Andy, don’t leave me again! It’s been two years and I didn’t even know you were here all this time and—”

“I’ve only been here for _one_ year. And my name isn’t Andy. It’s Falchion.”

He looked down at her just in time to notice her and her Oshawott’s matching, very convincing “sad Growlithe puppy” expressions. Falchion sighed, sat back down, and buried his face in his hands.

“What’s happening to me?” he moaned. “I’m literally talking with my stupid old OC…”

“Hey, I’m _not_ stupid!” Lapis was now visibly annoyed. “At least not compared to my partners, anyway.”

He rounded on her. “Dissing my sister in response to me lamenting that one of my old shames is literally right next to me, huh? At least Sarah was a _decent_ character, and she still is.”

Triton frantically tried to find a way to defuse the argument, but the two agents were already verbally tearing into each other.

“You weren’t so well-written yourself, for your information!” Lapis shot back, a cross-popping vein appearing in her hair. “The circumstances of your birth made _no_ biological sense, you dragged me into a ridiculous subplot, and Ash and Aang and all the other canons were just _there!_ ”

“Lapis, I’m only going to say this once. _I’m not Andrew!_ Not anymore!”

“Then why do you look just like him?”

“This is a disguise. And no, my true form is _not_ some dragon-winged shameless self-insert who rides on the coattails of people on deviantART like some leeching hack with no sense of respect!” He inhaled deeply before adding, “ _That_ ship has sailed, thank you!”

“Oh, so you _were_ Andy, weren’t you?” She grinned smugly, baring her pointed teeth. “Denial is the proof, you know!”

Triton glared at Lapis this time, shaking his head slightly. But unbeknownst to the others, a whole host of memories were already flooding back to Falchion by now. But what could he tell her?

He turned away, huffing. “Why should I care if I was? The Andy you knew is gone. He _should’ve_ been gone.”

“Then why am I still arguing with him? Is it because of the author thing? If you _aren’t_ Andy, are you _still_ a self-insert or not?”

He thought for a moment and then sighed. “I _am_ a self-insert, but I’m _not_ Andy. I’m not even human in this life. I’m a Skarmory, and I just use this disguise when in public so I won’t have to worry about accidentally disemboweling someone while trying to shake their hand. Among other things.”

There was a long moment of silence. Then Lapis asked, her voice trembling slightly, “T-this life? Does t-that mean… Is h-he…”

He looked at her, his expression regretful, and nodded slightly. “…Yes.”

The dam burst right then and there. Tears welled up in Lapis’ eyes, and then she slumped over the table. Next moment, Falchion began hearing her muffled bawling.

Triton decided he’d had enough. Opening up Falchion’s bag, he fished out the collar with his Universal Translator and snapped it over his forehead. Then he hopped onto the table, waddled over to the male agent, and dope-slapped his face with his scalchop, before speaking in the voice of a little boy.

“Nice going, genius! You made my master _cry!_ ”

Falchion looked at him in surprise, but then his face twisted in regret. “So, what? I wrote both her _and_ Andy. She would’ve known anyway sooner or later.”

“Yeah, but coming from you? How could you be so insensitive?!” Triton dope-slapped him again. “You’d think you’d treat her with a little more respect than that!”

“She was as much of a Sue as Andy was back then!” Falchion rubbed his cheek, scowling. “It’s a miracle she escaped, let alone survived for three years without anybody noticing her.”

“For your information, you birdbrain, other agents _did_ notice! They saw worth in her, and they still do! Think about it: what does she have that Andy didn’t?”

Falchion looked first towards Triton, then to the still-weeping girl. He had to admit, the Oshawott had a perfectly valid point — unlike Andy, Lapis _had_ developed as a character.

Of course, there were a few things in her favor. For one, she wasn’t an author insert. But she _had_ looked up to the character who _was_.

While Falchion was thinking of all this, Triton had moved over to console his trainer, pressing his whole body against her head.

“It’s okay, Master… It’s okay. He may be gone, but, well… for what it’s worth… I’m still here for you.”

“Y-you… c-can… talk?” Lapis asked, looking up at him.

“Oh, this?” He pointed at the device strapped to his forehead. “This is just a Translator. I had to borrow it from Falc— er…”

They had both turned to Falchion, who was gazing down at his lap. Looking up to see her red-faced and teary-eyed, he instinctively handed her his napkin.

“N-no thanks, I’ve got my own,” she replied, before taking it and blowing her nose with a loud HONK.

“I’m so sorry,” said Falchion, reaching out and patting her shoulder.

“A-and I’m sorry, too, for snapping like that… I thought you really _were_ him… that he, well… hadn’t…” She buried her face in her hands, sobbing again.

His expression turned thoughtful. “Can I tell you guys something?”

“Hmm?”

“Did Sarah tell you about my first mission? The one that led to her being recruited?”

“Oh! The badfic with over eleven continua?” asked Triton.

“Yeah, that’s the one. That one had a self-insert of my author, too. And sadly, I wasn’t any better in _that_ fic.”

“Terrordactyl?” asked Lapis, wiping the tears from her cheek. “Sarah said you were the one who killed—”

“She helped, sort of,” replied Falchion. “She was just as happy to find out the truth as you were.”

“I heard.”

“You know what I told her?”

“Yeah?”

“Even though Terrordactyl was a goner, I was still willing to be her brother. I still have his memories, including the time I spent with her. And now, well, I have Andy’s memories, too. So I’m still willing to be the kind of friend he must’ve been to you — just, well, better-written.”

“But it’s not the same! You yourself said that you aren’t—”

“Andy? Yeah, I know. But I don’t have to be. I think it would be better for both of us if you got to know me as I really am, as my author really is. I may still be a bit cocky, but I _try_ to respect how people feel. And I certainly don’t have dragon wings, either… Tch, go figure.”

Lapis’ eyes widened again, and she smiled for the first time since her outburst. She would recognize that saying anywhere.

“Look,” the disguised Skarmory continued, “I understand that our author made a _lot_ of mistakes back in the day. But the thing is, he’s learned so much since then. And you know what, so have you.”

She looked away, blushing a little. “You mean you… You still have faith in me? After everything that happened?”

He smiled and stroked her hair. “I’ve never _not_ had faith in you, for two reasons. First, we’ve only just known each other in person for like what, ten minutes or something?”

“Seven minutes and thirty-four seconds, and counting,” said Triton.

Falchion laughed. “And second, I completely understand how you feel, having to live with your past like this. Though in my case, I’ve got multiple histories, some unwritten, some… well, you know. I can say with confidence that I’ve got it worse than you!”

It was Lapis who laughed this time. The mood improved, Falchion and Triton were happy to join in — and in the case of the former, allow her to hug him a second time.

The waitress arrived just then, wheeling a cart with everyone’s food. Triton scampered back to his seat, hastily taking off the Translator and putting it back in Falchion’s bag.

“Your food, everyone,” the waitress chimed, handing out the plates and drinks to each of them. She also passed a stack of extra napkins to Lapis and added, “For you, I believe. I’m sorry for your loss, miss.”

Lapis squeaked in fright and disengaged from the other agent.

“Don’t worry,” said Falchion, patting the top of the smaller girl’s head. “We’ve already sorted it out.”

The waitress nodded. “And you would do well to get a Translator of your own,” she added to the Oshawott. “I think it’ll be quite helpful in the future. Now, enjoy your meal!”

The agents and the Pokémon thanked her before she headed off. Before Falchion could bolt down his meal, though…

“Hey, uh, do you think we could do a toast or something before we eat?” asked Lapis. “I’ve always wanted to try one.”

“Oh?” asked Falchion. “What would you like on it, Nutpea butter or jelly?”

She chuckled. “Not _that_ kind of toast, Winged Twerp! The one with the cups!”

“Pffft, I _knew_ that already! I was just trying to be funny… Oh, alright.”

The Oshawott tried to pick up his water bowl, found it much bigger relative to his body than a glass, and pouted. The agents, of course, held their drinking vessels up with ease.

“So, to your author?” asked the blue-haired girl.

“To _our_ author, Lapis,” Falchion replied, grinning, before they clinked their cups together. “And as they say in Kalos , _bon appétit_!”


	2. Challenger Approaching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which three different agents react to a rather surprising announcement.

**Interlude: Challenger Approaching**

 

  * **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. All canons and continua mentioned belong to their respective owners. Agents Cupid Carmine, Backslash, and Whitney are mine.
  * **Betas:** Edhelistar and eatpraylove.
  * **Original Posting Date:** December 16, 2016
  * **SPOILER WARNING:** Readers are advised to watch [the December 15 _Super Smash Bros._ Nintendo Direct](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1JERhUoQoU) before reading this interlude.



 

“ _Another_ rep from _Fire Emblem…”_ Backslash shook his head. “Dear Bionis, why can’t they give the other franchises a bit more love? I was hoping for the Inklings myself…”

“Hey, now, using the main character to promote the new _Fire Emblem_ game’s American release worked for Marth and Roy, didn’t it?” Cupid replied, patting his shoulder. “And for the record, _Fire Emblem_ isn’t the franchise that’s gotten the most publicity from _Smash._ It’s just that people happen to love the warriors and princes, so cut them some slack, will you?”

It had been Backslash’s idea to bring the angel to RC #88224646BA, initially to play a few rounds of _Super Smash Bros._ for the Wii U but, more importantly, to watch the final Nintendo Direct for the game, which they were doing right now along with Whitney. She wasn’t particularly excited about, or annoyed by, the reveals that Cloud Strife and now Corrin, the protagonist of _Fire Emblem Fates_ , were playable.

“According to a lot of people, that honor would go to _your_ franchise,” said Whitney, ruffling the angel’s brown hair. “Or was that the other way around? I can’t tell anymore.”

“I just wish we got another cool female character by the end of this Direct,” Cupid replied, blushing. “Then we can really call it _Super Bash Sisters_ like Lady Palutena once did!”

“Understandable, though coming from you, that seems more like an excuse to drool over somebody else.” She laughed dryly. “After all, you spent a full two minutes staring at me after I let you in. My eyes are up here, you know.”

Cupid blushed, covering his face with one of his wings. “Y-yeah, that’s _kinda_ part of the reason.”

“They’re listing more Mii Fighter costumes now,” said Backslash. “Are we going to get any new fighters or not?”

“We already _got_ a new fighter, remember?” Whitney chuckled. “And I’m sure you’ll have a lot of fun playing as both Cloud and Corrin. RPGs are one of your favorite gaming genres, am I right?”

“Well, platformers and rail shooters have a special place in _my_ heart,” Cupid replied, beaming. “And what about you, Whitney? Do you like fitness instruction games?”

She gave him a curious look. “Actually, I’m more fond of fighting games, personally.”

“Oh? Like what, _Smash Bros._?”

“I was thinking more along the lines of _Street Fighter_ or _Tekken_. Much more macho.”

Both boys erupted into helpless laughter, and Whitney, rolling her eyes, paid more attention to the direct than usual.

_“It’s been almost one year since we started creating additional downloadable fighters. However, this is finally the climax. Here’s our last fighter announcement trailer. Please take a look at the final new challenger in Super Smash Brothers for the Nintendo 3DS and Wii U.”_

“Oh, here it comes!” cried Backslash. The agents all leaned forward with anticipation as they heard the familiar SCHWING designating the start of the new trailer.

Cupid’s blue eyes widened. “Is that _me?_ ”

“You’re different enough from the canon Pit that I’d have to say no,” replied Whitney. “Still, does this mean a new _Kid Icarus_ fighter?”

“Please don’t let it be Medusa or Viridi,” Cupid muttered under his breath.

 _“Don’t get careless, Pit!”_ Palutena’s voice reverberated from the speakers. _“A challenger approaches!”_

“It’s gonna be Medusa, isn’t it?” said Backslash.

_“Oh! Another angel! Must’ve missed one!”_

Cupid’s jaw dropped. “Is that… It can’t be…”

The swarm of bats flying onto the screen confirmed his expectations, and a moment later, the agents were greeted by the sight of a gorgeous female figure, clad in black from head to toe and armed with a quartet of ornate blue pistols, dropping onto the screen.

_“Let’s dance, boy!”_

_Bayonetta Gets Wicked!_

The agents all sat there in dead silence. And then the floodgates opened as Cupid threw his hands up in the air, spreading his wings, and started screaming.

“AAAAAH! SHE’S IN! SHE’S IN!! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING SHE’S OFFICIALLY IN!!!”

Backslash covered Cupid’s mouth with his hand. “Drunky, shhhhh! You’ll make us miss the rest of the trailer!”

“Mph, mmph! Rrm-mmph!” (“Oh, right! Sorry!”)

The agents watched, almost mesmerized, as the trailer showed off the Umbra Witch’s numerous battle skills, with Palutena and Pit exchanging banter with her the whole time.

“This… Is… _Awesome!_ ” Cupid whispered. “They even used the Umbra Clock from the first game as a stage! And Gomorrah, too?! I can’t believe I’m saying this, being supposedly one of the very creatures she persecutes, but… _I love her already!_ ”

“You don’t say,” Backslash replied. Cupid noticed that he too couldn’t stop staring.

_“Enough talk, goddess! Don’t mess with a witch!”_

With that, the trailer ended, and the Direct moved on to all the gameplay aspects of the new fighter. Cupid and Backslash squeed simultaneously.

“Did you see that?!” Backslash cried. “They even found a way to tone down her stripperiffic nature! This is amazing!”

“I know, right? This game really _is_ shaping up to be like _Super Bash Sisters_ , sort of!”

“Forgive me for being hypocritical about my taunts, but… _She’s really feeling it!_ ”

“Oh, you _didn’t._ ”

“What? You _know_ how she’s like. It was only fair for me to joke that way.”

“You’ve got a pretty low regard for clothes yourself, so no surprise there! Right, Whitney?”

They looked at Whitney, who hadn’t spoken a word since Bayonetta’s reveal. Her expression was unreadable at first, but then they realized that her eyelid was twitching just slightly.

“That _witch…_ She _dares_ to steal my position as the least expected fighter… Her beauty… Her skill…”

“Uh… Are you okay?” asked Backslash, waving his hand in front of her face.

With one swift movement, she slammed her hand against the table, startling the others to the point of faceplanting on the floor. “SHE’S GOING TO _BURN!!!_ ”

The male agents gaped at her, terrified. She turned to look at them with a mix of shock and embarrassment.

“Sorry… Lost it a little there…”

“Yeesh, jealous much?” asked Cupid.

“Admittedly, just a bit.”

“A _bit?_ ” asked Backslash, chuckling. “More like a _lot!_ ”

“Okay, okay. A lot is fine. I’ll be honest here: For so many reasons, I have a sudden urge to beat the stuffing out of her, and relish every single second of it.”

“N-not for real, though, right?” Cupid laughed nervously. “She’s a canon, after all!”

Whitney shrugged. “Well, thrashing her in _Smash_ is fine. At least let us finish the rest of the Direct — I want to know how she plays. I want to fight her, and _win._ ”

The agents shrugged, returned to their seats, and resumed watching the stream.

Once the stream ended, the male agents cheered. “Bayonetta’s in! Bayonetta’s in!! Bayonetta’s in!!!”

Whitney rubbed her forehead. “Please stop, you two. You don’t have to rub it in.”

“Aw, but what’s wrong with her inclusion?” said Cupid. “I know you’ve got problems with her, but she’s so unique! For one thing, the Smash Ballot winner isn’t a swordfighter!”

“Yeah, we’ve got too many of those,” added Backslash. “I know you’re upset about her now, but just give her a chance.”

“There’s no taking her out now that so many have voted her in,” Cupid added. “Who knows? Maybe you’ll even like her.”

Whitney looked at the others for a moment, and then sighed. “I don’t think I’ll reach a point where I’ll genuinely like her as a person, but I suppose I can’t change what the masses want. And hey, there’s still the option of fighting _against_ her, isn’t there?”

“Exactly! Speaking of which, you wanna play some more _Smash_ with the two of us? C’mon, it’ll be fun!”

She smiled and ruffled his hair once more. “Sure!”


	3. How To Train Your T. rex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Suta learns a little more than she bargained for about her training instructor.

**How To Train Your** **_T. rex_ **

 

  * __In which Suta learns a little more than she bargained for about her training instructor.__
  * **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. All continua and canons belong to their respective owners. Tianlong belongs to me, and Suta was originally written by RaverMonki on FanFiction.net and recruited to the PPC by myself.
  * **Betas:** eatpraylove.
  * **Content Advisory:** Mild reader discretion is advised on account of several scenes of intense violence.
  * **Original Posting Date:** March 30, 2016



 

The main street of Jurassic World was in ruins. Everything that had been thrown at the hybrid dinosaur had been an utter failure, and there was nothing left to do but to run.

And that was exactly what the two agents did. For they knew the beast was right behind them, and it was furious.

“Teeth!” the male agent cried. “We need more _teeth!_ ”

The female agent grinned, reaching into her backpack as she ran. She held up a flare and said, “Get her to the meeting point! I’ll be right back!”

The male agent nodded, and the two of them took off. The female ran through the ruined street, until she happened upon the edge of the jungle. Lighting the flare, she held it up for her contact to see.

A pair of amber eyes peered out of the darkness, looking at the flare from twelve feet above the ground. The ground quaked and trembled as the beast stomped forward on two enormous clawed feet. The light of the flare soon illuminated an immense head, with scales the color of foliage and giant razor-toothed jaws that could swallow the agent whole.

The female agent stared up at the beast, and nodded once. The creature nodded back. And then the female agent turned and ran, the animal thundering after her and the flare.

The male agent had reached the intersection in front of the visitor center. The rendezvous point. But where was his partner and their aide?

A long shadow fell across the street, and his target — or rather, his pursuer — came into view. The Sue had taken on the form of a gigantic _Velociraptor,_ her huge curved talons capable of slicing a man in twain.

She opened her toothy maw, screeching with hatred. The male agent turned to flee.

Just then, there was a booming roar, a familiar one to anyone who’s seen the _Jurassic Park_ movies. The female agent raced out of the darkness towards him. “RUN!” she cried, hurling the flare towards the Sue.

The shapeshifter whirled around to face the source of the roar. Charging out of the darkness, forty feet long and eight tons in weight, the _Tyrannosaurus rex_ burst out onto the street, bellowing with rage, and…

…tripped on a random girder that had fallen to the ground. This caused her to end up sprawled on the asphalt, her tiny arms proving useless in slowing her fall.

It was lucky she wasn’t running at full speed, or the impact would have broken her jaw. As it was, she stood up, shaking her head and snorting as though to say, “Nothing to see here, moving on.” The giant raptor cocked her head at her, bemused, her green eyes narrowing as she analyzed her foe.

The _T. rex_ roared yet a third time, and charged at her at full speed. Her jaws opened wide and prepared to lock onto her opponent’s shoulder.

But the Sue was harder, better, faster, stronger. She dodged the bite, swiping at her and gouging a ragged wound into her flank. The _T. rex_ whirled, thwacking her with her tail and sending her sprawling. She caught sight of the agents running for cover, the two of them diving behind a vendor stand. She knew she had to save them, but her opponent was too powerful.

But the Sue noticed them too. Tensing her muscles, she leaped clear over her foe and sprinted at them. The _T. rex_ had to move quickly, or they’d be eaten. She snapped her jaws and bit down on the tip of the Sue’s tail. This caused her foe to falter just long enough for the _T. rex_ to drag her backward, and the green dinosaur flung her away. She swiftly put herself between the Sue and the agents, teeth bared.

Seizing their chance, the agents sprang to their feet and ran towards the visitor’s center. The _T. rex_ looked at them for a split second, relief flooding her body. As soon as they were inside, they would be safe, for now.

Then an enormous pair of claws seized her around the base of her neck. Lifting her high into the air, the Sue slammed her onto the street, leaving a huge crater. Looking up, she realized with a thrill of fear that the Sue had now taken on the form of the greatest predator of Isla Sorna, the _Spinosaurus._

She had to win. If she lost, the Sue would own the island. Then nothing would stop her. She rolled to her feet, trembling even as she stood up, and charged at the Sue, jaws opened for the kill.

Teeth clamped around the top of her neck. Talons gripped against her face and nape, and she felt her spine pop as the Sue twisted it viciously. Rearing upward, lifting her off the ground, she spun around and hurled her towards the visitor’s center.

There was a crashing noise as she smashed against the front door, sending glass shards and splintering wood and concrete everywhere. She lay in a pool of her own blood, every bone in her body broken by the impact. Eight tons of flesh were powerless without the will to move them.

The Sue’s great body began pulsating, scales flowing like water as she changed form once more. As her opponent lay there, helpless, she could see her taking on the most feared shape yet, the hybrid that had terrorized Jurassic World in the first place: the _Indominus rex._

The Sue moved with lightning speed, slamming her massive head against the _T. rex_ before she could even react and sending her tumbling inside the visitor’s center. She reared up, talons and teeth bared, and moved in for the kill. The huge talons flashed, carving three deep bleeding gashes into the green dinosaur’s chest, and she toppled to the ground. With a snarl of triumphant anticipation, the Sue! _I. rex_ closed its horrible fangs around her throat…

 

**********

 

The tyrannosaur snapped back to reality, her massive, olive-green body trembling from snout to counterbalancing tail. It had been all too real, the feeling of pain and fear… and failure. Miraculously, she was able to remain standing for more than ten seconds after the illusion she had been subjected to had been shut off. This was more than long enough to notice the lanky Oriental dragon coiled up in front of her, looking mildly disappointed.

“Let us reevaluate your performance for today’s session, Suta,” said Tianlong. “You failed this demo scenario on account of two critical errors. What was your first?”

She looked down at her three-taloned feet, sulking. “Dammit... I _knew_ I shouldn’t have tripped when making my grand entrance. Stupid me…”

“That is completely beside the point, Suta. Your grand entrance was exactly what drew the Sue’s attention. Predators like tyrannosaurs are _not_ supposed to spring out at prey with a dramatic flourish and a roar of anticipation as they do in popular media - as you have done plenty of times, I am sure. Even _Gonza_ would certainly have known better than to fall victim to such a simple oversight.”

Suta felt a split-second spasm of indignation. Gonza had been the leader of Suta’s old pack in her homefic, and after he had died fighting another _T. rex_ , Heart, Suta had struck out on her own, finding her way to Heart’s territory and staying there for a while. Light, Heart’s adopted brother, had fallen in love with her after she’d attacked him, but she was forced to leave for the safety of the _Maiasaura_ herd, whereupon she’d run into a female _T. rex_ who promptly began fighting with her and then turned into some kind of strange winged mammal. Things had only gotten weirder from there, and now she was out in this strange prairie, with spiky-leaved plants under her feet and a horned serpent talking her down. (Actually, they were in the courtyard of the PPC HQ.)

“Look, Snakey. My brain may not be as tiny as some would say, but could you _please_ talk in a way I can understand? And I don't mean like ‘GRRR’ or ‘RAWR’ or anything, just... Keep your words simple, for crying out loud! It’s like I’m talking to a whole other type of creature!”

He sighed and rubbed a padded, clawed forepaw against the top of his antlered head. “I _am_ keeping my words simple, Suta, and you _are_ speaking to a different species. And in your lingo, you should kindly ‘shut up’.”

She bared her six-inch teeth and growled, but wisely remained silent. Besides, an order was an order.

“So, no dramatic entrances. Got it. And what was my second mistake?”

“You did not pay attention. You are supposed to _protect the agents_ , not win the fight. This is their Duty, and not your own. Worse, your ignorance would have led to the agents’ deaths had this been a real mission. And you certainly would not want blood of that variety on your hands, would you?”

Her jaw dropped. She had completely forgotten about the agents in the simulation. “What happened?! I thought I had it all covered until she jumped me!”

“The Sue did not just cripple you when she hurled you against the visitor’s center doorway. She indirectly killed both of the agents as well, since you landed on top of them and crushed them under your weight. If you had been aware of that risk, you would have tried to lead the fight away from the visitor’s center and allowed the agents to regroup. Attention to your surroundings is paramount when protecting both the plot continuum and other individuals.”

Suta gave him a look of horror and outrage. “ _What?!_ ”

“Your performance was abysmal, Suta. I am so sorry, but your disregard of even _basic_ rules and protocol may imperil your prospective responsibilities of both supporting agents on Duty and keeping Headquarters safe from external invasion.”

The two reptiles stared each other down for ten full seconds, the dinosaur furious and the dragon chagrined. Then Suta turned her back on him, snorting in contempt.

“If I try to do what they say I should do, you tell me that I’m not trying hard enough. If I do everything I can to get things done, you say I’m being irresponsible. I just can’t win!”

Tianlong shook his horned head. “Suta, there is more to being a DIA officer than taking out Sues when other agents cannot. That is one of our responsibilities, yes, but—”

“Don’t you give me that crap _again!_ ” she spat, whirling to face him so that her teeth snapped just inches from his snout. “You just doubt me because I’m only a stupid animal! I _am_ a stupid animal, sure, but I’m _also_ the biggest, baddest, most fearsome carnivore ever to walk the face of the planet! Who cares if I’m extinct?! Those Sues will soil their pants just _looking_ at me!”

The dragon sighed yet again, his gaze now carried a nuance of disgust. “What you say is true, Suta. You are certainly ferocious to the point that most Sues will think twice before messing with you based on your looks alone, not to mention your temper. But brute force by itself isn’t going to cut it. Remember that even experienced agents can be bested by badfic if luck is wholly against them.”

He looked towards the grass and added, “Trust me, Suta. I know that fact firsthand.”

Suta cocked her head at him, trying to make sense of what he was saying. “What happened?”

He shot her a stern look. “I do not wish to talk about it. Now, shall we continue with our—?”

“Look, this last weird fake world thing you put in my head gave me a headache, and I need a break before we can do anything else. We’ve been at this all day, and you haven’t given me time to catch my breath since sunhigh! Can’t you worry about my own well-being for once in your life?”

Tianlong rolled his eyes and exhaled a cloud of smoke. “I do not appreciate that you say ‘for once in your life’ as though I have been trying to mentally or emotionally restrain you since birth. That is not true and furthermore, I _do_ care about your feelings. What you need is _discipline,_ and you can only make sense of it via cooperation with me and the rest of the PPC.”

Suta huffed and looked away. “So, that’s a no?”

“I will let you rest for a while after you apologize to me. You have been rude and demeaning despite my best attempts to help you understand the nature of our organization. Is that how you would treat your instructor? Your pack elder?”

She looked at him again, flashing a twinge of sudden shame. He was right, but also wrong. She _could_ show how strong she was, but she just didn’t know what to do.

“Okay, fine. I’m sorry. I’ve just been sour over the past few days because I’ve failed like, _so_ many times. I’m just not sure if this is the right choice for me, being here with you guys.”

His expression softened, but he remained quiet for a few long moments. Suta could almost hear Alice’s herd galloping by in the distance.

“Come with me,” he said finally, turning and slithering away slowly. “I can see that you have been feeling disillusioned for a while, and I would be willing to listen if you wish to discuss your issues.”

She wasn’t sure what to say, but followed him anyway. The two of them soon found themselves on a path meandering around the Courtyard which was wide enough for the two bus-sized reptiles to move side by side.

Suta walked and Tianlong slithered, both of them silent as they took in the scenery. After a minute or so, Tianlong spoke.

“I am sorry to see you like this.”

Suta looked at him, feeling marginally insulted. “Why?”

“You have been displaced from your territory, I see. The canon has no place for you, and even if the canons were as accepting of you as they claimed, I cannot say with confidence that their society would have allowed you to stay.”

She looked away, feeling slightly guilty for her brief indignation. “It’s because I eat people, isn’t it?”

“Other creatures of the same intellectual capacity as you, yes. That is certainly a downside to a world of talking animals.”

“Yeah. I know of Heart’s story, how that Wide-Mouth herd came to accept him. It’s just that they didn’t do the same with me.”

“And they had every reason to. You would have preyed upon them if Heart had not stopped you. And yet, you became a friend to him and his family during the brief time you enjoyed with him. Do you now see where your conflicts lay back then?”

She stopped in her tracks, letting him move just ahead of her before he stopped.

“How was I supposed to know Light would fall in love with me, in or out of universe? I’d have told him that I wasn’t good for him, and that I could very well kill him someday. I never had the childhood that his brother did. I never thought of him as family! Is that what you’d call a conflict? Huh?”

Tianlong looked at her, and then sighed another smoke puff. “You are forgetting that Heart would have regarded you with the same kindness that he did with his herd if you had no interest in harming them. That is the same reason for your being upset with us right now, if I am not mistaken. You think we do not respect you because of your origins and your personality. The truth is that we at the PPC wish only the best for you, and in no way desire to convict you just because your Suefluence back then inadvertently caused a canon to fall in love with you.”

“So you guys are like a giant pack? Or maybe a giant herd?” Suta asked, purposely ignoring the strange implications of a _Maiasaura_ falling for her.

“We are both a pack _and_ a herd, if you think about it. We cooperate for the same goals, be it defending our organization against potential attacks or taking the fight to the Suvians directly. We welcome those who are willing to work with us, but this does not exempt us from expecting a degree of decorum.”

“Were _you_ treated with that decorum?”

That caught Tianlong off guard. He gave her a look of consternation and said, “Why must you ask me this? I am a DIA officer and not without reason, and I have had enough experience keeping Headquarters safe from potential invasions that I have yet to see very much in the way of bad press.”

Suta gave him a puzzled look. “Really? That’s not what _I’ve_ heard…”

“In what sense?”

She grinned smugly. “Oh, just a rumor or two. There’s been word going around that you got into some kind of… _accident?_ ”

Tianlong gave her a stern look. “Suta, it is irrational and foolish to probe into this matter. It is strictly confidential, and neither me or my former partner want to talk about it anymore for all sorts of reasons. So if you know what is good for you, please stop talking about this.”

Suta shrugged and walked away. “I don’t care what you think, I’ll find out soon enough. Besides, word’s bound to travel, isn’t it? For all I know, it’s almost like… how do I put this… like everyone knows you’ve failed the PPC before. And you don’t want to fail again. It’s why you’re training me to follow orders like some beast of war, am I right?”

She ignored his disapproving glare, and made her way to the nearest tree. After walking a circle around it to judge its size, she began kicking and headbutting it with renewed fervor.

Tianlong watched her for several long moments. Then he cleared his throat.

“Suta, I understand that I am not the ideal choice of mentor for you. I emphasize abiding by the standards, and you feel that standards defeat the whole point. But that is not a justification for you to be so ignorant of what it means to be an officer.”

She whirled to face him, whacking the trunk of the tree with her tail and chipping off a strip of bark. “ _I’m_ ignorant?! What about your constantly pushing me to follow all these rules I don’t understand? What about your attempts to get me to think straight only being obstructive?”

Tianlong turned his horned head toward the sky, remaining silent for a long time. Then he spoke again, this time to nobody in particular.

“Rashida and I were both like you once. We did not believe in what the PPC stood for at first. We thought that by signing up as DIA officers, we could use our power to keep the organization safe, without having to risk the potential butterfly effect of venturing into existing continua like action department agents do.”

Suta scowled. “What butterfly effect? The only effects butterflies have on me are distracting me!”

As if to prove her point, a random butterfly flew past her, drawing her attention. Tianlong gave her a deadpan look the entire time it remained in view — including when it landed on her left nostril and made her sneeze, propelling it out of sight.

“Suta… My point is that I knew the risks of disrupting a continuum by expressing my abilities. According to chaos theory, a butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil could set off a chain of events ending in a tornado in Texas. The same thing could occur if someone abused their power in a continuum where it was out of place, potentially upsetting the balance.”

Suta sniffled a little, then looked at Tianlong with a curious expression. “Did that really happen?”

Tianlong looked away. “Not exactly, but… my former partner came dangerously close.”

Her eyes widened. “So there _was_ an accident?”

He looked at her for a brief moment, and then his face fell. “…Yes.”

Suta visibly cringed, and remained silent for a few moments. “…Did you get hurt?”

Tianlong’s gaze suggested more than just hurt. In fact, for some reason, it looked more like agony.

“I was not the only one who got hurt. Rashida got hurt, and the agent we were helping also got hurt. But it was much, _much_ worse than that…”

Suta tilted her head, trying to make sense of it. And then a horrible thought occurred to her.

“…Did someone _die_?”

Tianlong gave her an anguished stare, and then nodded silently.

Suta actually had to lie down; her reptilian brain couldn’t take this in all at once. She had seen death a hundred times, and she had certainly ripped open the bodies of many dinosaurs when she had hunted with Gonza’s pack. But to hear that her mentor had actually failed to save an agent’s life was downright unthinkable.

It was a long, horrible silence before she finally asked, “So, what does this have to do with butterflies?”

He gave her a frustrated look. “When Rashida and I joined the DIA, we believed we could avoid the potential calamities our power could instigate, simply by remaining out of the field of battle. But we had made a critical error: our refusal to venture out of our comfort zones prevented us from practicing restraint and discretion. We had flagrantly shut out all of the potential liabilities of our position, even knowing that they would only grow unless they are dealt with immediately.” He coiled up on the grass, sighing a puff of smoke.

Suta stared at him for a long moment, and then pushed the front half of her body off the ground with her small but strong arms, her face hot with sudden anger. “And there’s your problem in an eggshell! You think you’re trying to fix your problems by focusing so much on what’s going to happen, but you’re forgetting what led to you getting into trouble in the first place! You’re making the _exact same mistake_ as before, aren’t you?!”

Tianlong reared up like a cobra, glaring at her. “What is the meaning of this? I am dedicating my efforts to teaching you for _your_ sake, not mine. You need to know how things are done around here as soon as possible, or—”

“Or what?! Obeying rules will only net me back pats and empty compliments from the cave monkeys and weeds who run this whole dump! No, I am not taking that back. For what’s supposed to be an organization dedicated to protecting the worlds around us, this PPC place is so obstructive and insensitive towards its own residents that it’s no wonder stuff like you went through happens!”

“Suta, if you do not shut your mouth _right now_ , I will—”

“Will what? Gum me like some daffy old skink who's been spending all this time telling me to do this and not that?! Telling me the precise way to _breathe_ in this stuffy cavern in a way too complex for me to understand?! I’m sorry, but when I look at you, I’m not seeing someone I can respect as a trainer, I’m seeing a bitter, disillusioned, elitist wreck of a reptile who thinks he can make his personal issues go away by pretending they don’t exist. So until you start owning up to everything you did wrong and treating me and everyone else as _people_ rather than as a means to an end, I will stand by my statement that you are the _worst_ teacher I have ever met!”

Tianlong reared back his head, appalled. Then he struck, his tail catching her in the stomach and slamming her into the tree. The impact caused the trunk to crack, and a few branches snapped off and rained down around them. Nearby, the pack of mini-Capitoline Wolves that had taken up residence here a while ago gathered to watch, alerted by the sudden noise.

“ _Fine,_ ” he said, his voice calm but deadly. “You want a ‘proper’ lesson, do you? It appears it is time for your midterm examination.”

Tianlong’s roar was like the tolling of a brazen bell; Suta sprang to her feet and roared as well, accepting the challenge. The two of them proceeded to hurl themselves at each other, teeth and claws bared.

Suta attempted to bite, but Tianlong side-stepped and coiled around her neck and torso, toppling her to the ground with a mighty crash. The two of them writhed on the grass, jaws snapping, tails and limbs lashing, as though some primordial many-headed serpent had suddenly appeared in the courtyard. Their struggle tore up the lawn, sending a blizzard of grass stalks into the air. In the distance, Alice and her herd looked up from their grazing, snorting nervously.

Losing breath but seething with determination, Suta rolled sideways and proceeded to press Tianlong’s neck into the dirt. With a strangled gasp, his coils loosened just enough for her to slip out of his grip. She disengaged, lunging at his long body and grabbing on. The instant he felt her teeth sink into his scales, his tail was already moving — and it was as powerful as it was flexible. The brush-like tip was already gathering a silvery fluid, as though it had been dipped in metallic paint. Suta realized just a little too late that it was hardening into a deadly spike, its tip diving straight at her neck.

She whipped her head around, hurling him across the lawn. Thrown off guard, his tail managed to cut a shallow gash in her shoulder. His head, on the other hand, crashed into the grass, carving a shallow ditch some twenty feet in length. In an instant, he had coiled up like a rattler and glared at her, tail poised, whiskers trembling.

The two reptiles began moving in a wide circle, growling at each other and baring their teeth. Suta scratched at the ground with her massive clawed foot, preparing to make another lunge, but Tianlong was positioning himself so he was facing her, a strange glow beginning to emanate from his eyes and throat. What was he planning?

Suta roared and charged, but Tianlong was ready for her. Instead of striking at her, he leaped straight up into the air like a coiled spring. With a great _whoosh_ , he spread a pair of leathery wings — great membranous sails that ran down the length of his back and tail, like the ones sported by the Gold Dragon from the third edition _Dungeons and Dragons_ RPG. Caught in the downdraft, Suta struggled to maintain her balance as she watched him spiral into the sky.

He circled once, whipping his tail around; the paint on the tip was now fiery red-orange, and it was painting some kind of glyph in the sky she couldn’t understand.

Had she known what it was, she would have been wise to turn tail. A human versed in Chinese calligraphy would have registered it as 火, the symbol for fire.

Tianlong inhaled deeply, and then blew through the glyph. A great pillar of searing flames poured from the heavens towards his opponent.

Suta retreated a second too late — the agonizing sensation on tip of her own tail alerted her to the fact that not all of her had escaped the blast. She whirled to face him and roared again, swishing her tail like an angry cat in a bid to snuff the flames.

Tianlong chuckled, the fire glyph dissipating as his tail oozed green paint now. Within moments, the symbol 风 (air) appeared in the sky, and then Tianlong dived through it, the paint becoming a swirling tornado that ran down his whole body.

Suta dodged his lunge, but the wind tunnel sent her toppling back, though it at least extinguished the flames on her tail. She cartwheeled head-over-heels and slid to a halt, scattering the wolf pack and tearing up the grass. She got up, her legs shaking and her breath labored with exhaustion, and assessed her situation with growing dismay.

Tianlong apparently had a kind of strange power over the elements, and as long as he kept putting it to use, there was no way she could get past him. She had to figure out how he was able to pull off those stunts, and then shut it down while she still could.

She turned to Tianlong, who was circling around to face her again. His tail whipped about, painting another symbol in the air in front of him: 水 (water). He lashed his tail like a bullwhip, sending a wall of water towards her.

The realization of where she’d seen him doing that before dawned upon her a second before the tidal wave struck, sending her flat on her back once more. Those weird tricks happened after he doodled in the air with his tail — he’d done the same thing before she’d had that weird vision he had been using to train her, just with a different color of paint. What if she…?

The plan formed in her head just as she noticed the massive boulder rolling at her. Unable to get up in time, she ended up taking it head-on, and it carried her with it for a short distance before she found herself on top of it, struggling to keep her balance. She had only a moment to notice the 土 (earth) glyph Tianlong had drawn before she rolled away.

Attempting to steer her temporary ride, she looked around to see a small but rather steep-looking cliff ahead of her. The boulder stopped just at the edge of the drop, which looked a hundred feet deep and oversaw a barren area that looked like some kind of training ground. The rock teetered for a moment and then stood still, its rider sighing in relief.

And then she saw Tianlong streaking towards her, teeth bared.

Thinking fast, she whirled and pedaled her feet, sending the boulder off the cliff. It fell, taking her with it, causing Tianlong to stop in mid-air, his face contorted in a sudden panic moments before the mighty _crash_ of the boulder hitting the ground reached him.

Tianlong flew over the chasm, circling around and trying to figure out where Suta had gone. He failed to notice that she was clinging to the side of the cliff with her claws until she launched herself off of it with startling agility, biting down at the base of the tail brush.

Her great weight dragged him down, and as soon as she landed, she swung her head upward. Tianlong struggled to break free, unable to cast a spell with his tail pinned, but it was too late. Suta swung her head downward, and her captive’s whole body snapped like a towel before slamming into the dirt.

Suta noticed the boulder nearby, and racing over to it, she rolled it over and onto the fibrous tip of Tianlong’s tail brush. Then, as he struggled to free his tail, she charged at his anterior half, pinning his neck and chest with her feet. He could only look up in horror as her jaws opened wide enough to engulf his head almost completely.

The roar made his ears ring. And then, to his surprise, it was followed by a burst of laughter.

“I win.”

His eyes widened. And then he started laughing too. “Indeed, Suta, you have. Now, can you please liberate my tail? I will not attempt to cast any more spells against you, I promise.”

Once Suta had rolled the boulder off of him, she left it at the end of the field, hopefully so the next agents who used it for sparring practice could play a round or two of that game they called King of the Hill. Then she turned to her mentor, looking sullen.

“I’m so sorry for what I said earlier, Sna— uh, Tianlong. I know I was angry and frustrated, but that doesn’t change the fact that it was insulting, insensitive, and just plain mean. I guess I really _do_ have a brain the size of a walnut…”

He patted her head with his tail, which was now completely free of paint. “The fault was mostly mine. I do not condone much of what you said, to be sure, but you _did_ make a valid point when you said that I was only training you to save face myself. I wanted someone whom I could rely upon to ensure no more troublesome situations for myself and for those I care about. A perfect officer. But I also understand now that you will never be the best DIA agent there is — no one can.”

“Why, because I don’t respect how you do things?” Suta chuckled. “I never said I did. I just want to get the hang of them with being talked down to by a total snob. But yeah, well, I’m sorry, again.”

“As am I, Suta. I will do my best to treat you with the respect you need from now on.”

Then he smiled at her. “Besides, not many of my fellow officers have been able to beat me in a straight fight. Most of the ones who did had powerful magic of their own by their side — but you had only your strength and your wits. The latter being the more important.”

Her eyes widened. “So, does that mean I’m smart?”

It was his turn to chuckle now. “Your brain is still as reptilian as ever — and before you attack me for that sentiment, so is mine. We both have flaws, my pride versus your stubbornness. But I hope we can work around them, so that when disaster strikes, as it wont to do, we will not need to see a repeat of what happened with Rashida and myself.”

Suta gave him a sympathetic expression. “I’m sorry about what happened with you two. It must’ve been hard, having a falling out with her the way you did — especially because you were too late to save somebody’s life.”

He shook his head. “It is in the past. However, I will not ignore it now, and I will try to learn from it so I can provide a better example for you — and not fail a second time, hopefully. You are powerful, Suta, and you have the makings of a fantastic officer. You just need a few steps in the proper direction, starting of course with a basic understanding of the conduct of the DIA.”

“Well, duh!” She smirked. “What did you think I was going to learn, how to eat dragons or something?”

“Your guess was fairly close. You have discovered a critical skill: to analyze the strengths and weaknesses of your enemies. That, I believe, would be more than a little useful at the right time. At least you know now how to eat _me_ if you wanted to, not that I would recommend it.”

Suta was about to respond when her stomach growled. “Speaking of eating, I’m starving! Let’s say we break for dinner, shall we?”

“Agreed. Perhaps a stop by the Cafeteria would be quite becoming — though I would stay away from the soup of the day, in case it has anything radioactive like it did yesterday.”

Her stomach growled again, and she laughed. “Honestly, I think a good ol’ shank of long-neck will do quite nicely!”


	4. Red Meets Blue

_Disclaimer:_ _The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. All canons and continua mentioned belong to their respective owners._ _Solvig Sterling and Corinna Chan are owned by Edhelistar, and_ _Lapis Lazuli belongs to SkarmorySilver._

 

* * *

 

 

_March 2015…_

A redheaded girl in an orange supersuit with a green K symbol on her chest, and a red skirt and cape, entered the Nursery’s sleeping quarters. She fiddled with her ponytail for a moment and then said to herself, “So, this is where I would be living for now? Looks good… I guess…”

She wandered around looking for her assigned bed, slightly uncomfortable under the weird looks the other teenagers gave her. Well, now it was more like an assigned room, since the increasing number of people taking up residence here meant that they’d had to open up a lot of new lodgings to accommodate them all.

Then a girl in a corner got her attention. Dressed entirely in blue, with a bare midriff and fin-like straps of cloth hanging from her waist. And then there was her hair. Dear Rao, her HAIR! It was a vivid cerulean shade, midway between royal blue and ocean blue, with streaks of a lighter shade like sea foam being churned up by something lurking in the depths. It was stylised in two pigtails at the front, and a waterfall-like ponytail hanging from the back of her head. All in all, a rather verbosely-described set of locks that clearly betrayed someone who’d escaped a badfic some time ago.

Despite that, and having seen weirder, the redhead got near her and with her best smile said, “Hiya! My name is Kryptogirl! Nice to meet ya!”

The blue-haired girl looked at her for a moment, and then returned to sulking in the corner.

 _Huh, how rude,_ she thought and then shrugged.  _Oh well, her loss_. And with that, she went her merry way.

Suddenly, the little girl straightened up a little, staring after her. “Kryptogirl?”

In that moment, her grief was overtaken by curiosity. She stood up, looking around. After a moment’s searching, she saw the distinctive reddish-brown hair and followed it like a moth drawn to a light.

She found the spandex-clad girl a few minutes later. Said girl was now nosing around the area where the younger children were, looking at the show of a really well built female clown.

Then she felt someone tap her on the shoulder. She turned to see the blue-haired girl staring at her through large, anime-styled blue eyes.

“You’re one of them, are you?”

“Huh? One, so,  _now_ you want to talk? And two, what.”

“I’ve heard about people like you. You either replace characters or claim to be part of the same race as they are, relatives of them even. I never thought one of  _them_ would end up here of all places.”

The redhead stared at her, even more confused than before.

The bluenette (yes, really) rubbed her forehead. “I’m one of them too, silly. Well, an ex-Sue. It didn’t really occur to me that you’d be one until I thought about your name…”

The girl frowned. “Oh nice, that’s a new way I haven’t heard before of being called that name. Seriously, what’s wrong with the people in this place?” A oozing substance then fell on her head. “ _Eww_ … What’s this thing?”

“Here. Lemme get that.” The blunette reached out and wiped the substance from the redhead’s hair. “It’s called Sar-Plasm. Huh, I didn’t think you’d be the mouthy type…”

“Well the girl I was cloned from was very mouthy… I guess I got it from her…” She followed that with a shrug.

The blue-haired girl frowned. “You were cloned. You were  _cloned._ That explains  _soooooo_ much.” She turned away, rubbing her forehead with both hands and then letting out a cry of disgust. She’d accidentally smeared Sar-Plasm on her face.

The redhead couldn’t help but to laugh at that, her laughter combined with the other girl’s cry, attracted the attention of the area’s personnel, who proceeded to escort them out of the area.

A few moments later, they found themselves in their designated sleeping chambers. The bluenette walked over to one of the beds, and the redhead noticed the name plaque on it: “Lapis Lazuli”.

“Huh, that’s a rather… uh… dull name,” the redhead said.

Lapis looked at the redhead, raising an eyebrow. “Like it or not, it’s the name I’ve always had. My author gave it to me a long time ago. What about you?”

“I… uh… sorry.” She sighed. “Well at least you  _have_ a name…”

Lapis blinked at her. “You don’t even have a name? Wow. You really must be new around here.”

“I never needed one. I didn’t have a secret identity like other heroes. The closest I have to a name is my  _name-de-guerre_ ’Kryptogirl’ and the designation I had at the lab, ’Project-K’…”

“Project-K?” Lapis asked. “So, some kind of top-secret attempt at weaponizing superheroes or something?”

“Dunno, the heroes of my world destroyed the lab, and never told me anything about my creation, it was painful meeting Kara later — both figurative and literally — and realizing I was a clone of her…”

Lapis looked down at her feet. “You know what… I can relate.”

The Kryptonian chuckled humorlessly. “I doubt it. I don’t think you would know how it feels to be punched into  _orbit_ after being called a ‘cheap knock off’.”

“Not the punching into orbit thing, no, but I too am a refugee from a world that shouldn’t have been. It was hard for me too, learning about what I was, and what I am now. But I know you can handle it. Just do what I do, and stay strong.”

“You’re assuming a lot, don’t ya? How can you say my world shouldn’t have existed? In fact, right now the people who brought me here are looking for it, so I can go back home.”

Lapis looked at her skeptically. “I don’t know if there  _is_ a home for either of us. I think there’s one thing we have in common. We’re both fan-made characters, and whether or not we can assimilate into our respective continua is questionable. I don’t think I can ever go back to the world I lived in, or even its canon equivalent. The world of my homefic is gone, anyway, so… s-so…”

She bit back a slight sob, but composed herself before the redhead could notice.

Suddenly a voice with a thick Swedish accent was heard. “Katya…?”

The redhead muttered in a growly voice, “I  _hate_ that name…” Then she turned to the blonde woman standing on the entrance. “Yes?”

“Nurse Chan?” Lapis looked at the blonde as well, an expression of surprise on her face.

“Oh hello, Lapis! I can see you are finally bonding with someone,” the Nurse said with a smile, then turned to the redhead. “Katya, may I speak with you in private?”

“Sure,” the girl said, then both left the room, leaving Lapis alone for a moment.

The bluenette stared after them for a moment, and then returned to her sulking. Then a terrified and loud ’No’ was heard, followed by more of them in a succession, and very loud crying.

When the redhead returned, with Nurse Chan in tow, she just passed Lapis, walking almost aimlessly, with her stare lost in space, ignoring everything around her. She found her bed rather quickly, took the temporary cardboard ID and tore into pieces, finishing with slumping on the bed and curling into fetal position, still sobbing.

Lapis was playing a lyre she’d pulled from her bedside drawer. The gentle melody was accompanied by her humming a soft, calming tune(1).

Nurse Chan approached Lapis. “You have talent. Have you considered going fully into it?”

Lapis paused. “I don’t know, honestly. I won’t be staying for long. I’ve been working towards a position as a PPC agent over the past year. The Flowers should be responding any day now.” She then looked at the nurse and asked, “What in Arceus’ name did you tell her?”

The Nurse kissed her necklace jewel upon the mention of the Name, then sighed. “Just that everyone and everything she loved and knew is now dead, after the implosion of her universe, ten years ago.” Holding her necklace, she added, “Dear Arceus, why does Robinson always make me do this?”

Lapis felt her lyre slip out of her hands and clatter to the floor. “Oh… Oh, no…” She looked at the redhead, who was now snoring quietly. “I don’t know what to say. I’m… I…”

Before she could respond, however, another voice came from the doorway. “Miss Lazuli? Come with me, please. The Marquis de Sod would like to see you.”

Nurse Chan watched her leave, and then turned to see the redhead. With a sigh she said, “ _Detta är kommer inte att avslutar väl_ (2).”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) [Pokémon The Movie 2000: "Lugia's Song"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZqpXrDuLqE0)  
> 2) Swedish for "This is not going to end well."


	5. Highway To The Danger Room

_Disclaimer:_ _The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. All canons and continua mentioned belong to their respective owners._ _Solvig Sterling and Shui-Hua Liu are owned by Edhelistar, and_ _Lapis Lazuli, Sarah Squall, and Cupid Carmine belong to SkarmorySilver._

 

* * *

 

_Mid August 2015…_

Several months had passed since that fateful meeting at the Nursery. Among the events that had transpired during that time, Lapis and her partners had taken on a Suvian army, blown up a giant Sonic replacement, dealt with a God-Mode Stu at the cost of Lapis’ hand, and taken down three different crossovers in one late summer day. That last event had involved a certain Kryptonian, two different krakens, a cranky Mantis-Ant, and something else which Sarah had decidedly kept top secret from just about everyone.

One weekend, Sarah decided on a whim to visit what Solvig had referred to as the Danger Room, and invited Lapis to tag along in case the Super decided to do something stupid. With only a brief argument about who was going to screw up first, the two of them made their way to the DoSAT, where the Danger Room was supposedly located.

“I know you want to visit that place,” said Lapis, “but do I really have to come along?”

“Hey, I wanted to take you to see it, too,” said Sarah. “I know you aren’t a Super, but I’m sure it’ll be fun for you all the same. There’s no way you’re going to cause any trouble, right?”

Lapis gave her an annoyed look. “I don’t find trouble, Sarah. More often, it finds me.”

“Suit yourself. Ah, here we are.”

The Danger Room consisted of a single door, and outside there were several tables with spare parts and some kind of terminal. There was also an Asian blonde technician, who was preparing some kind of tea. Then suddenly the technician, using some form of telekinesis, nonchalantly moved the tea in the pot to a cup. When she turned around to try to enjoy her tea, she noticed the visitors.

“Uh…” She looked at them awkwardly, with very wide open eyes. “Uhm… well… forget whatever you saw! Okay?” She made a tired sigh and added, “And anyway, what do you two want?”

“Hi. We, well… We heard about this place from a friend,” said Sarah. “Is this the Danger Room?”

“Well yes, this is the place, but it’s currently out of service.” The Asian girl took a sip of her tea, with a rather smug expression.

Sarah’s face fell. “Aww. I was hoping to give it a whirl. And you must be?”

“Technician Shui-Hua Liu, the one in charge of the Danger Room Project,” the girl answered with an even more smug expression.

“Oh, it’s an honor! I’m Sarah Squall, and this is my partner, Lapis Lazuli. Say, do you know anyone named Solvig? She told me about this room, so—”

“That twit is the one responsible for the current state of the Danger Room,” the Technician said, fiddling with her long braid. “She overloaded the shield generators causing them to short circuit and damaged multiple of the Mandalorian Iron covering panels.” She sighed petulantly. “Darn Kryptonian…”

Sarah looked at the door. “That bad, huh?”

Lapis was less concerned about the state of the room than she was about what she’d seen Shui-Hua do with her tea. “Were you waterbending just now? I thought I saw—”

Shui-Hua pouted, and glared at the bluenette. “I told you to forget it! Urgh… but yes, I did waterbend my tea…”

Lapis’ eyes widened. “You can  _waterbend?_ That’s… That’s amazing! You don’t have to be upset about it, really!”

“Oh right! Also why can’t I just sit in a hallway with a big sign saying ‘I’m a bender’ for Equalist agents to find me, right?”

Sarah nudged Lapis, silently asking for her to shut it. “We aren’t Equalist agents, whatever those are. Anyway, can I leave you two to talk? I need to go find Seung-Li. I hope they’re adjusting well to life as a tech…”

“I sent xir for supplies, you might not find xir for some time…”

“I can help them out, then. Will that work?”

“You might,” the Asian girl replied smugly. “Also if you can, may I ask you to take your companion with you? She unnerves me.”

“She’s like, twelve,” said Sarah. “I’d like to take her with me, but she probably wouldn’t be allowed within a mile of anything the techies are working on. She’ll have to wait here until I get back, I’m afraid.”

Suddenly, an explosion was heard inside the Danger Room and a streak of smoke escaped between the doors. “Excuse me, were you saying?” A blob of Sar-Plasm fell at Sarah’s feet.

Lapis yelped and huddled next to Sarah.

“At least that was behind a blast door,” said the Super. “Lapis, I’m sorry, but you’ll have to stay here. Just keep away from the door and you should be fine.”

“O-okay then…”

Shui-Hua rolled her eyes. “Whatever. I’ll not be babysitting her, I have work to do.” Then she turned to the terminal to work on it.

Sarah turned and left, leaving Lapis to sit in the corner and watch the technician do her job.

The next few seconds passed in silence, and then Lapis spoke up. “Which nation are you from?”

“United Republic of Nations,” the technician said, as she pressed some buttons and opened the blast door. After she did that, a sudden gust of wind expelled the smoke from inside the Danger Room, prompting the blonde to say. “No. Freaking. Way.”

“Huh? What?”

Then behind the smoke, a girl with neck-length auburn hair, and a rather unnatural shade of blue in her eyes, came out walking. Then she turned to the technician. “Hi Shui-Hua, how’re ya!?”

“Solvig Ekaterina Sterling, what the heck were you doing there!?”

“Repairing the shields,” the redhead answered, in a tone of voice that indicated that it was supposed to be obvious.

“You? Repairing the shield—”

At that point Solvig sped inside the Danger Room and came out with an futuristic device as big as she was. “Yup. As a matter of fact I repaired all of but one, the one near the door,” she said showing Shui-Hua the device on her hands. “This one had the flux capacitor damaged, I won’t say it wasn’t my fault ‘cuz totally it was, and when I tried to remove it, it exploded in my face.” She then put the device on a table. “I think you’ll need to replace it.”

“You don’t say…” said the technician. “But—”

“How I did it? Simple, when you went to the restroom, I sped back here, read the user manual, examined the entire chamber with X-ray Vision and started repairing.”

“Wha—? I only went out like a few minutes, and that book has over a thousand pages, and I took a six-month course to—”

Solvig rose an eyebrow with a cocky smile.

“Show-off…”

Lapis was staring at Solvig the entire time. A moment later, she cried, “ _Kryptogirl?!_ ”

“Huh… I haven’t heard that name in a looong time,” Solvig said, turning to the blunette. “And who’re ya? Wait. Now that I think ‘bout it you look fam—” The redhead interrupted herself and turned to her left. “Oh derp! Gotta go! See ya!” And with that she disappeared in a burst of super-speed, making a mess of Shui-Hua’s papers.

Shui-Hua ignored the mess and turned her attention to the burned out piece of tech. “What do you know, the Kryptonian was right for a change,” she said to herself. “This flux capacitor is beyond recovery.”

“What  _was_ that all about, anyway?” It was Lapis who spoke up this time.

“Don’t know, don’t care,” was the reply from the technician, who  kept muttering to herself afterwards.

Lapis paused, as if in thought. Then she sat up a little straighter. “You said you were from the United Republic of Nations. I don’t remember hearing about that in the  _Avatar_ series…”

Shui-Hua stopped in her tracks and slowly turned to see her. “What? You don’t know about the exploits of Avatar Aang after the War, then.” And without another word, she returned to working.

“What kind of exploits?”

The technician gave her an exasperated look. “I don’t know… Like convincing the Earth King to make a treaty with Fire Lord Zuko to give independence to the Fire Nation Colonies, which coalesced into the United Republic of Nations with the capital in Republic City? Is that enough of an exploit for you?”

Lapis had a twinkle in her eye. “I had no idea there was a follow-up to the war against the Fire Nation… Wow, so what’s the United Republic of Nations like? Did Aang really achieve world peace? And while I’m at it… Is Republic City where you’re from?”

“Every war has consequences,” Shui-Hua said without taking her sight from her work. “Like the Equalist Uprising, The Water Tribe Civil War and… and…” Shui-Hua’s voice trailed off, and she kept working without saying anything else.

Lapis stared at the technician, her mouth hanging open. Then a few seconds later, the inevitable escaped her mouth.

“And  _what?_ ”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“No, I  _need_ to know. Was there a third war? Did you fight in it?” She paused, her eyes wider than ever. “Did you  _lose loved ones to it?_ ”

Shui-Hua sighed. “Fine! After some psycho assassinated Queen Hou-Ting, some  _other_ psycho decided to seize power and invade the United Republic of Nations to ‘recover the lost territory of the Earth Kingdom’, or some Sky Bison dung like that. And that’s all I’m saying about it.”

“ _That’s all?_ ” Lapis stood up. “You didn’t tell me how  _you_ were involved! I know you probably weren’t there to participate in the main events of what happened, but—”

“Get out of here.”

“ _What?!_ ”

“I said:  _GET. OUT!_ ” The technician shouted while pointing at the exit.

Lapis stared at Shui-Hua, her expression horrified, and then tears welled up in her huge blue eyes. Exactly three seconds later, she collapsed to her knees and started bawling.

“Hey, I’m baaack! I hope this is enough for—”

Sarah had chosen the wrong time to show up, a bunch of little devices in her hands. As soon as she saw what had happened, she looked first at Lapis, and then at Shui-Hua. ”What… What have you  _done?!_ ”

“Nothing,” The technician said without turning. “Take her out of here and never bring her back.  _Ever_.” After a slight pause she added, “And those are the wrong parts.”

Sarah took one look at the scene before her, and then dumped all the parts on Shui-Hua’s table. Then she grabbed Lapis by the collar and stormed out of the room, towing her partner behind her.

After the Super had left, Shui-Hua dropped her tools, turned to all sides and entered the Danger Room, closing the blast doors behind her. Once she had done this, she let out a loud scream; at the same time, ice spikes rose all around her. This went for some seconds, until she ran out of energy, she fell to her knees sobbing; while the horrors she saw as a powerless bystander, replayed in her mind, just like she was reliving the day of the Battle for Republic City…

Halfway across HQ, a certain angel in a pink toga was minding his own business in his RC when the door burst open, and Sarah marched into the room with Lapis in tow. The dark-haired girl slammed the door behind Lapis so hard, the hinges rattled.

“Lapis. Lazuli. Why. The.  _Fuck_. Can’t I leave you alone. For  _two. Goddamn. MINUTES?!_ ”

“What happened?” asked Cupid. “Did you do something stupid?”

Sarah glared at him. “Yes. And believe me, letting Lapis run around without adult supervision is  _not_ a mistake you’ll want to make twice.”

Suddenly, the console made a small “Bip!”, almost like it was afraid.

Sarah took one look at the console, and then pushed Lapis towards it. The poor blue-haired girl was shaking so hard, it took her a full ten seconds to push the button to acknowledge the message.

_“Hi! Hello, hello! It’s Solvig from RC #2814! Can you pass me to Sarah?”_

Lapis let out a “meep” of terror, her face white as a Seel’s fur, and then stepped aside for Sarah to answer.

“Hi, Solvig. I… I am  _so_ sorry.”

_“For what? Did it have something to do with the scream I heard coming from DoSAT?”_

“Yeah. Lapis got into a fight with Shui-Hua. I guess we won’t be using the Danger Room after all — or ever again, for that matter.”

_“Ooh! Really? How one-sided was it? Wait... what am I babbling about…”_

Sarah glared at Lapis once more. “ _Very._ ”

_“I thought so… The last time I mentioned the Battle for Republic City she tried to skewer me with a tea icicle… and I didn’t have my powers active!”_

Sarah laughed humorlessly. “So  _that’s_ what it was about, huh? All the same, that’s the  _last_ time I’m letting Lapis within a mile of DoSAT. For all sorts of reasons.”

Lapis covered her face with both hands and began to cry again. Cupid, not knowing what else to do, wrapped a wing around her in an attempt to comfort the poor girl.

“ _Yeah. She doesn’t like the event to come up… She saw lotsa people die… it was no fun, to say the least.”_  A sigh was heard on the other side of the line.  _“It’s like someone made fun of the destruction of my universe…”_

“Or the fact that I got my butt shredded by a jet turbine.” Sarah knew Solvig wouldn’t be able to see her expression, but she had a look as though she was hinting towards an earlier event.

“But it’s not the same,” said Cupid. “That was just you. This sounds more like what Hades was trying to do. Even  _I_ know better than to talk lightly about that.”

Then everyone noticed Solvig’s laughter on the other side of the line.

“What’s going on?” asked Sarah. “Honestly, I don’t think it’s helping anybody!”

 _“Oh sorry,”_ Solvig said between bouts of laughter.  _“Is just I remembered something that happened a while ago…”_

“Oh? What about it?”

_“Oh is just that Yuuna tried the same thing that she did with you… with Shui-Hua. Let’s just say that the next few minutes she spent in Medical getting ice needles removed were no fun at all.”_

Sarah couldn’t help but chuckle. “Why am I not surprised?”

_“Uh… you should be. That’s what happens when Shui-Hua gets restrained.”_

“I was talking about Yuuna.” Then she gulped. “Do I want to know what happens when Shui-Hua  _doesn’t_ hold back?”

_“You get skewered by an icicle and die. I didn’t die thanks to regeneration… and because she technically missed.”_

Sarah cringed. “Sounds like she was a lot of fun in class.” Then there was the  _splat_ of a blob of Sar-Plasm hitting the floor at her feet.

_“Yeah, is almost as fun as looking at the hair of— Heeey… waitaminute, now I remember who was the girl with Shui-Hua!”_

Lapis “eep”-ed again and retreated into the nearest corner.

 _“Solvig, what are you doing with the console?”_ The sound of Yuuna’s voice came from the console.

_“Derp! Gotta go! *click*”_

Sarah stared at the console for ten seconds, and then slowly turned to Lapis, her face screwed up in a towering rage.

“I was only trying to help…” the younger girl mumbled.

“If you’re really that interested in helping people, you’ve gotta work on your  _goddamn sensitivity!_ ” cried Sarah. “And needless to say, you are GROUNDED.”

“But you’re not my—”

“ _GROUN. DED._ ”


	6. Nobody's Perfect

_Disclaimer:_   _The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. All canons and continua mentioned belong to their respective owners._ _Solvig Sterling and Corinna Chan are owned by Edhelistar, and Rayner Blitzkrieg and_   _Lapis Lazuli belongs to SkarmorySilver._

 

* * *

 

 

_August 31st, 2015, en route to FicPsych…_

_“Hellooo Agent Blitzkrieg!”_ Nurse Chan said on the phone, with a fake sweet tone of voice.  _“Where was my patient? She never came yesterday.”_

Rayner, who leading a very sullen Lapis out of the Nursery right now, was talking to the nurse over his communicator. “Yeah, well… There was a bit of a…  _setback._ ”

“Setback _? Right… Agent Blitzkrieg, I’m still holding you responsible for that._ ”

“Oh, the fact that everybody  _switched brains?_ ” said Lapis.

“Lapis panicked and ran off, all right?” he said. “And besides, given that the Nursery kids got switched around, too, shouldn’t you be dealing with this matter, too?”

“ _I’ll deal when the aftermath comes, as always. I am not a Nursery employee, I am a_ Fictional Psychology Nurse _._ ”

“Yeah, but — the  _body swap —_ ” Lapis began, but Rayner cut her off.

“Look, we all didn’t see this coming. But that doesn’t mean we don’t have other important matters to deal with as well.”

_“Excuse me?”_

“Look, Lapis panicked and ran off, okay?” said Rayner. “She has a habit of doing that, and I’m bringing her over to you to  _stop_ that habit.”

“ _As you wish…_ ” the Nurse said. “ _Five minutes. In my office_.” Then she finished the call.

Rayner shut the phone as well and sighed. “Lapis, I know things haven’t been going well, but just because you’re an agent doesn’t mean you shouldn’t learn to be responsible. You’re still like what, twelve?”

“Thirteen now,” said Lapis. “And I  _am_ responsible. I’ve learned a lot since I joined—”

“At what cost, though?” said Rayner, pointing at her prosthetic. “I wasn’t there to see it, but I’m beginning to sense that the Flowers weren’t thinking straight when they gave you that fic. Maybe Aiko was right—”

“Don’t you  _dare_ bring her into this!” Lapis snapped. “Let’s just get to FicPsych and get this over with.”

Rayner said nothing the rest of the way. Sure enough, the two of them found themselves in front of the office door, and the male agent promptly knocked.

“Come in!” Nurse Chan’s voice could be heard from inside.

The door opened, and the two agents stepped inside.

“You rang?” muttered Rayner.

“Hey, Nurse Chan,” said Lapis. “And, uh, sorry for running off…”

“Thank you Rayner, I will have some words with you later. For now, leave us,” the Nurse said without lifting her sight from a file she was reading

“Good luck,” Rayner said to Lapis. She gulped and nodded nervously, but before she could reply, he’d left the room.

Lapis returned her gaze to Nurse Chan. “Um… So… Were we going to talk about… uh…?”

“Lapis Lazuli…” the Nurse said, slowly lifting her gaze from the file and removing her glasses. “I was reading your file, again. Apparently there have been some updates from the DIC and the DIA…”

Lapis gulped again. “This was about what happened with Backslash, isn’t it?”

“Backlash, Evangeline von Lillith and Aiko Kimura.” Nurse Chan said deadpan. “The file is short in the details, I was hoping you could tell me more…” She finished by giving Lapis a piercing glare. “Don’t look so surprised, I have the help of a telepath for things not in the file.”

That did it. Lapis snapped her teeth and ground her fists against her forehead. “ _Backslash?!_ Do you have  _any_ idea — Okay, okay. Stupid question. But as  _soon_ as Backslash got a good look at me, you know what he said?! He didn’t want me being on a mission with  _both_ of my partners, because I’d lost  _this!_ ” She took off her prosthetic and waved her arm stump at the nurse. “Since when has anyone ever thought that I’m not fit to be an agent because I lost an arm? It wasn’t the fault of me or anyone else that we were up against a God-Mode Stu who could tear apart entire multiverses if he wanted to, we had to stop him at any cost! I was willing to give up my  _life_ for that! How could Backslash not see that—”

“Because  _no one_ told him?”

“It doesn’t matter. Even if he didn’t know what I went through, that doesn’t mean he should’ve accused me of being a disgrace based on one happenstance incident! Do I look incompetent to you?!”

“Do you really want me to answer that question?”

“Yes! Um, no. I just… Look, this isn’t about me, it’s about someone else being an asshole just because they looked at me and thought—”

“That is where you are wrong Lapis. It is  _always_ about you.”

Lapis stared at her. “Why? Is it because I  _am_ incompetent, for a completely different reason? Because I know for a fact that  _this_ isn’t it!” She waved her arm stump at her again.

“My point exactly…” Nurse Chan said, raising an eyebrow. “You keep always speaking about yourself, without thinking about others or taking them into account, not even your partners.”

Lapis gaped at her. “I —  _what?!_ ”

“Tell me... When was the last time you actually thought about someone else? How that person feels? When was the last time you held a conversation without making it about  _you_?”

Lapis opened her mouth and then closed it again. “I… I don’t remember doing that on missions, actually… Though the issue of my plot holes was a pretty big deal before I lost this thing,” she added, looking at her arm stump once more.

“And if you don’t want  _that_ to be ‘a big deal’,” the nurse said, pointing at the stump, “do not  _make it_ yourself.”

Lapis sighed. “I guess that leads me to my next point. E.V.L…. Well… When I explained how I became an agent to her, she asked if she and I could leave the PPC together.”

“And… you believed her?”

“Whether or not she was being honest, I refused. It went against what Nicholas would’ve wanted, so…”

“Look, Evangeline von Lilith has had plenty of opportunities to escape, yet she has yet to actually  _do it_. And in regards to what Nicholas would have wanted… Who are  _you_ to claim to know what he had in his mind?””

Lapis sighed. “Nicholas was the only friend I had until I became an agent…”

“And one of the few parental figures you had. And what a parent wants the most to his or her child to be happy whatever their decisions are.”

“But children are supposed to live up to the legacy of their parents. Nick was absolutely dedicated to his role. And he would’ve wanted me to be like that, too.”

“Do they? And what I’m doing here then? Not exactly living the life of an aristocrat or of a soldier.”

“Emphasis on  _supposed_. Nick set a positive example for everyone. He understood everything there is to understand about why we kill badfic. And E.V.L. came to recognize that, too.”

“And you’re just seeing at the idealized image you have of him…”

“Maybe. But that was because almost nobody else even  _looked_ in my direction. Nobody but him and Rayner… And Aiko too, but that’s less important.”

“ _My_ mother was the only person who ever supported me, and she was always careful to never show me her dark side,” Nurse Chan replied, crossing her fingers. “But I was smart to eventually realize, that she must have had something hidden from me. I never knew what, but she did, and wasn’t pleasant, considering the kind of contacts she had… You think I thought less of her for that?”

“Um… No?”

“Exactly, I still loved her, more than anything. No one is perfect, Lapis.”

She looked down at her arm stump again. “Is that why Aiko’s been so mad at me? I always thought that she was jealous of my ambition. But maybe there’s something more…”

“I’m not sure even  _she_ knows why.”

“I’m pretty sure  _nobody_ does. Not even me. Not without some honesty between us, but I don’t know if we can get that far without the situation escalating into violence.”

“Violence is the answer of the weak minded.”

“Then would you consider  _me_ weak-minded?” Lapis covered her face, sobbing a little. “I  _bit_ Backslash! I know he was horrible to me, but that doesn’t excuse anything…”

“Yes,” the Nurse replied bluntly. “And like I said before, your arm is only a huge issue if you make it so.”

Lapis nodded. “Is there anything else you have to say to me?”

“Yes, an example,” the Nurse said, as she removed the hair from the right side of her head to show Lapis a scar that ran from the neck, passed to the side of the ear and got lost in the hair. “This scar goes from my neck to the top of head.”

Lapis raised an eyebrow. “Where did you  _get_ that?”

“Hunting,” the blonde replied, releasing her hair. “And like that I have many more on my body, below my neck.. Cuts, puncture wounds, acid scars, burn scars… Arceus knows how can I still walk after how many times my bones have been broken…”

Lapis’ eyes widened. “And you never talked about  _any_ of that?”

“No, why would I?” Corinna shrugged. “But those were not the injuries which affected me the most… There was one in particular…”

“The one you showed me?”

“No, I can’t show you the one anyway. There was this time I was injured below the waist…”

Lapis cringed, her knees knocking together.

“...the claw of an Ursaring pierced deep in my flesh, and when I returned home to be checked by the local medic, I received the news…”

Lapis leaned a little forward, listening intently.

“…I would never be able to have children of my own… ever.”

The blue-haired girl had gone white as chalk. “Oh… Oh, no… I’m so sorry, Nurse Chan.”

“I still remember the medic’s comment like it was yesterday… ‘Белая смерть, ты хотите, чтобы я сказал своим родителям делать?’ My answer was ‘Нет’... You want to know why I refused the medic’s offer to tell my family?”

“…No?” Lapis shivered.

“I will tell you anyway. The aristocratic world is… complicated, to put it mildly. Had word of that gone to other aristocratic lines… Well, the reputation of my House would have never recovered, I would not have cared if my  _own_ reputation was on the line, but my parents? They would have been front and center taking the full brunt of the storm. I did it for them, to spare them from the public ridicule… Which would have been the best case scenario.”

“Do I want to know the  _worst_ case scenario?” asked Lapis. Then she paused. “…Okay, forget I said that. I  _don’t_ want to know.”

Nurse Chan blinked absentmindedly. “Why do I tell you this, Lapis? Because I no longer let it define me. What I lost is not what I am. I have already come to terms that I would be the last of the House of Chan, and my bloodline dies with me. And if others judge me for that, is their problem, not mine.”

Lapis nodded silently.

The nurse suddenly took a look at the clock on her wall. “Well, look at the time, Lapis. It seems like this session is over, I’ll see you next month.”

Lapis stood up. “Thank you for your time, Nurse Chan. And I’ll try to remember your advice. I hope.”

She waved at her goodbye, before turning to her other work.

As soon as Lapis exited the office, she turned and did a double take. Rayner was leaning on the wall, his eyes closed, his expression sullen.

“Lapis… I think we may have a pending discussion,” he said.

“About what?” asked Lapis.

“Well… I hope you heed Nurse Chan’s advice. Yes, I listened. And I think it’s about time we had talked about how Nick and I first met.”

With that happy thought, he put his hand on her shoulder and led her away from FicPsych.

Back at the office, just as Lapis had left, Nurse Chan turned to the door and muttered, “Of course, I am  _sure_ you will…” Causing a blob of Sar-Plasm to fall on an unsuspecting, sleeping Pikachu…


	7. 2015 Body Swap Event, Part 1: Switcheroo Special

_Disclaimer:_ _The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. All canons and continua mentioned belong to their respective owners._ _Solvig Sterling, Yuuna Takamiya, Shui-Hua Liu, Wilhelm Winters and Corinna Chan are owned by Edhelistar._ _Sarah Squall, Cupid Carmine, Backslash, and Whitney belong to SkarmorySilver._

_Note: This interlude takes place during the[2015 Body Swap Event](http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/2015_Body-Swap_Event)._

 

* * *

 

 

_August 30th, 2015, at Rudi’s…_

“Cupid, I think you really have to stop…”

It was a teenaged Homs who spoke this, trying to console the angel he was sitting next to at Rudi’s.

“Why should I? Thank Palutena those fics were short, I couldn’t take it anymore!”

“Yeah. Three godling Suvians,  _including_ a replacement of the  _main protagonist_ of those books Sarah was talking about…”

“No  _wonder_ I needed a drink. *hic*”

“No. You don’t.”

“Why?! It’s either that or suffer through the badfic!”

“I’m not happy about this either, especially not with you wanting to drink yourself senseless  _during_ the Duty.”

“You have a problem with that?!” Cupid cried, standing up. He looked at his Bleeport bottle and realized that it was empty.

“I know two fics involving a literal God-Mode Harry Potter replacement were a bit much, but you need to exercise self-control.”

“Self control? SELF CONTROL?!” He threw the now empty bottle away with a loud crashing noise. “I’m COMPLETELY CALM—”

“Okay, that’s enough,” Backslash said fiercely, standing up. “We’re going back to your RC. You need rest, and I do mean a lot of it.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right… It’s not like this day can get any worse…”

All three of the Homs/Honedge’s purple eyes widened in horror at this. He backed away instinctively, just as the poor angel threw up onto the floor and passed out.

Little did he know that he wouldn’t be the only one to pass out…

 

**********

 

“Ugh… What… Happened?…” Cupid slowly opened his eyes, rubbing his head. Where was he, and what in Skyworld had happened last night? Sitting up, he brushed a lock of auburn hair out of his face, deciding to take a shower.

Wait, red hair? Wasn’t his hair brown?

Springing to his feet, he rushed over to the mirror. A redheaded girl stared back at him, and “her” blue eyes widened as he realized that he was now a girl, just like in one of his previous missions. He turned away, pressing both hands to his forehead as the realization hit him.

“Yeah… I think I’ve had enough Bleeport for today…”

“Char?”

Lizzie looked curiously at the person that the person that seemed to be her master. “Char charmander char?” The eyes of the Lizard Pokémon glistened with concern over her master.

“Oh, hey, little guy!” Cupid looked down at the Charmander, then knelt down to speak to her. “Listen, it’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. I’m guessing you’re my… pet? Or the pet of the girl I’m possessing? Uh… Well… Listen, I may be a little wonky for a while, so I hope you understand that. Just sit tight. I’ll take care of you. Or try to.”

He stood up and turned away, trying to hide his discomfort. This was exactly like when he was possessing Pit, except he wasn’t doing it to make him cry. Hopefully someone would get him out with a smoke bomb or two… right?

“Charrrrr…” Lizzie frowned and started using Growl. The one there wasn’t her master, and whoever was there, was going to pay for the theft of her master…

Cupid turned around, his heart beating fast, and raised “her” hands in a gesture of surrender. “Uh… Heheh, nice Charmander… Like I said, your master maybe a little wonky… Just… calm down, all right? I’m on your side!”

Just then the blue light of a portal filled the RC. A violet-haired Asian girl in civilian clothing, taller than the body Cupid was inhabiting now, stepped out of it.

She glanced at the scene and raised her eyebrow. “I knew that you having that critter would end in a disaster.” She sighed and turned to see Cupid. “What you did wrong now?”

Cupid ran and hid behind the girl. “Oh, thank Lady Palutena!” he cried. “I was wondering if someone would help! Listen…” He then whirled the other girl around and held both of her shoulders. “Are you with the girl whose body I’m trapped in? I need you to grab a smoke bomb and throw it at me! Quick! Before that Charmander toasts me!”

“That Charmander only knows how to growl and scratch.” Yuuna locked her glare on “Solvig’s” eyes. “Me, on the other hand…”

She kneed Cupid between his (her?) legs, bringing her (him?) to her (his?) knees, and then aimed her handgun at the back of his head. “Who are you and what have you done with Solvig!?”

Cupid reeled in pain, terror-stricken. There was nothing he could do but obey this girl. But he had to explain himself. Somehow.

“I don’t know what happened!” he cried, his hands still raised, his crotch pounding in sudden pain. “I just passed out at Rudi’s after a mission and now I’m in the body of… Of…”

He realized where this was going. “This body I’m in is…  _beautiful._ ”

He felt the gun on the back of his head, and broke out into a cold sweat.  _Wrong answer_ , he thought.

“You may not know me as myself, but… I think my partner told me about you. You’re Yuuna, right? I’m Cupid. Cupid Carmine.”

“Cupid… Carmine?” said Yuuna. “Well, well, isn’t the terror of DoSAT himself…”

She took his (current) chin and lifted his head to see him to the eyes. "But that doesn’t tell me what you did with my partner, does it?" she said with a mockingly sweet voice tone. There was a dangerous glint in Yuuna’s eyes.

Lizzie, being the smart girl she was, scurried to her sleeping basket and hid in it.

“Y-your guess is as good as mine!” Cupid slowly stood up and backed away, hands still raised. “I really don’t know how I ended up in Solvig’s body. Honest! Listen, the sooner you get me me back in my own body and your partner into her’s, the sooner I’ll be out of here!”

He gulped and added, “You don’t want to hurt her, don’t you?”

“You make a lot of assumptions, buddy…” Yuuna said holstering her gun, and taking out a small metallic box out of her bag. “And I need to know,  _if_ that’s actually my partner’s body…” She then took out a small green glowing crystal out the box and threw it at Cupid’s feet.

The reaction was instantaneous. “AAAAAGH! GET IT AWAY FROM MEEEEeee…!”

Cupid sank to his knees, his strength giving way. He tried reaching for the green crystal but he couldn’t move his arm! What was the meaning of this? What did this crystal do?

No, wait. It couldn’t be.

Was he a… a  _Kryptonian?_ Sarah had told him about training one… Could this be her? And then he remembered.

“The girl… I’m possessing…” he gasped weakly, now curled up on the floor. “I know her…! We’ve met… before…” He looked very close to passing out now, but she had to know…

Yuuna tilted her head, puzzled, and then squatted and grabbed the glass marble-sized crystal with her index and thumb. “I’ve heard that Kryptonian limits were psychosomatic in nature, but this ridiculous…” She sighed. “You’re kind of a pansy if you pass out by the radiation of this one inch piece.”

She left the Kryptonite back on the floor, went to the console and sat on one of the chairs there, with her legs crossed. “And besides, the tests aren’t over… deactivate.”

Cupid let out a long, continuous scream. “AAAAAAAAAH! WHATEVER YOU JUST DID, TURN IT OOOOOOFFFFFF!!!”

He writhed on the floor, agony coursing through his new body. Clearly, asking Solvig’s partner to help had been a terrible mistake, and he was now paying the price for his short-sightedness. Did Sarah have to experience anything like this when she worked with her?

His vision began blurring around the edges, and his screams turned into something almost like a haggard death-rattle…

Yuuna ignored the screams, and instead watched her wristwatch for a few more seconds. Then she said, “Activate.”

She stood up, walked to the angel-turned-Kryptonian-girl, and took the Kryptonite piece from “her”, before putting it back in its lead-lined box.

“The fact that the rock affected you like it did, and you weren’t able to focus your superhuman senses, rules out Suvian possession, and proves that you aren’t my partner.” she said. “Solvig would have been able to focus herself in that time. But still, that doesn’t tell us where she is.” She forced Cupid back on ‘her’ feet and gestured for him to walk with her. “Come now, we are going to see the Lichen.”

Cupid had no choice but to follow. But one question began forming in the back of his mind…

“…If I’m not possessing Solvig… then why am I in her body?! I don’t sense her soul! Remember when Pit possessed Magnus during the whole Ring of Chaos disaster?! They were two souls in one body! Solvig’s soul isn’t here!”

And then a horrible thought struck him. “…Oh,  _skata_ … What if Solvig and I… have  _switched souls?!_ ”

Yuuna stopped and stared at Cupid. “Listen, uh… Cupid, right? That sounds ridiculous," she said, “if you keep talking like this, next thing you’re going say is that that insufferable… Technician, from T&A became a dandelion.”

Cupid shuddered, remembering the tale that Sarah and Lapis had told him about Shui-Hua a few weeks back.

As they were heading towards the Lichen’s office, however, someone came up to them. It was an Asian young man with wild black hair, glasses, and a bulletproof vest over a dark gray, long-sleeved tee.

“Excuse me,” he said, “but have you seen anyone who resembles the trainer from  _Wii Fit_ around here? White skin, gray hair in a ponytail, blue tank top and dark gray comfy pants.”

Yuuna stared longingly at the young man.  _He looks like my boyfriend…_ she thought.

A moment later, however, she shook those thoughts out of her mind, and replied, “No, I haven’t seen anyone like that… and what’s a ‘Wee-feet’, anyway?”

Cupid perked up, recognizing the name instantly. “I know about the Wii Fit Trainer!” he said suddenly. “But… We haven’t seen her anywhere. Why are you asking us?”

“There is a clone of the trainer who works as an assassin in the DMS-VG division,” said the man. “I am her, in the body of someone else, and I’ve been looking for her body. She could be anywhere by now, seeing as there’s been a massive body swap throughout HQ.”

“Oh, for the love of God…” said Yuuna, rubbing her temple. “I leave HQ for a few hours, and the place goes  _crazier_ than usual…”

“Lady Palutena, I  _was_ right,” added ‘Solvig’. Then ‘she’ blinked at the boy. “ _Whitney?!_ ”

“Nice to see you again, by the way,” said the boy. “I must say, Cupid, it feels strange to hear your personality through the voice and appearance of someone else, but I know of only one person who’d swear by the Goddess of Light, at least on a personal level. I don’t know what happened to the other one, though.”

“Yeah, well… We haven’t seen any Wii Fit Trainers around here at all,” Cupid replied. “Besides, this is the DIC. I know she could be anywhere, but you’re kinda in the wrong place. Sorry.”

The boy shrugged. “I suppose I could always look elsewhere. Thank you for your help anyway.”

He turned and walked away, leaving Cupid and Yuuna by themselves once again.

“ _Now_ do you believe me?” asked the angel-turned-Kryptonian, looking at Yuuna with a pleading expression.

“That’s irrelevant,” the  _violette_ replied, pushing him to make him walk. “We’re going to see the Lichen regardless.”

Cupid could only manage a frightened whimper.

They didn’t get to advance more than a few steps when suddenly, they bumped into Nurse Chan. “Oh sorry, I was… distracted… Oh, hello, Agent Takamiya, and…” The blonde narrowed her eyes. “…Cupid Carmine…”

“Nice meeting you, Nurse Chan,” said the violet-haired girl.

Cupid blinked. “H-how did you know? A-and you must be Lapis’ nurse… right? H-hi… Well… This is awkward…”

“Well, this proves my suspicions.  _Jävlar_ , I hate being right about these kind of things.”

“Nurse Chan,” Yuuna said, “Apologies, but you haven’t answered the question. How did you know Agent Carmine was in control of the body?”

“Oh that is quite _—_ Wait… How did  _you_ know?” The Nurse said turning to Yuuna.

“I had to perform some...  _tests_ , ma’am.”

“Tests? Like which tests?”

“ _Which tests?!_ She shoved a green rock up my—” Cupid began, but he was quickly interrupted by an elbow to his ribs.

Nurse Chan looked frighteningly calm. “Kryptonite?”

“Yes ma’am,” Yuuna quickly replied.

“Anything else I should be aware of?”

“Yes, ma’am. I also deactivated the Limiter to test his control over the sensorial input.”

“Oh, don’t start  _that_ again!” Cupid groaned.

“Yuuna…” The Nurse breathed deeply. “What. Were. You.  _Thinking!?_ ”

“I beg your pardon, ma’am,” the Asian girl said.

“You could have killed us all!” The Nurse cried. “Solvig could be however she is, but at least she has some degree of control over her body! You had no idea who or what was under her body’s control yet you deactivated the Limiter of someone who can break apart moons with her bare fists!”

“I… I _—_ ”

“You’re relieved from duty, Agent, return to your post, I will handle Mr. Carmine from now on.”

“Yes, ma’am!” Yuuna’s face was red with anger, but said nothing else and returned to her RC.

Nurse Chan sighed. “I don’t know why Upstairs thought assigning this girl as Solvig’s partner was a good idea…”

“I don’t know why possessing Solvig’s  _body_ was a good idea!” Cupid facepalmed. “And I didn’t even intend to do it, either! What is even happening around here?!”

“I am not sure, Mister Carmine. Now, regarding your question, I can feel your Aura and not Solvig’s in there,” the Nurse said, as she started walking on the opposite direction than Yuuna went, gesturing Cupid to follow her.

Cupid was all too glad to follow her and leave Yuuna behind. As the two of them walked, the “Kryptonian” was brimming with questions, and as soon as “she” was out of earshot of Yuuna they started spilling out.

“So, what’s this thing about Aura? Is that like the thing with Lucario from  _Brawl_? Or from Pokémon? A-and you can sense Aura, too! Is that a thing with people like you? Are you a—”

“Yes,” the Nurse replied bluntly without turning.

Cupid looked at her, feeling slightly offended. “Um, what? I didn’t even finish!”

“Oh, sorry, the answer for the incomplete question is ‘No, I am  _not_ an Aura Guardian’.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Huh?”

“By the way, it would have been no use to go to the Lichen. He was not there.”

“Huh?”

“Oh you know what I mean, his physical body was there, but the Aura was someone else’s.”

“Oh? Who?” Then he paused. “Wait.  _Everybody’s_ been body swapped?!”

“No, I am still in my body.” She realized that they were in front of DoSAT, and she entered without a word. Cupid also said nothing as he followed her inside. Suddenly, an emerald-green Pernese fire-lizard passed to the side of them.

Nurse Chan followed the fire-lizard with her gaze, until it got out of sight. “Well, I guess Shui-Hua is not here either.”

“Shui-Hua?” Cupid’s eyes widened a little. “Wait, wasn’t she that techie Lapis talked with a while ago?”

”Yes,” the blonde replied, “and that was her fire-lizard, Feysuei. I would follow it, but I fear what we might find.”

“...We’re going to follow it, aren’t we?” Cupid looked after where the creature had gone, “her” expression betraying dismay and confusion.

“You have a better idea?” The Nurse asked raising her eyebrow.

“Let me think… Uh, no.”

“You have one of the fastest brains in the multiverse right now, and that is the best you get? I am  _not_ impressed.”

“I’ve only been in this body for less than a day! Gimme some slack, will you?”

“Regardless, I lost track of Feysuei’s Aura, we would not find her anytime soon.”

Then a thought occurred to him. “Hang on. What if I could use my Kryptonian senses to find her or something? I know it may be a bit hard in the midst of everybody else around here, but I guess it’s still worth a try.”

“Not on my watch. Come, let us go to Rudi’s to see if we can find someone who can help us.”

“…Oh. Okay, then…”

 

**********

 

_Meanwhile at RC #1114…_

A girl with light blue-hair with black streaks… and a spider’s lower body… slept on something that looked like a hammock inside the darkened RC. She slowly woke up and stretched her body, then she started looking surprised around.

“Woah! Since when the RC is so dark?” Took a look at her hands and started touching her upper body all around. “Since when am I so furry!? Since when do I sleep on a hammock!?”

She suddenly lost her balance and fell to the ground.

“Since when did I manage to fall that fast…?” She tried to move her legs. “Wait. Why do I feel more than two legs? Let me count...” She started moving the legs one by one “One, two three, four five, six, seven… eight! Huh, arachnid legs… Wait, what!?”

Then she let out a scream that was heard all the way to the Nursery.

Then there was a noise like claws scraping against the door. A male voice could be heard behind it a moment later. “Hello? Anyone in there? I thought I heard someone yelling or something!”

“No! There’s nobody here!!” The girl replied, before rapidly covering her mouth.

“I can  _hear_ you, whoever you are. And it’s okay. I already know everybody’s been body-swapped!”

“ _Pfffffffffftt_ … No one has been body swapped here! What makes you think that?  _Hehhehhehheheeeh_ …” Then she muttered, “I’m sooo  _derped_ …”

“You think  _that’s_ bad? Try being stuck in the body of the guy who nearly  _killed_ you in your homefic. And he didn’t even come with opposable thumbs!”

“I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about.”

“Just open the door. I think you’ll know when you see what I look like.”

She crossed her arms. “No sorry, mommy told me not to open the door to hissy raspy voices…”

“You’d understand if you’d just let me in. Or just come out and talk to me. Just… Don’t worry. I’m  _not_ going to eat you, for the love of—”

 

**********

 

_Meanwhile at another point of HQ..._

Nurse Chan turned around at a hallway junction. “Huh… I have no memory of this place.”

“You can sense Aura, and you can’t tell where we are?” Cupid facepalmed. “How ironic.”

“Inanimate objects have no Aura, Ser Ethanol.” Then she muttered to herself. “I knew this map of HQ was useless...” She turned to Cupid. “Mister Carmine, you haven’t been thinking about Rudi’s, have you?”

“I need a drink.”

“I thought so.”

Then a scream was heard in the distance.

Nurse Chan raised her eyebrow. “Mister Carmine, I think we might have found someone who just discovered that has been body swapped. Shall we pay a visit to this person?”

“Uh… Maybe? Maybe. At least it’ll help us piece together what happened…”

“I certainly hope so…” the Nurse said as she started walking towards the direction the scream was heard.

“What was that?” asked Cupid.

“A scream,” the Nurse replied, “you know, the act of using most of the air in your lungs to generate a high pitched sound, normally used to convey fear, surprise, excitement and other various emotions.”

Cupid gave her a deadpan look. “And where did that scream come from?”

“The direction we are going, of course”

He shrugged, and then followed her, deciding not to ask anything else. He probably didn’t want to know, but regardless he’d find out very soon.

 

**********

 

_Back to RC #1114…_

Sarah did not want to be kept waiting. She scratched at the door again, hoping to get another response.

“Seriously, if you don’t come out and talk you’ll probably be stuck in someone else’s body until this blows over!” She paused, thinking. “ _Are_ you in someone else’s body?”

“Sorry doggy… we have no bones!” said the voice from inside.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Then she blinked. There was something familiar about the tone of this person’s voice. “Hang on a minute…”

Suddenly, behind her, a female voice with a thick Swedish accent said, “Well now, that is something you do not see every day…”

“ _Ripper?!_ ” Cupid stared at the  _Deinonychus_ in front of the door, his eyes round as gumballs.

“I’m  _not_ Ripper! I’m —  _Solvig?!_ ” Sarah’s eyes widened as well.

“I did not mean the dinosaur by itself,” Nurse Chan said, “I meant a dinosaur with a superhero’s mind inside, is not that right Miss Squall?”

“Yeah… Don’t ask.” Then Sarah blinked. “Wait, how did you know?”

“She sensed some kind of Aura!” Cupid grinned, pointing at “her” temple and twirling “her” fingertip a little. “Crazy, I know, but I gotta say, it’s really cool! And helpful.”

Nurse Chan walked towards the door, and put her hand on it trying to feel the Aura behind it. She took a deep breath, then said, “Solvig? How are you?”

“Sprawled on the ground, unable to stand up… Who knew it was that hard to stand back up with eight legs? By the way, it’s nice to hear a familiar voice.”

Nurse Chan just smiled.

Cupid and Sarah stared at each other in total shock.

“Okay. So.” Cupid was the first to speak. “Whoever’s in there…” He pointed at the door. “…is the one who’s supposed to be inhabiting  _this_ body?” He wiggled one of his own—

“Cupid?  _Knock it off._ ” Sarah’s glare would’ve peeled paint.

“Right! Sorry!”

Nurse Chan smacked him on the back of his head. “I have been waiting to do that since the day Solvig told me about what happened in the first Purim party.”

“Which is why I don’t invite him to any occasion that’s got alcohol on the beverage list,” said Sarah. “Cupid, you’ve already got a girlfriend. What would she think if she’d known? For your sake and everyone else’s,  _please_ stop diving into people’s sensitive parts even if you’re sober!”

He gave her an apologetic look. “You’ve told me that so many times.  _Everyone’s_ told me that so many times. They’re never gonna let me live that down, aren’t they?”

“Oh dear Arceus, you have  _no_ idea, Miss Squall,” said Nurse Chan, trying very hard not to giggle.

Cupid sighed. “Should I go in and apologize to Solvig? I think I should. It’s only fair…”

“Hello! Can anybody hear me, I’m getting kinda bored…” suddenly Solvig said from inside.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“Come, help me find a way to open the door.” Nurse Chan gestured the body swapped Agents with her.

“Can’t you just open it like anyone else?” asked Cupid.

“No chance. It’s locked,” said Sarah. “And apparently, Solvig isn’t used to her new body so she can’t come over and unlock it for us…”

“And I definitely can’t shoot web like Spider-man,” Solvig said from inside, “Trust me, I  _tried._ ”

“We need some kind of techno-gizmo genius,” said the blonde Poké-Swede.

Sarah perked up a little. “Do you have a communicator? I think I know someone…”

 

**********

_Twenty minutes later…_

“ _Itsy bitsy spider…_ ” Solvig could be heard singing inside, with a very off-key voice.

“How long before we get the door open?” “Ripper”’s voice came from the outside.

“I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean I’m not working on it,” replied a Korean of uncertain gender. “I’ve tried everything short of outright breaking the door down, and I know we can’t do that unless we want whomever owns this RC to kill us all.”

“We could try looking for a sorcerer,” said Nurse Chan, shrugging. “I heard there was one who recently joined the DMS.”

“Huh?” asked Cupid.

“I think his name was William Grey, or something like that, I have not met him personally, though.”

Seung-Li raised an eyebrow. “Huh. Well, whatever the case, I guess there’s  _nothing_ we have on hand that can open this door.”

It swung open.

“…except, of course, the Ironic Overpower.”

Solvig waved from the ground. “Hiiiiiiii guys… Ow… I think my right arm’s cramping…”

The raptor stared at her. “ _Which_ right hand? What  _happened_ to you?!”

“Same as what happened to me,” said Cupid. “She got stuck in the body of somebody else!”

Seung-Li facepalmed. “No  _wonder_ Alex wasn’t like himself today.”

“Hey now, you feather ball! That’s racist!” Solvig cried. “Also… Hi me! Wait, what?”

“Looooong story,” said Cupid. “Basically, I was drinking one shot too many over at Rudi’s and… well… Y’know what, you wanna come with us to Rudi’s?”

“We’ve got a lot to talk about, and a lot to figure out as well,” said Sarah. “And be glad I’m not really Ripper. Only  _I’m_ allowed to call him a feather ball.”

Nurse Chan sighed. “Come on Carmine, help me to put her back on her feet. I pull her arm and you grab her from the waist.”

“And  _please_ keep away from anywhere she won’t like you touching. It  _won’t help,_ ” added Sarah.

Cupid shuddered. “Duly noted.”

Between them managed to put her back her feet, Solvig slid for a few seconds until she finally stabilized.

Then she turned to Cupid. “Are you sure this is my body?” She said poking at “her” chest. “Uh let me see…” Immediately, she pulled the shirt up and then down again. “Yeah, it’s definitely is my body!”

Cupid let out a small scream, instantly turning beet-red.

Sarah covered her face with both of her wings. “Oh, don’t start  _that_ again!”

“Start what?” asked Solvig.

Nurse Chan just looked on the verge of laughing.

“Anyway who’s in my body anyway?” Solvig continued with her hands on her waist

“I think you’ve met him before,” Sarah groaned. “The Purim Party, remember? He swan-dived into your, uh…”

Cupid blushed even harder. “I was  _drunk!_ A-and I’m sorry. Very, very sorry. It was horrible of me to do that and I just—”

“Bah, don’t worry… uh… Cupid? Was ‘Cupid’, right? Anyway, I was never mad at you. I was just a little upset that you didn’t ask first…”

“Awww, c’mon, Solvig!” cried Sarah. “You’re making him as red as Superman’s cape now! Just accept his apology and be done with it, will you?”

“She… She already has, I think,” said Cupid. “But it won’t happen again, to you or to  _anyone_. Sarah told me about Yuuna, your partner, right?”

“Uh yeah… but before we continue…” She moved closer to to Cupid’s current ear and pointed downwards. “Did you give ‘ _her_ ’ the morning exercise?”

“Uh…” Cupid looked away. “What _—_ ”

“Now Solvig, as amusing as groping your body yourself is… I think you are now taking it too far,” Nurse Chan said as she separated the two. “You are not exactly on the wheel of that body.”

“I don’t think it counts as groping if it is my own body,” said the Kryptonian-in-Ne'kalsaider-body. “And besides, I’m giving him permission.”

Cupid cringed. “I’d rather not, thanks!”

Sarah hissed instinctively. “Geez, get a room, you two!”

“No can do,” said Cupid. “I already have a girlfriend.”

“And since when has that been a problem?”

“Solvig, stop it!” Nurse Chan said emphatically.

Solvig flinched. “I… I’ll be outside…” and with that she left the RC, leaving the others for a moment.

“You can’t even walk, Solvig. Here, let us help,” said Sarah.

The two of them helped her up, and managed to haul her out of the RC, thankful that the door was big enough for a giant spider to fit through.

She turned to Cupid and muttered, “Who’s the feather ball?”

“Sarah, apparently,” Cupid replied. “Who, incidentally, happens to be my partner.”

“Oooooh,” Solvig replied, her eyes wide.

Meanwhile, Nurse Chan saw them leave, then turned to Seung-Li, who had been quiet all this time and had an expression of utter consternation. “So, how do you feel?”

They shook their head. “I don’t even know what’s real anymore.”

“Understandable. Do you want to come with us to Rudi’s to continue our investigation?”

They thought about it for a moment and then sighed. “Guess I don’t have anything better to do.”

“Fine. Let us lock this door again and get out of here.”

Seung-Li smirked a little. “Say no more.”

A while later, the entire party finally arrived at to Rudi’s. The whole place was in total chaos, obviously, but Sarah’s eyes were only on a blond Homs and an angel in a pink toga.

“Backslash! Cu — Oh, wait. Cupid’s right here.”

“Hmm…” Nurse Chan raised an eyebrow. “That’s something I haven’t felt before. The Aura feels wild, yet I feel an intelligence, like from a sentient creature; it feels like a Pokémon, but at the same time different.”

The Homs looked at them and raised an eyebrow. “So  _that’s_ where my body went.”

Sarah ruffled her feathers, growling. “ _Ripper?!_ ”

Nurse Chan moved her gaze between them. “So that is how the Aura of a sentient dinosaur would feel like…”

Cupid stared at his body, which was sitting up on the floor with a flushed expression. “I… What…”

The angel’s body suddenly hiccuped and fell to his side and started snoring.

“Well,” Nurse Chan said, “Apparently, the Bonsai Mallorn would not be able to help us.”

“We noticed,” muttered Sarah, still glaring at Ripper.

The nurse grabbed her by the nostrils and said, “Now, now kids. If you two would be so kind of playing nice that would be much appreciated.” Then she released the nostrils, and Sarah stumbled back, shaking her head and snorting like an animal.

Ripper scowled. “Be thankful that’s Sarah currently inhabiting my body…”

Sarah continued glaring at him. “Ripper, I wouldn’t mess with her if I were you. If she can sense Aura like Angel Face here says she can, she’d be more than happy to send you to Medical if you even think about biting her. And I’d hate to agree with you, but she’s right — We’ve got bigger problems than, well,  _you._ ” She blinked. “Where’s Backslash, by the way?”

“Your guess,” said Ripper, throwing the end of his scarf over his shoulder, “is as good as mine.”

“We could find him, with the help of the DIA,” Nurse Chan said without missing a beat. “But even that is also a minor concern...”

“Yeah, that’s not answering the bigger question,” said Cupid. “ _Why_ is all this happening? What happened to switch all of us like this? And is there anything we can do to fix it?”

Sarah shook her head. “That’s the thing. We don’t know yet…”

“Hmm…” Nurse Chan closed her eyes momentarily, then turned to the technician among them. “What do you think Seung-Li, is there any technological marvel that could have caused this?”

“Knowing what DoSAT’s current stock can do, I wouldn’t be surprised,” the technician replied.

“Hang on, that’s it!” said Cupid. “We can check the inventory and see if they’ve got any devices that could’ve set this off!”

“I was thinking the same,” said Ripper. “But I’m guessing DoSAT would be a total mess. This whole body swap may have affected the entirety of HQ if you people ended up like this as well.”

“Not entirely true,” Nurse Chan said suddenly. “I have found some people seemingly unaffected at random, like Seung-Li here.”

“Yeah,” Solvig said, “Like it was magic…”

“Wait, how did you not get—” Sarah began.

“Maybe it’s best that we didn’t ask,” said Cupid.

“Telepathic protection from a Gardevoir,” the nurse said bluntly, “What or whoever did all of this,  _tried_ it on me but did not work thanks to that.”

“So, mental protection would’ve worked against whatever happened,” said Cupid, “but  _physical_ protection wouldn’t have. So, are we looking at something like a mind control device?”

Sarah gasped. “I know several of those from my home continuum! I think they used one in one of the comics. What if the device in question was like one of those, but it malfunctioned?”

“Makes sense,” said Solvig. “Stuff like that has happened in the DCU, but usually involves magical artifacts… or  _both!_ ”

“Why not we go look for anything that could’ve caused this, then?” asked Cupid. “And maybe Ripper can come along, too. We could always use more team members!”

“Good idea,” said Nurse Chan, “Seung-Li I think you will be the best to look in DoSAT, Ripper and Sarah go to the DIA and ask information from Captain Dandy and…” She sighed. “Solvig and… Cupid, ask around the hallways, maybe someone knows more than us.” She then added looking at her watch. “Myself, I have to go back to my office, I have something to attend to.”

“Sounds good,” said Sarah. Then her eyes widened. “Wait, me? With  _him?!_ ”

“I’d rather go with Cupid, to be honest,” said Ripper. “And Sarah can go with Solvig.”

“Yes, I am aware of your concerns,” the blonde nurse added. “And teaming all of you up this way would not have been my first option, but Sarah and Solvig are the only ones familiar with this kind of event, and the others do not know about them, so… I think you get the point, right?”

“I’ll go with Solvig,” said Ripper. “Sarah and Cupid are partners, so it only makes sense for them to go together.”

“I agree with the dino!” said Cupid.

“Are you sure that is the best idea?” Nurse Chan smirked. “Sarah Squall, you know how Kryptonian physiology works?”

“Uh… No?” Sarah’s heart sank.

“Exactly. Also, who can better tell you how to use the body you have now, than the owner himself, Ripper, do you not think?”

“Hm. A fair point,” said Ripper. “But Sarah and I are enemies, and I refuse to go with her even under these circumstances.”

“I’ll go with Ripper,” said Seung-Li. “Sarah and Cupid can both go with Solvig. I’m guessing she’ll need two people to hold her up…”

“No, Seung-Li,” said Corinna, “I need you in DoSAT, and I do not trust Ripper being that near to technology. There is something about his Aura…”

Ripper scowled. “If you’re talking about my history as a badfic character, I discarded my prior interests almost as soon as I finished my first training mission. I have no interest in sabotaging or subjugating anything to do with the PPC, and I certainly won’t cause any trouble with Seung-Li, especially not at a time like this. I’m going with them, and that’s my final word.”

“Fine! Seung-Li,” she turned to the technician, “Do you have a phaser?”

“No, why?”

“Well, as soon as you get to DoSAT, get one, put it in the maximum setting and if he tries something… vaporize him.”

Sarah gave Ripper a stern look. “Don’t you ruin this for us,  _fluffy-butt_.”

Ripper pinched the bridge of his nose. “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

“I’m sorry, Ripper,” the nurse replied, “but your Aura does not come as trustworthy for me, but it is definitely  _not_ Suvian.” She then turned to Sarah. “Miss Squall, I still need you to go to the Captain Dandy, and the other two to gather information in the hallways,  _understood_?”

“All righty, then,” said Sarah, shuddering a little.

“Good, meanwhile…” The nurse turned down to the floor. “I think we should clean up the table for the Bonsai Mallorn to sleep over the intoxication he has, courtesy of Mister Carmine…”

Cupid blushed. “Sorry, Nurse, uh… What’s your name?”

“Corinna Mathilda Lovisa, the First from the House of Chan!” Solvig shouted suddenly.

“Solvig, I am certain this gentleman did not need my entire name and title… nor the rest of the patrons for that matter.” Nurse Chan said with a weirdly calm tone of voice.

“Can I just call you Nurse Chan, then?” asked Cupid.

“Yes, you can, Mister Carmine,” she said standing up. “Now if you excuse me, I have to get going, no point in leaving the patients waiting. Fair hunting to all of you children.”

And with that she left the premises of the bar.

Sarah glared at Ripper one last time. “Be thankful I didn’t try to get this body hurt on purpose,” she said. “Unlike you, I at least have a sense of honor!”

Ripper shook his head. “It’s just as well. I’d have had to bite your head off.”

“Can we not?” asked Cupid. “We all have more important things to do.”

“Riiiight. Anyway,” said Sarah, “I’m out. And Cupid, if you and Solvig get into another situation, I swear to Thor, I will  _kill you._ ”

“I won’t! Promise!”

With that, Cupid cleaned the table, easily lifted his actual body onto it so the Bonsai could sleep in peace, and helped Solvig out of Rudi’s.

Once they had gotten a fair amount away from the place, Solvig turned to Cupid and said, “Uh.. Sorry about what happened a little ago, I forgot yesterday to take my dose of Anti-Lustin and my mind was still a little wonky today ‘cuz of that… By the way, you didn’t forget to get my body’s dose today, right?”

Cupid’s eyes widened. “Welp, I’m doomed.”

“Oh derp! Then we have to go back to the RC and… and… and  _Yuuna_ ’s there, right?”

Cupid looked at her, his eyes widening. “Um, maybe?”

Solvig thought for a moment. “Ya’know, I think I’ll rather take my chances with Sarah, she’s the  _least_ likely to actually kill us…”

“Yeah, probably. So, back to my RC, I guess?”

“You have Anti-Lustin?”

“Oh yeah, Sarah told me she keeps a stash of that stuff! And an air-powered tranquilizer rifle. Just in case.” He reached for “her” special region, but stopped himself at the last moment.

“Well, it’s worth a try… We should keep away from pretty girls, too…”

“I  _am_ a pretty girl. Is that a problem?”

“If that weird smell coming from you is what I think it is… I’ll say, yes.”

Beat. “Oh,  _gamo._ ”

 

**********

_Meanwhile…_

Sarah stood in front of the Captain Dandy’s office, the feathers of her current body ruffled with anticipation. Had the Dandy been affected by this body swap, too? She didn’t want to know, but for the sake of everyone else, she  _had_ to.

She tried to knock on the door, but her wings weren’t built for that, so she had to kick it lightly with her taloned foot instead. “Ow… Uh, hello?”

She heard a fluttering of fronds and wings, some stuff breaking, and a random hissing noise.  _You can come in in, yes._ The voice echoed in her mind as the doors slid open.

Sarah stepped into the room, her current lack of facial muscles regretfully preventing her from expressing her utter confusion at seeing an oversized dandelion with an emerald-green fire-lizard on one of its leaves.

 _May I help you, Agent…?_ The dandelion suddenly said telepathically.

“Well, duh,” said Sarah. “Everybody’s been body-swapped!”

_Very well, and how may I help you?_

“I need information. We  _all_ need information. Do you or any of the other Flowers know what could have caused all of this? Or anyone who can help with the task of  _un_ -body-swapping everybody?”

 _I see. I’m waiting for information myself, I have the Security Dandelions in high alert and investigating the matter. You don’t have a reason to worry, agent… I_ think  _._

“You think?” Sarah cocked her head instinctively. “Hold up, did you just tempt the Ironic Overpower or something? Because I  _really_ don’t wanna get swapped with yet another person again.”

 _Uh… I didn’t say anything anything of that sort, nope, I didn’t. Darn it, I didn’t realize I can’t mutter like_ —  _I did just broadcast that, didn’t I?_

Beat. “...You’re not the Captain Dandy, are you?”

 _Of course I am! What makes you think that? Hohohohoho._ The fronds suddenly fell down.  _No I am not... Just don’t tell anybody!_

Sarah’s feathers ruffled. “Even the  _Flowers_ are swapped?! Oh dear Steve Rogers, this is bad. Very, very  _bad._ ”

 _That takes me to the question: Who. The. Heck. Are. You?_ Sarah could almost see the non-existent rising eyebrow.

“Well… Normally, I’m Agent Sarah Squall, DIC. But this body I’m in is that of—” Sarah shuddered, making her feathers rustle slightly. “—Velociripper, DF.” She leaned in a little closer and whispered, “I won’t tell, but who are  _you_ , really?”

 _I see…_ Suddenly the fire-lizard bit one of the leaves.  _Hey! Feysuei! Let go!_

Sarah cocked her head. “Feysuei? Um… What even is going on here? And who’s Feysuei?”

The “Captain” suddenly stopped shaking “his” fronds.  _Wait. Sarah Squall? Hey, why haven’t I seen you at the Danger Room since you went to ask about it?_

Sarah blinked. “The Danger Room?” Then her eyes widened. “ _Shui-Hua?!_ ”

_In the fl— Uh… stalks and leaves._

Sarah sighed. “I believe one of my partners owes you an apology, for obvious reasons. I’ve already went over it with her, and—”

Feysuei suddenly bit her snout, stopping her tirade. “ _Ow!_ ”

_Thanks, Feysuei. Look, I don’t give a flying turtleduck about your partner. That place is for superhuman agents to train their abilities, not for obnoxious kids to go around._

“I understand, ma’am. I just didn’t visit because I was worried you’d remember what happened—”

Feysuei bit her again.

_I think you should stop talking about it._

“Hmph.”

_Unlike your partner, you, as a superhuman, are welcome to come to the Danger Room any time you please. Just make sure to make an appointment first, to properly schedule your time there._

Sarah nodded, but not before growling at the Fire-Lizard. The technician-turned-Flower noticed this very quickly.

_Feysuei and I are telepathically linked. You growl at her, you growl at me._

“Sorry. Just… If I say something rash while talking to you, just  _tell_ me, okay?”

_Heh, tell me about it. Anyway, the next time you go to the Danger Room, I’ll have something special for you. But for now, you’re dismissed; the Captain Dandy really has a lot to work to do, and I don’t know the context to half of it._

If Sarah could smile, she would’ve. “Understood, ma’am.”

 

**********

_Meanwhile…_

“Solvig, for the last time,  _no touchy!_ ”

“Uh… What? I’m not the one controlling my body, ya’know?”

Cupid slogged towards the door of his RC, Solvig slowly trailing behind him. “I  _know_ there’s gotta be some anti-Lustin around the place  _some_ where…”

“Hopefully,” Solvig replied with a sigh.

“Yeah, Sarah stocked up on tons of the stuff after, uh,  _that_ incident. Which I’m still totally apologetic for and wanted to make up to you somehow—”

“Oh,  _sure_ you do…” Solvig said, giggling.

“If only I could just find where she hid the stuff. Quick question, how much of the stuff do you need right now?”

“Looks like you need some help, young ones. The question is: Would you accept help from a  _Stranger_?” A deep, masculine voice suddenly was heard behind them.

Cupid blinked. “Who said that?”

Both Agents turned around to see a man covered in a blue cape and a blue fedora, which casted a shadow over his eyes.

Solvig narrowed her eyes, before sighing deeply. “The  _Phantom Stranger_ …”

Cupid raised an eyebrow. “Um, hi. Are you another agent or something?”

“Ah yes, I’m an agent, for the Powers above, beyond your comprehension, young angel,” the man replied.

“Yeah, right…” Solvig said flatly. “Look _Stranger_ , isn’t like I don’t appreciate the help… But, what the  _derp_ are you doing here?”

“Impatient, aren’t you lass? We are from the same universe, why would I not help you? I came to warn you, Kryptonian, for the one you must trust the most, is the one who you must trust the least.”

Cupid looked at them both. “I know this is going to sound very stereotypical, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Neither do I…” replied Solvig. “The  _Stranger_ has always been this cryptic… Not to mention that nothing of this situation helps me at all.”

“Also, you must not worry for this exchange of minds,” the  _Stranger_ continued. “For it soon will be solved, by those who started it and some more.”

Solvig and Cupid looked at each other.

“But Stranger, if you’re saying what I think you’re saying, then how long will it be, though, before we get  _un_ -swapped?” asked Cupid.

But the man had already vanished.

Solvig rolled her eyes. “ _Typical_ …”

“What?”

“That was the  _Phantom Stranger_ , a very powerful canon entity from the DC Universe.”

His jaw dropped. “Wait. We were talking to a  _canon?!_ The only canon aware of the PPC I know of is Lady Palutena…”

“I’m not sure he’s aware, nobody knows  _anything_ certain about him for that matter, he comes and goes and does whatever he pleases, giving cryptic advice whenever he thinks is the best time.  _Oh Rao_ , this is going to be terrible for my reputation…”

Cupid facepalmed. “Let’s just get the Anti-Lustin.”

He opened the door to his RC, and then looked at her. “...You can’t fit through the door, can you?”

Solvig gave him a glare that could have bored a hole through his skull.

“Okay, dumb question. Okay, just a sec!” And he stepped into the RC — but not before making a mental note to talk to her about the Phantom Stranger’s warning…  _after_ they were back to normal, that is.


	8. 2015 Body Swap Event, Part 2: The Day After

_Disclaimer:_ _The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. All canons and continua mentioned belong to their respective owners._ _Solvig Sterling, Yuuna Takamiya, Shui-Hua Liu, Wilhelm Winters and Corinna Chan are owned by Edhelistar._ _Sarah Squall, Cupid Carmine, Backslash, and Whitney belong to SkarmorySilver._

_Note: This interlude takes place during the[2015 Body Swap Event](http://ppc.wikia.com/wiki/2015_Body-Swap_Event)._

 

* * *

 

 

**The Day After**

_September 3rd, 2015, 6:00 AM…_

“Uh, Cupid… Wake up!” Solvig said, still in Riaa’lzhor’s body, moving the one which was supposed to her own.

The body twitched a little, and then “her” eyes blinked open groggily. “She” sat up, rubbing “her” hand against “her” forehead. “Wha… What… h-happened…?”

“Well, the good news is that now we know what an Anti-Lustin overdose looks like. The bad news… well…”

“…I’m still in your body, aren’t I?”

“And you used Sarah’s entire Anti-Lustin stash in the last two days…”

“Technically, it was like two-thirds of it!” Cupid facepalmed. “Ugh… I have problems, okay, but—”

“You consumed a  _month’s_ worth of doses, dude! In.  _Two_. Days!”

“Yeah… I don’t know. That feeling of… well… You know… It was  _so_ much more powerful in this body.  _What_ are you, anyway?”

“Hey! I only need a dose  _twice_ a day! That thing is made in the HFA! It’s  _magical!_ And you popped them like  _Skittles_!”

“So, what? It’s not like  _one_ dose was effective on—”

“Also it should be injected, not drunk…”

He blinked, and then his eyes widened, his mouth went slack, and then he pulled at his hair with a cry of frustration. “I  _knew_ it! I  _knew_ I was doing something wrong, and now I’ve got all the stuff in all the wrong places!  _Why_ didn’t you tell me sooner?! Ugh, that stuff was worse than Bleeport, and it didn’t even  _taste_ that good!”

“I  _did_ told ya sooner, but you weren’t exactly in a mental state to listen.”

“You don’t say. Also, Sarah’s going to kill me. I can tell.”

“And… why’s Stephanie’s photo under your pillow?”

Cupid’s eyes widened, his cheeks flushing red. “Uh… That’d be because we went on a mission together? A-and we may or may not have developed a… relationship… since then?”

“Dude, like, you told me that, like, two days ago…”

“And you weren’t even mad about it?”

“Uh what? I barely even knew ya until Sunday!”

“But Sarah said we met during the Purim Party—”

“We spoke for less than  _five minutes_! Really, Cupid, are you still delirious after the overdose?”

“Um, yes?” He laughed nervously. “Well… Sarah  _never_ let me hear the end of that, and nobody else I spoke to at the party did, either. And I already apologized for that, too, so let’s just leave it be.”

He turned away. “And I’m done with that, anyway. The ‘drunken fratboy shenanigans’ as Sarah once put it.”

Solvig took the photo and put it back on Cupid’s bedside table. “ _You_ give it a rest, you haven’t yapped about anything else the last three days!”

“What else was there for me to talk about?” Cupid shook his head. “If I tried to have a proper heart-to-heart with anyone, so to speak, I’d make myself sad… And angry… and depressed… and eventually drunk… again…”

Every hair on Solvig’s body was currently bristling. “I’m having the weirdest sense of  _déjà vú_ right now…”

Cupid blinked. “Oh goddesses, I already told you, didn’t I?”

“Yeah…” Solvig said with a softer tone of voice. “The last two days, each time, before you drank Anti-Lustin until you fell unconscious…”

“So, you know that being a former  _Impetus miserabilis_ has left a horrible mark on my self-esteem? That I still feel horribly guilty about violating the privacy of the agents who exorcised me, and about hurting them out of my own anger and resentment?”

“Well, no… you just started talking about the Purim Party each time…”

“Well… Now you know why I drink so much. Why I used to chase after pretty ladies and caused so much trouble for you and everyone else. Both during the Purim Party and every other time since. I just… I don’t want to go back. Ever. I never asked for that. I just want to be  _done_ with what I once was… What I’m afraid of becoming again…” He sobbed, wiping his face with his arm.

Solvig then softly grabbed the right hand from her actual body. “Cupid, do you notice the faint yellow glow on my bracelet?”

“Um, yes?”

“I like to keep it like that because otherwise… I would have to be taking Bleeprin every two seconds. With it inactive, I can hear everything in the world. Someone being eaten by a saltwater crocodile in Australia, a mugging in New York, an assassination in China, a murder in Sarajevo… I can hear and see it all, and I can’t do anything about it.”

Cupid covered his mouth. “Oh. I… I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry… I wish I could help, but—” Then he gasped. “Wait… If I’m in your body… Does this mean I can hear everything, too?!”

“According to what I was told, Yuuna already made ya do that, didn’t she?”

He gasped. “Oh dear Palutena…”

“Don’t worry, you have to be skilled on focusing my senses to identify a sound over the overwhelming cacophony of the entire Solar System. Yes, I can even hear background radiation, that crap is annoying.”

The poor angel in a Kryptonian’s body keeled over and hit the floor. “Background… radiation…” His head started to spin. He looked at her and said, “I… I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

“Hey! Don’t be!” She said smiling, taking the sides of Cupid’s head and looking him in the eyes. “A lot of the stuff I can do, doesn’t make a lick of sense, I just s—”

Solvig suddenly stopped talking, her face less than three inches from Cupid’s… then her eyes rolled back and she blacked out.

Solvig opened her eyes a moment later, and then noticed something. “Haha! I’m in my body again!”

Suddenly, her communicator started beeping. She fumbled with it for a moment before answering. “Hello?”

_“Ah Solvig! Thank Arceus!”_

“Wha— Nurse Chan, what’s go—”

_“No time! Deactivate!”_

Solvig’s sight blurred momentarily and her ears deafened under a loud cacophony, for a few seconds. “Woah, it’s been awhile since I used these. Nurse Chan? I— She hung up? Oh well.”

Then the Ne'kalsaider at her side started moving.

“Oh right.”

The next fraction of a second was marked by the following events: Solvig grabbing Riaa’lzhor, her bringing her back to RC #1114, her entering and putting Riaa’lzhor back on her hammock, and her vacating and closing the door again. Time suddenly seemed to slow down around her as she started to scan the situation around HQ, and she smiled giddily.

“Well Solvig, time to be a superhero,” she said to herself. “This look like a job for...  _ME!_ ”

And with that, she sped off to search the rest of HQ, to start rescuing people in it, who suddenly found themselves in risky situations at being body swapped back to their bodies. Most of them didn’t even realize what had just happened.

After a couple of minutes, Solvig suddenly felt weird and stopped for a moment, then she scanned around with her Super Senses, put on a devilish grin and sped off again.

*****

At that exact same moment, Cupid sat up, finding himself on a table for some strange reason. He looked around. Why was he at Rudi’s? He was talking with Solvig a moment ago…

Then he looked down. He was dressed in a pink toga, his feet were huge and sandal-clad, and he was pretty sure he could feel a pair of wings on his back.

“I’m me…” He said cautiously. Then he heard his voice.  _His_ voice. “I’m me! I’m not possessing Solvig again! I—”

And then it struck him. “ _Solvig!_ ”

Within moments, he was racing through the hallways of the PPC towards his RC. “Pleasebeokaypleasebeokaypleasebeokaypleasebeokay _pleasebeokay_ …”

He’d skidded to a halt at a corner and was just about to make a turn when he was suddenly glomped by a black and red blur. “GYAAAAAH!”

He was quickly silenced by a sudden long kiss.

The angel’s reaction, of course, was one of total shock, but a moment later he started trying to push her away from him. For Palutena’s sake, he already had a girlfriend!

As soon as the redhead stopped the kiss, she started saying, “Attack... me… With yo-ur… weapons… can’t c-c-con-trol…. my-self…”

Cupid realized what was about to happen. “Take me back to RC #333. Hurry!” He reached into his bag, pulled out his bow, and pressed the tip against her throat. “Oh, and if you touch me in a place I don’t want, you’ll be answering to Lady Palutena. Got it?”

Before the angel could react, she grabbed his arm and twisted it until he cried out in pain. “Make me, hand—”

At that moment, a green energy blast struck Solvig on the back, sending her to a nearby Generic Wall. Then a male voice suddenly said, “Activate.”

Solvig’s bracelet started humming with energy again, as she turned to face her assailant. “Wha— Who’re you?”

The response came from a brown-haired man with blue-tinted glasses, dressed in something that looked fresh from a S.W.A.T. armory, with no flashpatch to be seen. “Not important right now.”

Before either of them could respond, the man shot three darts at Solvig with an air rifle. A moment later, the Kryptonian fell to the ground.

He then turned to Cupid. “How are you champ?”

Cupid wiped his brow. “Well, my arm hurts… and I almost got molested and torn apart by a superhero… But otherwise, I’m fine. Thanks, uh… Can I repeat Solvig’s question? Who  _are_ you?”

“Oh right, sorry.” He extended his hand. “Agent Wilhelm Winters, Department of Internal Affairs, Special Response Division.”

Cupid eagerly shook said hand. “Agent Cupid Carmine, Department of Implausible Crossovers. Nice to meet you, too.” Then he paused. “Uh… Is she going to be okay? I was going to go back to my RC and get her some of that stuff myself…”

“Nice to meet you too, Agent Carmine. Don’t worry, I put in her enough anesthetic to fell a horse, and the third dart was rapid-action Anti-Lustin, so she won’t be—” Solvig groaned and started standing up “— or she might be back on right now…”

The redhead shook her head. “Oh Rao, my heeead.” She then noticed the DIA Agent. “Wait, I know you… You’re that guy we rescued in our first mission.”

Agent Winters lowered his weapon. “Told ya she would be fine. Hello Agent, long time no see!”

Solvig starting hopping towards him in her enthusiasm. “Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Look at you! You’re now a DIA Agent, all great, and stuff! And… and… and…” She turned to Cupid and her smile vanished. “Oh, Cupid…”

“You’re fine.” He flexed his arm, feeling the joint crick, and let out a relieved sigh. “I wasn’t exactly prepared, that’s all.” Then he turned to Winters. “Sarah told me about you. You’re a replacement of that one Super who got resurrected, right? Gazerboom or something?”

“Hey Cupid,” Solvig tapped him on his shoulder.

“Hm?”

She put a small smile, and… then punched him on the face. “This was your  _fault_!”

“Woah, miss,” the Super intervened. “Take it easy.”

Cupid rubbed the knuckle marks on his cheek, looking totally bewildered. “What was  _that_ for?!”

“Now you’re asking Mister  _I-drank-one-month-of-Anti-Lustin-in-one-day_!?”

“Two days, Solvig. Two days. And I’m sorry. And I totally deserved that.”

The Super raised his eyebrow at the scene. “Well, all I could say is that I’m not even mad at that feat, I’m impressed. I didn’t knew someone could  _survive_ that amount of Anti-Lustin.”

“What can I say? I once chugged six bottles of Bleeprum in five minutes. Angels simply can’t die of chemical overdose. Uh, no offense, Solvig.”

Solvig started grinning and then laughing. “But you should have  _seen_ his face when he was high as a kite on it!”

Cupid looked at her, chewing his bottom lip, and then collapsed into laughter himself.

“So, kids...” The Super clapped his hands. “Now we are all friends again, who wants to go for a soda at Rudi’s?”

“Aw, not there  _again!_ ” Cupid mock-groaned.

“I wanna go!” Solvig said sticking her hand up. “I need to wash down this Anti-Lustin aftertaste I have in my throat thanks to him.” She punctuated this by sticking her tongue out at Cupid.

The angel laughed and then shrugged. “Well, if you insist! Though I think I’ll order something non-alcoholic this time. I wanna be able to speak coherently — and believe me, it looks like we’ve got a  _lot_ to talk about.”

*****

_A few hours later, at DoSAT:T &A..._

Sarah stepped into the Danger Room lobby, content to have her body back to herself. She was somewhat skeptical about what Shui-Hua was planning for her, but she decided to take what she could get.

“Um… Hi?”

“Oh, hello!” Shui-Hua said, sticking out from under a desk with her fire-lizard on her shoulder, startling Sarah. “Oh Squall, I was expecting you. In fact, I was programming the entire schedule of the day for you. You know, to make up for your missing training days.”

“Huh? Oh, those! Well… Being body-swapped with a  _Deinonychus_ may have had something to do with those… uh… training days.” Sarah laughed. “But I’m here now, and that’s what counts!”

“Okay,” she said opening the blast door of the chamber. “Go in and wait a moment while I go to the control room.”

Sarah obeyed, half expecting either a giant runaway jet turbine or a pack of  _Velociraptor_ s to start bearing down on her any second. Granted, they’d probably be made of Hard Light, but still…

The door closed behind her with a whirring sound, making her shudder. A few moments later, Shui-Hua’s voice was heard on the loudspeakers in the chamber. “So, Squall, are you ready?”

She gulped and then steeled herself. It was too late to back out now. “When you are!”

The shield generators started humming, covering the walls with a blue-purplish hue.

“Maximum difficulty. Engaged”

“Safety protocols. Enabled”

Then the Hard Light generators powered up, creating a green wire mesh, creating a man dressed in blue, red and white, holding a round shield with the same colors, who fell down on the classical superhero landing in front of Sarah.

“CPE-616.exe loaded. ‘Steve Rogers, Captain America’ simulation initiated.”

Sarah gaped at the figure, and then looked towards the door. “Sweet merciful Tony Stark…”

The construct stood up and took on a battle stance. Just as Sarah had finished processing what was going on (including making a mental note to thank Shui-Hua after she was done), said construct put its shield in front and charged towards her.

The Super grinned, assumed her battle stance as well, and punched her palm. “This is gonna be fun!”


	9. Red-Handed and Blue-Haired

**Red-Handed and Blue-Haired**

_NOTE: This ficlet takes place immediately after “[Child’s Play](https://docs.google.com/document/d/17ewCNp6y9PP_E1rIbHdhNiRSwShmuK9wgsxj5yU-C2I/edit?usp=sharing)”._

_June 1st, 2016…_

Lapis raced through the hallways of HQ, not caring where she was going. She’d left the Nursery far behind, and would probably make it to FicPsych in five minutes. She’d be able to talk to Nurse Chan there, right?

Binary, clipped to her belt, remained silent for once. There really was no need to say anything about what had just happened, for as far as he was concerned, it spoke for itself.

Lapis kept running, her eyes closed, streams of tears trailing from the corners. She had to find refuge, she had to find her old friends, she had to—

Then suddenly a black and red blur stopped directly in her path, revealing itself to be a blue-eyed, auburn-haired girl. The smaller agent shrieked and tried to skid to a halt, but ended up slamming into the redhead regardless, and ended up sprawling on the floor.

“Lapis, stop right there. What did you  _think_ you were doing?”

The wind had been knocked out of the poor blunette, who for all she knew had just collided with a brick wall. Thank heavens anime characters were durable. She strained to get up, but only managed to get on her hands and knees and look up at the person standing before her.

“S— _Solvig?!_ ”

“ _Yes!_ ” The redhead replied. “Who were you expecting?  _Santa Claus!?_ ”

<<Ohhhhh snap,>> said Binary.

“What are you  _doing_ here?” cried Lapis. “I have to talk to Nurse Chan, so just get out of my way already!”

“For what!? To tell her you threw all her lessons down the drain?”

Lapis’ blue eyes widened. “H-how did you—”

The redhead pointed at her ears. “Super Hearing. I heard the entire thing that happened a moment ago.”

Lapis scooted back, the top of her head turning a slight shade of blue. “Y-you — I — W-what are you—”

She crossed her arms and started levitating. “An _alien_. And you haven’t answered my question.”

Lapis turned pale. “I wasn’t gonna tell that to N-Nurse Chan… Aiko made me so angry and I… I…”

<<Lashed out at her like a whiny, immature little brat,>> finished Binary. <<Solvig’s right. Have you ever  _listened_ to yourself while you talk?! Have you ever asked Aiko about her feelings on this entire debacle?>>

“W-well, whenever I asked, she—”

Solvig suddenly scoffed. “So, you weren’t thinking  _at all_?”

<<Of  _course_ she didn’t ,>> Binary snapped. <<Think about it. Lapis is incredibly focused when it comes to the things she cares about the most. But when she puts herself into something, even  _reason_ won’t—>>

“Quiet, machine! Or when I’m done with you, there’ll be nothing left to repair.”

The C-CAD registered an OOC reading of 32% and rising, and took that as the cue to shut himself off. Immediately.

And Lapis realized at that moment that she was very,  _very_ screwed.

“Solvig… I… I’m s-sorry…” She started sobbing, tears trickling down her cheeks. “I don’t know what got over me, I—”

“You know, it’s far easier to be smart and pretend you’re dumb than it is to be dumb and pretend to be smart… And I’m fed up with pretending. No more pretending to be a ditzy airhead… What the  _fuck_ did you think was going to happen!?”

Lapis cringed. “That wasn’t — I —” Then she sighed. “Yes, it  _was_. It was me being stupid. I did get in way over my head, and I caused so much trouble for absolutely  _nothing._ ”

“Well, at least you aren’t completely blind… Look at me, Lapis, I look like a teen, right?”

“Of  _course_ you — Wait. What are you talking about? Sarah said you were a Kryptonian, and—”

“Well I am  _not_ a teen! I’m  _twenty-seven_! I decided to stay a teen because I thought it would be fun. But whenever you, Sarah, Cupid, and, hell I won’t pretend I’m perfect, even  _me_... whenever any of us do something stupid, I question if that was the right decision! And I start thinking if... if maturing would be the wisest choice.”

Lapis thought about it for a moment and then sighed. “Well, here’s the thing. I did all that out of anger and resentment. It’s not like I was being reasonable at the time…”

“That doesn’t excuse you! Just think of what your whatever parental figures are would say about it!”

Lapis looked down at her feet. “What would  _Nick_ say about it?”

“How would I know!? The first ten years of my life were spent in a lab tube, the next five being a superhero twenty-four-seven, and the next ten floating in the Bleed!”

Lapis stared at the Kryptonian, her eyes wide. Then she stood up shakily, and staggered towards the nearest wall, leaning against it. “H-hold up. You’re telling me you never had a childhood, or teenage years?!”

“No! Why’d you think I was so eager to stay a teen and make friends?”

Lapis looked down at her feet, tearing up yet again. “I… I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry to hear it… Is that why you wanted to talk to me when we first m-met… In th-the…?” She covered her eyes and began sobbing once more.

“Well I do know what to say,” Solvig said, turning her back to Lapis. “Friends and being a teen are overrated. Don’t bother looking for Nurse Chan. She took the day off, she’s out in New Caledonia.” And with that, the Kryptonian flew away at super-speed.

Lapis stared after Solvig for several long moments. Then the C-CAD on her belt turned itself on again.

<<You owe everyone you’ve shat on an apology and _then_ some,>> Binary said with a low and tranquil tone of unbridled fury. It was quite clear that even while he had deactivated, he had been listening to the entire conversation. <<I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to repair your relationship with Aiko, if there even  _was_ one in the first place, but you’ve blown your chance with Solvig now, and you only have yourself to blame.>>

“I-I know,” Lapis mumbled, wiping her face. “But they don’t want to talk—”

<<Because you’re so utterly unlikeable that  _nobody_ wants to even see your stupid face. How long is it going to take for you to realize  _that?_ >>

“That’s not true,” said Lapis. “I have Rayner and E.V.L., and my partners. At least they like m—”

<<Correction. They can at least  _tolerate_ your BS,>> replied Binary. <<I can’t, and I  _won’t_. Regardless of what anybody has to say, be it Nurse Chan, Solvig, or  _me_ for Ansem’s sake, this is something  _you_ have to fix, not anybody else. Oh, and Lapis? Take me back to Rayner. Right now.>>

“W-why?”

<<Butterfingers is gonna want to hear of this. And I’m willing to bet he’ll have a few choice words for you once he does.>>

Lapis looked down at the C-CAD and sighed, as though in acknowledgement of her imminent demise. “Whatever you say, Binary.”


	10. RC #227 Interlude #5: Illogic Bomb

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ripper’s astounding intellect finally meets its match.

  * **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. All continua mentioned belong to their respective owners, and all agents and characters featured belong to me.
  * **Betas:** The Triumvirate and eatpraylove.
  * **Content Advisory:** Reader discretion is advised due to mentions/implications of violence, blood, and character death.



 

_It wasn’t often that Dr. Henry Wu received a break from his research, let alone time to reflect on the extent of it. A lot of progress had been made, sure, but the work his team had been conducting was nothing short of groundbreaking. A revolution in the scientific and entertainment industries was well within their reach — he and his manager could practically sense it._

_And yet, something seemed…_ off _about this new project. Hammond had intended on creating a tourist attraction, and of course he was going to deliver. It wasn’t like InGen, however, to accept funding from a company that seemed, on the surface, to have very little to do with genetic engineering. Yet they had technology, and technology was what InGen needed. So the company had signed a collaborative agreement without so much as a word of protest from some of the more… “traditionalist” employees. Hammond, surprisingly, had been one of those traditionalists, mostly due to talks of weaponizing the dinosaurs under his supervision. “They’re_ animals _, not war machines,” he’d insisted._

_Wu decided not to think of it, though. The company was making quite a bit of headway since the collaboration had taken effect, though how the other company — whose name he could never remember and didn’t seem to appear on any paperwork — had acquired the equipment and developments to help move the project forward was a mystery for the ages. What was certain was that the park was making up for a lot of lost ground now, and with only a few years before the grand opening, it would need all the help it could get._

_Right now, Wu was monitoring the artificial nests that were part of his personal pet project, something that Hammond had shown understandable concern over but hadn’t tried to stop. Yet. Palaeontologists had only recently discovered the ferocious prehistoric animal that was being cloned in this very laboratory, a beast with claws as long as a person’s hand and an intelligence which, for all he knew, could match the brainiest animals alive today. And the nest a mere five feet from him contained a dozen of them, waiting to hatch, waiting to spring forth and make the world tremble._

_Had he been more attentive, the scientist would have noticed that one egg in that nest was a slightly different color than the rest. The creatures in every other egg had, up to this point, been grown in labs that were InGen’s exclusive property. They were meant to be spectacles, no more, no less. The_ Velociraptor _s_ _known from the Asian fossil beds were only half the size that these specimens would reach once fully grown, and that was only the first of the differences between the ancient species and the manufactured facsimiles. The public, Hammond had said, wanted monsters, not animals. Dinosaurs were always thought to have been scaly, fearsome creatures, and even if science was now stating otherwise, satisfying the public was the quickest way to a windfall for the company. And in that respect, the park was certainly going to deliver._

_The slightly discolored egg started to shake, just slightly. A faint cheeping noise, like a baby bird calling for its mother, began emanating from inside it, which got Wu’s attention. The mechanical arm used to turn the eggs immediately swooped down and gently rotated the egg to where the hatchling could emerge without disturbing the others. Wu moved quietly towards the nest with similar intent. He had always enjoyed watching the dinosaur eggs hatch. Even baby raptors, as terrifying as they could become later in life, were cause for admiration and possibly some cooing.. Cruel as they’d become once they reached adulthood, their bright-eyed innocence was something he’d sorely missed ever since he’d taken the job as the park’s head researcher._

_The shell started to crack, the fracture growing wider and wider until the tiny head popped through. Slowly but surely, the little creature crawled out and opened its large eyes for the first time. Wu held out his hands for the hatchling; they weren’t particularly big, but it was small enough that it could fit in both his palms regardless._

_The little dinosaur stood up, displaying surprising vitality for a newborn. Its birdlike legs were still shaky, but it reared back with equally unexpected confidence and, with a short bound, leaped into his arms, chirruping merrily. He could feel the albumen still dripping from its down feathers, but he could always dry them off after—_

_Wait._ Feathers?!

_He stared down at the hatchling, and it stared back up at him. For the first time, Wu now had a close-up view of the infant. Its damp plumage looked more like the fur of a wet cat than anything else, and its arms were more like plucked chicken wings than the gangly taloned graspers sported by the usual specimens. And most importantly, those piercing yellow eyes, staring up at him beseechingly, did not belong to any mere animal._

_In any other situation, Wu would have been astounded, thrilled even. Dinosaurs with_ feathers _? This would be a revolution in the scientific world! As it was, though, Wu was now trying to calculate how his scientists could have both produced a single feathered raptor in a clutch of scaly ones, and not realized it until long after the fact. Every previous hatchling had looked almost the same, with only slight differences in color, tooth alignment, posture, etc. None of the labs could’ve broken tradition this much, with a single specimen, without anybody noticing or filing a complaint._

_Carefully setting the baby down where its egg had been earlier, Wu went over to the bin where all traces of broken eggs had been discarded by the hatchery machine. After a moment’s squinting, he found the discolored shell, resting atop pieces of other eggs like a cherry on a sundae. Picking it up, he turned it carefully in his arms, inspecting it for traces of anything unusual — and then he spotted it. A less discerning eye would’ve missed it, but in the strong light of the lab, at just the right angle, Wu finally discovered the faint logo, belonging to the company that InGen had agreed to collaborate with, stamped upon its surface._

_Of the many words that went through his head at that precise moment, only two were family-friendly._

Oh, **no**.

 

**********

 

“Another,” Velociripper said to the Rudi’s bartender, nudging the empty drinking bowl forward with his snout.

The bartender let out a dry chuckle. “Lemme guess, the Jurassic Pond Scum again?”

The _Deinonychus_ floater cocked his head at him, his eyes blinking sideways in their typical avian fashion. “And you know that because…?”

“You ordered that mix the last five times. I have to wonder what got into you lately.”

“I have not ingested anything suspicious, in case you were wondering.”

The bartender sighed with a half-lidded smirk. “Technically, you’re ingesting a suspicious something _now_. I didn’t think you’d be the kind to drink anything alcoholic until recently.”

Ripper snorted a little. “I don’t think this will be a permanent habit, actually. I simply haven’t been in the correct state of mind for hunting ever since that Owen Grady imposter crippled me a while ago. Perhaps once my problems cease, so will my taste for fermented algae. If this ‘mix’ contains it, that is.”

“Yeah, keep telling yourself that.” The bartender rolled his eyes, snorting a little, but refilled the bowl anyway. “I get that from Mr. Carmine way too many times to count.”

Ripper looked down at the greenish fluid in his bowl, his nostrils flaring a little. “I suppose I will indeed continue doing so. I honestly cannot believe I’m doing this with my existence now — not just the consumption of questionable substances but also… well… not being an alpha superpredator.”

He lowered his head to take the first gulp, only to notice that there was another face reflected in the drink. A bald-except-for-a-cranial-mane _primate’s_ face.

“Make it a double,” said the rainbow-haired human who, apparently, had just taken a seat next to Ripper.

The raptor in question let out a hiss of surprise, the feathers on the back of his head rising slightly. Then he sighed and muttered, “So much for spending the evening in an internalized recess of solitary self-pity.”

“ _Gesundheit_ ,” replied the man. “You must be Velociripper, _ja_? Falco’s current partner?”

Ripper glanced helplessly at the bartender, who simply shrugged and replied, “I think I’ll get the standard glass for this guy.”

“I don’t envision Falchion as a partner so much as a packmate and an unofficial sibling,” replied Ripper. “We share an author, and I owe him my life, which he spared twice since we met.”

“ _Ja,_ he told me all about that,” said the rainbow-haired man, offering a hand to shake. “Rayner Blitzkrieg, DMS. It’s nice to finally meetcha in person! Well… sorta.”

Ripper didn’t return the gesture. “I actually feel less than eager to return that sentiment. Even if I no longer wish to subjugate the planet, I have yet to place my complete faith in your kin for its ecological future. No offense, of course.”

Rayner scowled a little regardless. “Dude. Look. I’m not one of _those_ chumps turning the World One atmosphere into a bazillion-mile-wide gas chamber. The skies above Equestria are a _lot_ easier to breathe in, spank’ya very much. And let’s not get into all that freaky weather that’s been wreckin’ the tropics lately…”

Ripper looked at him, his head tilted. “ _My Little Pony_?”

“A humanized, genderbent AU, actually. Looooong story. But still, It’s a heckuva lot less unpleasant than your world, all things considered.”

Rayner absentmindedly picked up the mug the bartender had handed him and took a swig… before proceeding to spray the contents of his mouth all over the counter. “BLECHHH! EWWW, WHAT _IS_ THIS DRECK?!”

“You said you wanted the Jurassic Pond Scum,” replied the bartender, who had wisely stepped out of range beforehand. “I gave you what you’d requested.”

“I only said to _make it a buckin’ double!_ ” Rayner nearly shouted. Ripper pulled his head back in alarm, having just noticed that the rainbow-haired man had a mouth full of pointy wolf-like fangs. “You didn’t hafta take it so literally! Seriously, what’s _in_ this mug, goldfish water and peat moss?!”

“An aqueous mixture of fermented spirulina, actually,” replied Ripper, secretly wondering whether biting Rayner’s face off would be a good idea in public. “I asked the bartender if it was possible to obtain actual Cretaceous swamp water, but we agreed that it would be a bad idea in light of ‘A Sound of Thunder’. The Ray Bradbury short story, not that dreadful 2005 film nobody cares about.”

That didn’t convince Rayner one bit. He held the mug as far away from him as possible, but just before he could dump the contents onto the floor, Ripper leaned his head toward him and uttered a very low snarl:

“ _Not. In front. Of the bartender._ ”

One look at all those serrated teeth was enough to change Rayner’s mind. He sheepishly set the mug back on the counter and pushed it towards a less than comfortable bartender. “I-I think I’ll just have this exchanged for a cider, then… Sweet Apple Acres style, of course, with just a _liiiiiiittle_ bit o’ happy hour.”

The bartender gave Rayner a look of mild disapproval, but took the mug anyway.

Ripper turned back to his own bowl again, and idly scooped up a bit of the algal solution into his mouth. He wasn’t sure what to think of this strange creature and his customs, but then again he could say the same for virtually every human he’d met. It was little wonder that he’d chosen his dromaeosaur form as his default look.

“Aaaaanyway, what about you?” asked Rayner. “Where are you from, some kinda lost world at the center of the Earth?”

Ripper tipped his head back and let the drink slide down his throat. “The earth’s core is believed to be primarily a solid ball with a radius of about 1,220 kilometers, composed primarily of an iron-nickel alloy, with a boundary temperature of approximately 5700 degrees Kelvin. There is no way a ‘lost world’ could even exist inside—”

“Psssh, spare me your fancy-prancy gobbledygook — I was talkin’ about that ol’ story by Jules Verne. Leave the egghead stuff to Twilight, please.”

“And leave the excessive chatter to my partner. I don’t wish to talk about my origin story—”

“—about how you and some kinda lame-o glitter-flavored pterodactyl-man-thing _somehow_ got picked to be cloned from a bazillion amber specimens that were _somehow_ obtained by Aperture Science, got set up to be used as attack animals in a nonsensical grand plot to wipe out all nonhuman life, and spent most if not all of a thirty-five-chapter, eleven-continuum load o’ horseapples tryin’ ta dice each other to urple confetti ‘cuz you _somehow_ happened to be old enemies way back in the Jurassic?”

“Cretaceous.”

“ _Gesundheit._ And before you ask how I know of all this, your ‘brother’ told me the whole. Freaking. Thing.” He shuddered from head to toe, leaning away from the raptor with an expression of alarm and, to Ripper’s mild satisfaction, just the faintest hint of disgust.

Said dinosaur looked away and let out a snort of disdain. “You’ve answered your own question — though I can say that Falchion actually didn’t tell you _everything._ ”

“Whaddya mean? Falco gave me like, _aaaaall_ the gory details for at least a half-hour! Granted, I kinda did fall asleep in the first ten minutes, twice, but once he got past the fetishes and the whole nonsensical plot with Donkey Kong Island and Supers being cloned by a company that doesn’t do genetics in canon…” Rayner curled up a little in his seat. “Luna’s mane, I’m never sleeping again.”

Ripper gulped down another mouthful of his drink. “You need sleep, though. All creatures do. And anyway, wasn’t it confirmed in a canon MLP episode that Rainbow Dash likes to dream about fighting?”

Rayner blinked. “You watch ponies, too?”

“No, but Falchion does.”

“Oh.”

“And incidentally, Falchion _also_ told me about your own origins as a key player in a semi-fic blip, intended as a genderbent, humanized retelling of a certain Legendary Badfic involving two particular pastel-colored equines. I half expected you to be more accustomed to—”

“If I tried to hold your jaws shut, could I trust you not to bite my hand off?” Rayner looked like he was mere moments from blowing a gasket.

“No. And as I was saying, how could you be traumatized by what you know of that eleven-continuum fiasco when you yourself would’ve been vivisected had your homefic been actually produced?”

Rayner made a gesture like he wanted to throttle the dinosaur, but stopped himself before he could get that far — Ripper _had_ made a valid point, after all. So the humanized pegasus forced himself to take a deep breath instead.

“Hey, I ain’t upset that your homefic ended up bein’ so needlessly gory. I’ve seen worse, trust me. But seriously, a dozen different universes in one ginormous nonsense game o’ Timeline Twister? A totally useless trip to Isla Sorna that did absolutely nothing except put everyone in danger? _Violet turning into a buckin’ T. rex?!_ Sweet Solaris, _how could your author have possibly messed up that badly?!_ ”

Ripper looked away. “In your parlance, touché. And honestly, I can’t answer that question myself.”

“I don’t think anyone can. I swear to the Princesses, Suethor logic never fails to astonish me. And traumatize me every once in awhile.”

Ripper didn’t respond to that. He instead looked down at his drink, perusing his own reflection, his mind wandering. Falchion had indeed told Rayner everything he knew, if this conversation was any indicator. But the key phrase was “everything he knew”. Unbeknownst to anyone else, Ripper himself had started remembering bits and pieces of his own history ever since the vets had given him medication to help deal with his injuries… and apparently, some of these memories made even less sense than what Falchion had described.

 

**********

 

_"Project Alpha? Com on, sweetie, its time for ur trial."_

_The redhead glanced nervously into the pen, which was surrounded with electric fences and filled with prehistoric-looking vegetation. She knew she was the wrong person for the job, and she had a family back at home, but there was nobody else who would dare approach the individual contained inside the enclosure. She still couldn’t tell what species they’d created or even if it had existed on Earth prior to the project’s inception, but she knew for a fact that whatever was in here, it was not something she’d wanted her company to create._

_Someone else joined her a moment later. She half expected it to be a member of the visiting committee, but when she turned around to look at him, she felt relief for the first time in days that it was, in fact, Dr. Wu._

_"How is she?" he asked, glancing from her to the pen._

_"I dunno. Nervus? Upset? I cant see her from up here, there's too much plants. And no way am I going in and gettng her outta there..."_

_Wu shook his head. "I know you're scared, Tanya. We all are. But she has to go through with this one way or another."_

_"But what do we do? We can't have somethin like the last time we brought her in! She could brake out and kill everyone. She would'v if they hadnt tranqilized her in time!" Tanya shuddered at the memory — it was amazing that the alpha hadn’t caused any fatalities, though the scientist herself had still come from the encounter with a long scar down her back, and could never look at peoples’ big toes the same way again._

_A noise made the pair look around. One of the staff members had just hooked a dead pig to the crane on the side of the enclosure, and several more were in the process of latching a large metal box onto the gate at the other end — the kind that had been used to load the_ Velociraptor _s into a very similar enclosure on another island not far from the one they were on. With a mechanical drone, the pig carcass was hoisted over the enclosure, blood dripping into the bushes below._

_"Are u sure this is the only way we can get her out?" asked Tanya._

_"I should've been the one to oversee this project from day one," replied Wu. "She doesn't have any positive association with anything like she should. Except of course for the crane..."_

_Said crane was now extending its boom so that the meat seemed to float over the enclosure, moving towards the sliding door on the roof of the containment box. Several staff members were already sliding the “sunroof” open, gesturing in a way that guided the meat into place._

_A rustling noise made Tanya look back towards the enclosure. Something was moving through the vegetation, as though it were following the meat on the crane hook. The moment the meat was unhooked and dropped into the containment box, the creature bolted. It raced through the open gate and fell upon the meat — only for both gates to slam shut behind it a moment later, trapping it inside._

_There were screeches from within the pen, which sounded distressingly human. Tanya and Wu descended the staircase leading from the viewing platform and walked around the pen to join the others around the box._

_"I dont like this one bit," said Tanya. "The poor thing must be teriffied!"_

_"Which only reinforces the fact that I should've been the one in charge," said Wu, peering into the viewing slits on the side of the box. He shuddered at the sight. The creature inside glared back at him, her eyes changing color from red to gold and back every other second. "I can only hope she doesn't hate me for this."_

_"I can only hope they let me dope upon more laffing gas than usual tonight."_

_Wu glanced at her, at which she hastily added, "Don't ask!"_

_He decided not to. Instead, he turned back to the creature inside, his expression betraying concern._

_"Alright, time to move out," said the foreman. "Everyone back up, we haven't got all day!"_

_"Wait," said Wu. "I just need one last look at the alpha. I need to reassure her before we start."_

_The foreman nodded. Wu returned his gaze to the viewing slot, and noticed now that the alpha was right up against the opposite side of the wall. His eyes met hers, and he would swear his heart melted just a little._

_"It's going to be okay," he said softly, placing a hand on the side of the box. "Don't worry, honey. We'll be done before you know it."_

_The glare, the_ unnatural _glare, seemed to bore into his soul for a split second. But then it softened, little by little. A few moments later, where Wu’s palm met the cold steel, he could almost feel the ten-year-old girl — his imprinted surrogate daughter — placing her own hand against the corresponding spot on the other side._

 

**********

 

“You _imprinted on Dr. Wu?!_ ” cried Rayner.

Ripper accidentally tipped his bowl and spilled a bit of his drink onto the table. “How did you know? I thought that information was strictly confidential.”

“I told him what little I knew while you were staring off into space for the past three minutes,” said the bartender, who was refilling Rayner’s cider mug. “I know you asked me not to tell anyone else after you explained yourself midway through your third bowl, but Mr. Blitzkrieg here was asking me too many questions for comfort. I had to break my deal with you to get him to shut up.”

“Hey!” said Rayner.

Ripper took a moment to digest this, looking from Rayner to the bartender and back. “In any other situation I’d try to kill you,” he said to Rayner. “So how come I don’t feel anything except a mild sense of relief?”

“I can’t tell ya myself, man,” replied Rayner. “If I told someone to keep something secret and then found that they told someone else, I’d react like Pinkie Pie did when she thought Applejack had broken her Pinkie Promise.”

Ripper cocked his head, curious, but decided not to ask anything. He didn’t have to, anyway.

“You _also_ didn’t tell me that you were a girl once,” said Rayner. “W-whoa, uh, not that I was gonna talk smack about that, heheh,” he added hastily, seeing Ripper’s ruffled feathers and bared teeth. “I kinda assumed you always were a guy dino, though…”

“Most people do,” said Ripper, relaxing slightly. “But when I was created, making every animal female was the standard policy to prevent wild breeding.”

“Didn’t the whole frog DNA thing lead to you fellas becomin’ dudes anyway? Oh wait, they filled your gaps with bird genes instead. But that means that you didn’t have… I… uh… _how?_ ”

“Frogs aren’t the only animals that can change genders in a same-sex environment — chickens can, too(1) — but that’s beside the point. If anything, it was probably my confusing origin which directly caused my… what’s the term you use, dysphoria? Yes, dysphoria.”

“Dysphoria?” Rayner raised an eyebrow.

Ripper looked down at his drink once more. “I honestly don’t know whether I was male or female in my original life, the one I recall from the Cretaceous thanks to that shoddy genetic memory gimmick. But I never asked to be hatched as a female, and my guess is that my author was trying to brand me as transgender to remain consistent with the _Jurassic Park_ canon.”

“Falco never told me that, though. I’m guessin’ he and everyone else thought you were a guy through and through. I don’t think even his author said anything about you havin’, uh… Oh geez, I’m gonna regret saying this… A vel—”

“ _Don’t_.” Ripper bared his teeth.

“Sorry.”

An uncomfortable silence hung over the agents. Then Rayner spoke up.

“For the record, the fact that I thought of you as a dude right off the bat is a preeeeeetty big point in your favor. I guess it means that I’ll _always_ think of ya as a dude, and so will everyone else. Based on Falco’s story, I don’t think even your author misgendered you. Besides, HQ is a really tolerant place. We’ll be okay with you comin’ out, because you are you, and that’s what matters.” He paused, before adding under his breath, “Wouldn’t Dr. Wu have felt the same way?”

Ripper shuddered from snout to tail, and then head-desked right onto his drinking bowl, the contents splashing all over the counter.

“Dr. Wu is _dead_ , Rayner.”

“Which goes back to what I was originally talkin’ about, _ja?_ ” Rayner ignored the bartender’s warning look, and continued. “Dr. Wu is a _horrible_ choice for a surrogate parent. You saw how he was in _Jurassic World_ , didja? He’s a scientist, not a zookeeper, let alone a father.”

Ripper didn’t look up from his drink. “When I saw that _Jurassic World_ had Dr. Wu play a role at all, I could not believe what I was seeing. I had seen his corpse, I’d avenged his death. It made no sense — could it really be that my backstory was just a collection of lies? Is that why my author never brought it up when he puppeteered me throughout my homefic?”

Rayner’s look was sympathetic, though the raptor’s voice was more than enough to temper his urge to pet him.

“Believe me, I thought the same way when I first landed in HQ,” Rayner said finally. “I learned not to think of it, though. It kinda helped that what I went through _after_ becomin’ an agent would make how my homefic would’ve been sound like cakewalk in comparison.” He salivated slightly at the word “cake”, but sobered up after a second. “Besides, I think what actually happened t’ ya and all those poor continua was much, _much_ worse…”

But Ripper was paying less and less attention to what Rayner was saying. His snout still dunked in the bowl, he was once again letting his mind wander more than he wanted, taking him back to the incident he had refused to think about until now…

 

**********

 

 _The alpha sat in the corner of her pen, the half-eaten pig carcass lying in the dirt in front of her. The testing session had gone off flawlessly, to the surprise of many. She responded to orders, held herself back when told to, and struck without mercy once given the go-ahead. She could distinguish friend from foe, engage in tool use and problem solving that would make most humans her age envious, and operate effectively in virtually any environment. Being outnumbered meant nothing to her, and neither did being outweighed — she took down an incoming bull_ Triceratops _, six tons of muscle and deadly horns with just a few scratches._

_She’d never felt so alive. Or so afraid._

_"If we had a squadron of soldiers as talented as this, no army in the world could stop us," the executive bidder had said to Tanya and Dr. Wu; the humans had been located in an observation balcony with a glass wall for safety purposes. "This new species has a bullet-carrying capacity on par with some of the finest tanks in the U.S. military. Just give them the firepower to match, and we'd be able to purge an entire continent of resistance in less than a year."_

_"She's just one specimen, though," Wu had replied. "Mass-producing creatures like her is not a good idea."_

_The bidder had scoffed at this. "You're misunderstanding our intent. We're trying to help your company move forward along with us — our payment can help complete the park in time for its opening, and your assets can help us with our own dealings."_

_"For the first and last time, we're selling_ media personalities _. We are biologists and entertainment moguls, not weapons brokers."_

_"And she’ll gain a lot of good press once the public hears about her heroics. It's a win-win situation."_

_Tanya had looked down at the alpha, splattered with dinosaur blood, who had been shoving bits of gore down her throat in a bloodthirsty frenzy at the time. "Not for her. Shed feel so betrayed. We've card for her so long, and now this?"_

_The bidder had let out a chuckle. "It'll be cared for. We promise."_

_"It? All the truble we went thru to impress you and you_ dare _refer to her as an_ it _?!" Tanya had started letting out an odor akin to rotten eggs — even the alpha herself could smell it from the testing grounds._

_The bidder had sneered. "Don't feel bad for that thing. It's not even close to human. It's a monster, and a monster is a growth industry if you know how to handle it."_

_It had taken six security guards and several dozen taser rounds to keep Tanya from flooding the balcony with hydrogen sulfide. She’d refused to speak to anyone for the rest of the day; the other staff members would swear they heard demented laughter coming from her office later that afternoon, along with the faintest odor of nitrous oxide._

_As for the alpha herself, she had taken to secluding herself as much as possible, in her humanoid form to avoid hurting anyone. Even so, she still wanted nothing at all to do with anyone else until she could assuage her worries. Were all of these bipedal hairless mammals like this? Selfish, unfeeling, and willing to destroy countless lives for their own betterment — with no excuse to back it up?_

_And why did these observations sound so familiar?_

_She decided that it was best not to think about that. The answers to these questions were probably things that she was never meant to know. She had a loving “father”, a decent nest, and a regular food supply. What was the worst that could happen?_

_No sooner had that thought gone through her head, however, when she heard a commotion coming from the other side of the enclosure. Shouts, gunshots, the sound of locks and electronics being smashed. She figured she wouldn’t have to worry about any of that — it was their problem, after all — until the gate at the end of the enclosure started sliding open._

Now _there was a reason to worry. Eight heavily armed soldiers filed into the raptor pen, their guns pointing every which way as they scanned the jungle environment inside._

 _"Remember, leave nothing alive," said the one at the front. "Nothing except_ it _. Either we leave with it, or we don't at all."_

_The alpha took a moment to realize that they were talking about her. A chill ran down her spine — they were here to take her far away, no doubt, and who knew what they would do with her once they’d done so? She had to hide. Hide and escape before they found her._

_The soldiers spread out a little, moving through the enclosure, attempting to sweep it front to back. There was no chance of getting by them unnoticed, and climbing the walls was suicide thanks to the electric fence. There was only one way out, and that was_ through _._

_There was a rustling noise from the bushes dead ahead. The soldiers pointed their guns, looking tense. Then the girl, dressed in nothing but a dirty, oversized blouse which concealed all her questionable spots, stepped out into the open._

_Her shapeshifting abilities were far from perfect, apparently. Her legs were double-jointed with scaly, taloned feet; one of her hands was three-fingered, with scarlet feathers sprouting from the index finger, and the other was human-like, but scaly, with long, curving claws. Her hair was short, not even reaching her shoulders, and interspersed with feathers. She still had her tail, long and semi-rigid with a feathery vane running down its sides, and it swished from side to side with apprehension as she stared down her aggressors with her slit-pupiled eyes, which were now flashing from gold to crimson and back._

_"Is it me you want?" she asked, her teeth pointed and serrated like a carnivorous dinosaur._

_"This is too easy," said one guard, pointing his gun straight at her chest. "Just shoot it and we're done!"_

_"No! We need it_ alive _," replied the leader. "Get the tranquilizers. If we bring it in while it's conscious we won't survive."_

_The alpha’s feathers ruffled in alarm. Teeth bared, claws poised, she backed up towards the back wall, crouched to spring._

_Then the drone of the crane made everyone look up. Two people, hanging onto the hook, descended into the pit._

_"Get away from her!" cried Dr. Wu._

_"What in the-" said one of the guards. The whole squadron now aimed their guns at Wu and Tanya._

_The newcomers dropped to the ground once they were at a safe height, and stood up to glare at the soldiers. A tense silence hung over the air for just a second._

_"Zuckerman, get the alpha to safety," said Wu. "Take her as far away from here as you can. Off the island if you have to. No matter what, she cannot be taken in by these men."_

_Tanya hugged the confused alpha, who started struggling in her grip. "Theyre not the same as the guy I nearly gassd, are they?"_

_"I don't know if they're from the same company. But the alpha cannot be used to kill innocent people."_

_"Where do I take her?" cried Tanya, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks._

_"Doesn't matter, as long as it's far away from here." Wu rolled up his sleeves. "Go! I'll hold them back while you still have-"_

_"Oh for Pete's sake," said the leader, his gun pointed right at Wu’s chest._

_The next few moments were a blur to the alpha, mostly consisting of flashes of light, screams, and the plants and walls being sprayed with scarlet. The commotion died down a few moments later, and Wu’s body fell backwards to the ground in a pool of his own blood._

_Tanya screamed at the top of her lungs._

_"DADDY!!!" the alpha wailed._

_"Alright, now where were we?" said the lead soldier, as though what he had just done had never happened. "Oh, right. Zuckerman, give it to us."_

_"NO!" Her voice was a mixture of fury and stark terror. "YOU CAN'T! YOU WONT!!!"_

_"Then we’ll just have to get rid of you as well," replied the soldier, pointing the gun at her head. "Say hi to your boyfriend for us, will ya?"_

_"NO! NO!! NOOOOO!!!" Tanya screamed._

_The alpha finally snapped. She bit down on the redhead’s arm, causing her to cry out in pain and let go of her. The moment she felt Tanya’s grip loosen, the girl turned and catapulted herself at the soldiers with an inhuman shriek of anguish and pure, unadulterated rage. She transformed in a crimson blur, mid-leap, feathers exploding all over her body, her sole article of clothing tearing away from her._

_The leader only had a half-second to register just how big his mistake had been before their target’s recurved teeth pierced his skull…_

 

**********

 

“Rips? _Rips!_ ” Rayner was waving his hand in front of Ripper’s face.

Snapping back to reality, the startled _Deinonychus_ reared his head back in alarm, teeth bared. “What in the—”

“You’re gettin’ bird poop all over your seat.” Rayner pointed down at the stool the dinosaur had been sitting on.

Ripper looked down as well and was dismayed to see the acrid white paste dripping off the edge of the cushion. His plumage visibly deflated. “Oh. Thank the sun I don’t need to wear anything in this form.”

“You’re gonna have to clean that up when you leave,” said the bartender, who was in the middle of refilling Ripper’s bowl.

“My apologies. It’s just… What happened next was that I, well… I…”

Rayner’s expression was oddly sullen. “You lost control, killed everyone in the enclosure with you, and started an epic quest for vengeance against humanity that ended with you getting eaten by a giant lizard?”

“H-how did you guess?”

“I just guessed. I didn’t know it was actually true, though.”

“The part with the mosasaur, yes. As for the part where I went on a murderous rampage… I’m sorry to say that it was true, as well.” He looked away from the other two. “I killed those men… I probably killed hundreds of others… I killed them all… All for the sake of a _lie_ …”

Rayner swallowed. For once, he didn’t know what to say at all.

“Humans are a disgusting, selfish, ignorant species,” Ripper continued, “but now I doubt even they deserved what I did. Nothing does. So many innocent lives were caught in all the chaos, and it was all because of _me…_ ”

Another uncomfortable silence hung over the group. Then Rayner spoke.

“If you have an apology at the ready, I’m all for accepting it on the behalf of my species, but I personally think that’ll do absolutely nothing. I know you made a few mistakes. Okay, okay, a _lot_ of ‘em. And I know you feel guilty about the consequences, and about letting your author stick his hand that far up your plot like you were that apple-buckin’ Lyra plushie — which is _totally_ a hand puppet, by the way — and parade you about as some kinda evil, axe-crazy prehistoric bird thingy with a grudge against humanity. But before you try to argue — or admit that it was true, I forget which — can I tell ya a little sob story of my own?”

Ripper barely looked at him. “Go on.”

Rayner took a deep breath. “Once upon a time, my boyfriend died. The end.”

Ripper’s nostrils flared. “That wasn’t—”

“Indeed, it _wasn’t_ ,” Rayner interjected. “I can’t say anything more specific on oath of confidentiality, but I _can_ say that ever since I lost him, I was overcome by the same feelings of grief and rage as you when you lost that fake Dr. Wu. Uh, no offense about the guy bein’ fake, by the way.”

“None taken. Yet.”

Rayner laughed in spite of himself. “Aaaaanyway, by all accounts, I shoulda gotten back to the Duty and moved on. I did the former, but the latter? …I actually kinda doubt that. Y’see, for a while after I recovered from what happened, I was all alone, with nobody else in my life except a clingy lil’ blue-haired girl and a whole lotta peeved an’ frustrated Flowers tryin’ to clean up a mess that could’ve been avoided completely if we hadn’t bucked up so bad. I could count the number of other people who didn’t hate my guts for what happened on one hand. I tried to cope by bein’ more intense with my work, and that spiraled into a hatred of everything with even the faintest scent of glitter. And that’s where my bloodlust curse comes in.”

He bared his pointed teeth. “In my homefic, or what could’ve been, the genderbent Pinkie Pie’s psychotic, carnivorous, bloodthirsty streak, fueled by repressed anger and fear, woulda led to my gruesome death at his hands. Before I escaped, a part of that mean streak got on me without my knowledge. Even bein’ de-glittered couldn’t make it go away, and once I started bottling up all my suffering, there was no stoppin’ it. Long story short, I became the very monster I’d been trying so hard to avoid… until I met my newest partner.”

He sighed and looked down at his cider. “E.V.L. should never have been part of the PPC, and would’ve been destroyed completely if I hadn’t been so stupid. I tossed her straight into HQ, and was forced to work with her as a punishment. We even have a mental link so neither of us can get any dumb ideas the Flowers’ll have to clean up after. But that mental link’s given us more than just a means to annoy each other.”

He rubbed his head and groaned, as though nursing a migraine. “Turns out, if you’re in someone else’s head all the time, you’re bound to know everything about ‘im. _Everything_. And in my case, that included all my suppressed feelings of hate, grief, and to some extent, guilt. And y’know the greatest irony? The load o’ horseapples who hates me the most is also the one who understands me more than anyone else in HQ. And in turn, I was the only one who could sympathize with her for a time. It’s paved the way for both of us to start makin’ friends with other people in the PPC. I still have to take meds to avoid goin’ the way of Fliqpy at the smell of blood, but nowadays I don’t feel like I wanna murder everything even remotely Suvian anymore — because I can simply use E.V.L. as a mental punching bag when I get stressed.”

Ripper was about to respond when Rayner let out a gasp of pain and suddenly clutched his forehead with both hands.

“Are you alright?” asked Ripper.

“I’m fine, just… Migraine.” Rayner rubbed his temples. “E.V.L. wants to say that you should lay off the swamp water unless you wanna paint the whole bar white — and more importantly, that we both know enough about how you feel that we can say that you too can man up, so to speak, and outgrow your, uh, _questionable_ history.”

Ripper blinked slowly. “I don’t understand this,” he said. “Until I was brought to HQ, I thought that humans were physically incapable of empathy, and only agreed to join the PPC because I had seen firsthand what badfic could do. I thought that humans were inherently selfish, with each caring only for himself or herself and nobody else — let alone other species.”

“Well, you thought _dead_ wrong, man. And you’ve gotta understand that no matter what species, we’ve all got our regrets and doubts and losses in life. It’s really a question of whether we choose to let go of them and look forward, not back.”

“You cannot let go of a regret. It’s an abstract concept.”

Rayner burst out laughing. “That’s just an expression, ya dork!”

Ripper considered Rayner’s words for a few moments, and then did the unexpected: he nuzzled Rayner’s shoulder with his snout. “For once, my intelligence has failed me, for I can’t make sense of how you can be as understanding of others, human or otherwise, as you are. But for once, I can live with that. And yes, you can pet me now.”

Rayner smiled and stroked the back of the raptor’s neck. “What can I say? E.V.L. and I were badfic characters once too, _ja?_ Takes one to know one.”

“In times like this, you can say the most to someone simply by being willing to listen,” said the bartender, who was idly polishing the inside of a shot glass.

Ripper considered this for a moment. “I guess that goes both ways in our case,” he said finally. “And honestly, I really should stop thinking about these memories I’ve been dredging up. There really is no use trying to pick them apart, as you’d say.”

“If it’s any consolation, I’ve got no beef with you, man,” said Rayner. “Not the literal beef, no—” he noted Ripper’s slightly disappointed posture. “—I mean, well, no hard feelings, _ja_ ? You’re Falco’s brother after all, in a sense, and honestly, you’d do well to talk to him about all this, too. He’ll understand as much as I do, I’m sure. And hey, if his adventures _right now_ are an improvement over the stuff his previous incarnations did in the past, I’m sure what the future’s got set up for ya will be about twenty percent cooler than your backstory was… uh…”

“Cringeworthy?”

Rayner let out an embarrassed chuckle. “I was gonna say ‘completely, utterly, totally, absolutely, uncharacteristically, irrevocably, three-balloons-short-of-Pinkie-Pie’s-cutie-mark-ally _WHACKO_ ’... but eh, you worded it better than I ever could.”

If Ripper had a full set of facial muscles, he’d smile. “Thank you. I suppose if we both appreciate Falchion, appreciating each other will probably be the next step. Nonsensical backstories included.”

Rayner smiled himself, and then let out a _squee_ of joy. “Omigoshomigoshomigosh _omigosh!_ I’ve been given a stamp of approval by a freakin’ _dinosaur!_ This is the _best day EVER!_ ” He turned to the bartender. “Alrighty, hit me up with another cider. This calls for a celebratory drinking match!”

Ripper gawked at him. “I wasn’t planning on—”

“Oh c’mon, don’t you need something to take your mind offa that wangsty craziness you were just thinkin’ about? Besides, I’m based off _Rainbow Dash_. If my middle name wasn’t Bowerman, it’d totally be Competition!”

Ripper had to give him a razor-toothed grin. “Fair enough. In that case, we’ll see which species is better at holding their respective habitat-specific fermented liquid sustenance. Bartender? Another Pond Scum for the _Deinonychus_ , please.”

The bartender buried his face in his palms, unable to suppress a fit of helpless laughter. It was going to be a long evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) [True story.](https://www.livescience.com/13514-sex-change-chicken-gertie-hen-bertie-cockerel.html)


	11. RC #227 Interlude #6: Anthophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (n) The fear that somewhere, somehow, a Flower is judging you.

  * **Copyright Disclaimer:** The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia. The _Pokémon_ franchise (Falchion’s home continuum) belongs to Nintendo. Agents Falchion and Rashida Mafdetiti featured belong to me.
  * **Betas:** The Triumvirate and eatpraylove.



 

The inside of RC #227 was normally quite silent, which was quite odd once you got to know its inhabitants. Despite being known for her deafening roar and a tendency to use it when frustrated — a habit which both she and FicPsych were desperately trying to stamp out — the senior resident actually hadn’t had as many reasons to lash out as she’d used to ever since she’d joined the DF. Adding to that was that in light of her first prophecy, she was dedicating herself to her research more and more often whenever she wasn’t distracted by missions, and trying to talk to her while she had her muzzle buried in books and documents and the occasional database was generally not a good idea.

As for Falchion, it was true that he was prone to talking a little too much to people he was interacting with, but that was basically his means of trying to compensate for how _little_ he spoke when idle. Having so many vivid thoughts, feelings, memories, and conflicting histories in your head can do that to you. Besides, distracting him from his own wayward mind was simple enough: put him in front of a computer with Internet access and you pretty much had him hypnotized. Much to his partner’s annoyance, his habit of browsing the Internet, once started, was very difficult to stop.

He was currently in his human disguise, which made it much easier to use the keyboard. He was so absorbed in the Bulbapedia articles he had open that he didn’t notice that Rashida had entered the RC or come up behind him until she spoke.

“What are you doing?”

Falchion nearly jumped out of his chair. “N-nothing!”

He turned around to see a very angry-looking African woman standing a mere two feet away from him. He reached for the mouse, but she slapped his hand away, her Alexandrian Death Stare boring into him like twin laser-beams.

“You are not allowed to even touch the console anymore.” Her voice was ice-cold, which was somehow worse than her angry screaming.

“Wha — no!” Falchion looked rightly terrified. “I need it—”

“For what? For stuff like _that?_ ” She pointed at the console.

Falchion reached for the mouse again, but this time, his partner grabbed his wrist and held it fast.

“Listen to me, you stupid bird,” she growled. “The only reason I won’t smash the console _right the neik now_ is because we need it in case we get a mission, and I don’t want to have to waste precious time calling one of the technicians in to repair it. But if I have to get the Flowers to cut off Internet access on this device, then so be it.”

“Rosh, stop it! _Stop it!_ You need it, too—”

“I can manage just _fine_ without the Internet, thank you. I learned the arcane arts of knowledge-seeking from the Library of Alexandria itself. But _why_ in Ra’s secret name are you so goddamn obsessed with — no, _addicted_ to such useless things that won’t get you anywhere in your miserable nonexistent life?!”

Falchion looked outraged, but before he could say anything, his partner pulled him off his chair.

“Look at this,” she said, going to each tab he had open in turn. “Instead of trying to look for career opportunities within HQ, or preparing for the Duty, you’re watching Let’s Plays, nature documentaries, and _what in the gods’ secret names is that on second thought I don’t even want to know._ ” She closed the tab without a second thought.

Falchion had an expression of sheer terror on his face. “I was working!”

Rashida clicked back to the Bulbapedia page she’d caught him looking at and gave him a disgusted look. “I cannot understand why you dedicate _so much time_ to useless trivia like this, and so _little_ to keeping in touch with others in our department and beyond, for example.” She clicked on a link on the webpage, then a link on the page that came up, and a link on _that_ page. “See what I’m doing? You can do that all day without tiring on things nobody cares about. When it comes to games or cartoons or the biology of basically anything with fangs and claws and horns and wings and Ra knows what else, you can go down a rabbit hole so deep that you’ll be halfway to China within the hour. But when it comes to _actual work…_ ”

“It still counts as work if it’s relevant, um, doesn’t it?” asked Falchion.

“Ninety percent of the time, _it isn’t!_ ” She pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed. “This is _not_ going to look good on your annual performance review…”

Falchion snapped upright with a startled squawk.

Rashida glared at him. “Don’t tell me you lost a few IQ points because of what I just said. Or what you were doing before I said it.”

“Uh?”

She sighed a second time. “Falchion, Falchion, Falchion. You completely, woefully clueless pack of polished poultry. I half thought you’d take the time to plan ahead so this sort of _khara_ won’t happen, but knowing what I’m seeing on that console screen, it seems I literally cannot trust you to do that. At all.”

Falchion finally managed to find it in himself to speak coherently. “But I was _worki_ —”

“Don’t you _dare_ lie to me, you — _you_ — Ugh. Just. Look. Agents have to go through annual performance reviews, evaluated by the Flowers in order to determine their value as agent material. And I know what you’re going to say,” she replied upon noticing her partner’s mouth opening. “You live here. _I_ live here. There’s no way we can ever return to our home continua. But that doesn’t change anything. As a general rule, if an agent isn’t doing well with their job, their future missions are guaranteed to become much harder, even more so than if they’re actually up to scratch. You have proven yourself a disappointment to me on multiple occasions, and I believe the Flowers would say the same thing. Your habit of blatantly indulging in your addictions instead of actually preparing yourself for missions or administrative matters is all the proof I need of that.”

Falchion stood up, a shattered expression on his face, walked back to his nest, and flopped onto it face-down… before springing back to his feet with a startled yell. Thorns stuck out of various parts of his front, including a few on his face.

“Do you want me to claw you again?!” Rashida growled.

“Thorns! Sorry!” Falchion’s voice was a pained whimper.

“Then set your disguise so that your skin is still impenetrable next time. Ugh. Incompetent scum. Sometimes I wonder why I was ever partnered with you…”

Falchion leaned against the wall instead, idly pulling the thorns from his skin. A moment later, the inevitable question crossed his mind.

“What is the performance review about, anyway?”

Rashida had just closed all of Falchion’s non-work-related browsing tabs. She turned to Falchion and buried her face in her hands. “You don’t even know?”

“I’ve never been involved in one of those.”

“Oh. Hm. The last time the review period came around, you were only with us for three months. The Flowers normally give reviews to agents at the end of their first year or so, and annually after that, though it’s usually on a case-by-case basis.”

“So, like, some agents are reviewed over shorter periods?”

“In hindsight, I think they _should_ be. That way they’re less likely to get into trouble.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I got distracted, and—”

“You have no excuse, Falchion. And I think the Flowers will say the same.”

“Sorry.” He paused, a feeling of dread washing over him. “When _is_ my performance review, anyway?”

“Tomorrow.”

Falchion sat bolt upright, staring at Rashida. “ _Tomorrow?!_ ”

“ _That’s why I was so upset at you for fucking around with the console!_ ” Rashida banged her fist on the table, making her partner yelp in alarm. “I’ve been trying to groom you to look _actually competent_ , but between your habit of not focusing while on Duty and… well… what happened just now… You’re digging your own grave, and I won’t be responsible if the Hyacinth calls you out on that.”

He slid down to the floor, staring off into space with a terrified expression. “No. _No._ No no no no nonononono…”

“ _Yes_ , Falchion. You are going to be sent to Bad Slash if you don’t get your shit together, I can tell.”

Falchion choked back a sob. “I’m sorry. I am _so_ sorry. I won’t do it again—”

“Because I’m cutting you off from console access from now on, and that’s final,” Rashida growled. “You, Falchion, are _grounded_ until you _rust!_ ”

All the poor disguised Skarmory could do was moan in total despair.

 

A few hours and an apology dinner at Rudi’s later, Falchion, now in his Pokémon form, sat down in his nest — now without having to worry about getting poked — and tucked his head under his wing, feeling understandably miserable. Rashida had spent the dinner feeling first angry at her partner, then sorry for him. It hadn’t been until she’d calmed down halfway through that she was able to speak to him again, but the same couldn’t be said for the poor bird — he couldn’t look her in the eye all evening.

“Falchion?” Rashida approached the bramble patch as much as possible, trying not to get her clothing snagged in the thorns.

“Hmm?” Falchion didn’t look up from under his wing.

“Why is it that you do these things? No, I’m not mad at you anymore, but I _am_ concerned. This is not just your entertainment, it’s your _future._ ”

Falchion let out a warble of dismay. “ _My_ future? I don’t have any aside from being here and doing mission stuff. What else can I do?”

She glared at him for a moment. “Contribute to the Duty more actively, for a start. Reach out to people. Talk to others in HQ. Do more productive things than be some scum-of-the-earth loser who literally _has_ to dwell in his partner’s basement… Sorry. That came out very, very wrong.”

Falchion was mouthing “STOP IT” repeatedly with a look of panic on his face while Rashida was talking. He bit back a retort and composed himself before responding.

“To what end, though? It’s not like I’m going anywhere. I can’t simply ask to be transferred to another department and I don’t think I have any credentials that could get me into a higher-level position. My author is _horrible_ at admin-related anything, and being his persona I can’t help but feel the same way. I don’t want the Hyacinth to fire me, if that’s even possible. It’s like his hopelessness and anxiety have been channeled into me like I’m some kind of emotional vessel. It’s how I’ve been since the memories first started, and I don’t know if I can do anything about it.”

Rashida cringed slightly. Falchion had talked about that sort of feeling before, like someone else was filling in the void that was the inside of his head for him, dictating how he should talk, act, and feel. She wondered whether her author had been dealing with anger issues when they’d created her.

“So what’s keeping you _yourself_ from changing?” she asked, though even she felt slightly hollow. “If you know that you’re having problems, why aren’t you doing something about them?”

He shook his head. “I don’t think there’s anything I _can_ do, to be honest. My author’s the one who decides what I am. And the Flowers would probably prefer that I stay here in the DF rather than anywhere else, so it’s not like I’m going anywhere life-changing.”

Beat. “What on Earth made you think that?” Rashida asked, dumbfounded.

“The fact that they put you here?”

She scowled once more. “You dumbass, I was being rhetorical. And have you even _listened_ to everything I’ve told you up until now? I transferred to the DF on _my own volition_ . And I did so specifically to get away from all the _khara_ that had happened before then.”

“It didn’t help, though—”

“You’re _still_ not listening. _Yekhrib beitak…_ I say just _one_ word and then your mouth fills up with ten pieces of shit in response. Why can’t you just shut up and let my advice get into your thick skull for once?!”

Falchion looked guilty, and opened his beak to apologize, but one look from his partner shut him up at once.

“Look,” Rashida continued. “I understand that you feel like you aren’t moving forward. I feel the same way to some degree. But that doesn’t give you the excuse to just throw away your career like a hatchling. You’re an _adult_ , for Nut’s sake, and you should _act like one_.”

She turned her gaze downward, grumbling wordlessly to herself. Falchion decided at that point that now was a good time to speak up.

“Rosh… I know you kinda want me to develop my own sorta willpower. I’ve been trying – well, with you there’s no trying, but still. It’s just… It feels like whenever I’m with you, I’m deferring all responsibility to you, and that’s not a good thing.”

Rashida didn’t look at him. “Of _course_ it’s not a good thing. And I know what you want to tell me — that I have more experience than you do and a better handling of basically everything — but that’s actually not true. My backstory may have spanned a millennium or two, but from what I’ve found out, I myself was only written into existence less than four years ago. And as for mission-related knowledge, our first mission together was also _my_ first mission with the DF, so I don’t technically have more experience than you do.”

Falchion gaped at her. “You never told me you’ve only existed for _four_ years.”

“Creative history and in-universe history are not the same thing. But my point is that you’re not my subordinate, but my _equal_. That means that you bear half the accountability for this RC–”

“Technically a third, with first Sarah and—”

“ _Will you shut the neik up and listen to me?!_ ”

“Sorry.”

“I know we have a third wheel — and before you say that Ripper is like a brother to you, he’s still in his first-year orientation period and is only here because nobody else wants him! – but what matters the most is that you need to learn how to be a team player, a skill which you sorely lack. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Hyacinth calls you out on that tomorrow, because you have to get the hang of cooperation and mutual understanding in order to be an effective partner.”

Falchion shook his head. “I know I’m kinda the one at fault, but honestly, well… you haven’t been that understanding, either, so—”

Her angry glare cut him off. “I’ve tried to help you since we first started working together, but you’ve consistently ignored literally everything I’ve tried to say to you. You’ve only rarely tried to talk to me and haven’t opened up to me personally unless the Duty required it – and every single time you _have_ discussed your character issues was at my own insistence. You’ve never once reached out to anyone unless I suggested it.”

Falchion looked sullen, but again, said nothing.

“I can tell that the Hyacinth is going to be holding all of that against you,” Rashida continued. “Forgive me for being blunt, but you have problems. A lot of them. However — and hear me out on this, I _know_ you’re planning to talk back — that doesn’t mean you aren’t good at your job.”

“Are you talking about our first mission together? Y’know, the one with—”

Rashida pinched the bridge of her nose. “No, we were talking about that OFU Christmas party we attended that never happened because it made no logical sense. Of _course_ it was that first mission, are you deaf?!”

“I can hear just—”

“That was a rhetorical question. On second thought, you _are_ hopeless. But back then, when I blacked out due to sheer anger and horror and _cringe_ all at once… You didn’t just sit there and do nothing. You got me to Medical, and you took care of the rest of the mission yourself. That’s a willpower I never thought you’d be capable of. So why have you lost that willpower? Is it because you’ve been thinking of me as a superior rather than as an equal?”

Falchion considered this for a moment. “…Y-yes. Well, uh… I don’t know if this is a _good_ thing to say, but… the way you talk to me, it’s like… well, like you’re some kinda parent to me. Even if we’re on the same rank, well, to be fair, you’re a _lot_ older than I am…”

She looked down at herself. “I… I guess that explains it. I never thought of it that way, honestly. I wouldn’t know how to raise a child from their birth to this point, but you come pretty close—”

“My author is 22 as of this time,” said Falchion. “I can handle myself just fine if my being his persona is any indicator. But… well… I’m scared, okay?”

“You _should_ be. What would the Hyacinth say if she knew about your problems?”

“She probably already knows… Oh Arceus… I’ve been thinking about that all evening, ever since you told me about the whole thing with the performance review. What if I get reassigned for some stupidly petty reason? What if I’m told that I’ve done a terrible job over the past year?! Rashida… _I need reassurance_. I don’t wanna be thrown out the door for not being good at—”

To his surprise, he felt a hand gingerly stroking the back of his neck.

“You’re _not_ going to get fired. I don’t think they do that around here, not when there are people here with nowhere else to go. _You_ have nowhere else to go. Don’t be surprised if the Hyacinth asks you to shape up, but rest assured that you won’t be shown the door right away.” She withdrew her hand and looked away, snarling. “I did worse that time and _I_ didn’t get sacked…”

Falchion looked at her, puzzled, but decided not to push the subject for now. “I’m sorry, again. I’m sorry for not doing my job and for being so stupid. I can’t promise I won’t do it again, but…”

“We’ll have to wait for what the Hyacinth has to say. But she probably won’t be as hard on you as you might think. She’s handled people who’ve done worse than you, I can say that much.”

He smiled a little. “I hope that’s the case… Th-thanks, Rosh.”

She smiled just slightly at this. “Get some sleep, kid. I expect that she’ll review you first thing tomorrow.”

“Wait, what about you?”

“I’ve got some additional research to take care of before bed. I’ll be fine. Good night, Falchion.”

He shuddered a little at the thought of tomorrow morning, but tucked his head under his wing anyway. “Alright. G’nite, Rosh.”

 

**********

 

_The next day…_

 

_Agent Falchion, come inside. It’s time for your one-year review._

The Skarmory looked at his partner, a thrill of horror running down his spine. Both agents were standing outside the Hyacinth’s office, but for the sake of confidentiality, they each had to be evaluated individually. (Besides, the arguments that could ensue if the two of them were interviewed together would not be pleasant.)

Rashida nudged him gently, her expression stern but sympathetic. “Good luck, Falchion. I’m sure you’ll need it by now.”

Falchion nodded, took a deep breath, and then exhaled with a slight creaking noise. “Here goes nothing.”

He opened the door, and stepped through.

There was the Hyacinth, regarding him with a totally unreadable expression — though obviously that was due to lacking anything resembling a face. He could tell from the atmosphere in the office that she was less than pleased to see him.

_Sit down, Agent Falchion. We need to talk._

He did so. “W-what is it? What did I do?”

_Nothing in particular. You have been conforming to the Duty as far as I am aware. You have not caused trouble, you have sent mission reports on a timely basis, and overall you have not had any significant “incidents” — with a few exceptions here and there, but those were not your fault._

He looked down at the irregular line on his chest armor and shivered. The scar had been inflicted by a basilisk fang earlier in the summer, and even with the application of phoenix tears, it never went away.

_What is more troubling, however, is that your partner has been reporting a lot of incompatibility with you as of late._

Falchion’s eyes widened in horror. Had Rashida told the Hyacinth of all of her troubles with him without telling _him_ first?

“What about them?” he asked, trying to sound calm.

_I understand that Rashida herself has had problems. We’ve sent her to FicPsych for a few months, and we are working with her to help overcome her issues. However, I’m afraid your cooperation with Agent Velociripper has not been, if you’ll excuse the expression, up to scratch._

He looked down at his scar again, his heart sinking. “It’s because of the basilisk thing, isn’t it?”

_I cannot tell you whether or not that mission specifically has negatively affected our analysis of your performance. You did act bravely and in defense of multiple agents that day, but at the same time, charging headlong at a Suvian basilisk was a very dangerous act._

“W-wait, it’s not like that! I had n-no choice, that’s all! She would’ve killed my partners otherwise, I—”

_I am fully aware of that. It’s just that what happened confirms my suspicions that you have yet to learn what it means to plan ahead, perhaps because you are so reluctant to even act on the Duty in the first place. Which brings me to my next point._

_Based on evaluations of your behavior over the past year, we have enough reason to believe that your agent profile might need some revising. In particular, your Nature — in terms of_ Pokémon _game mechanics, not just your behavior — is in need of a second look._

“W-wha?! Oh nonono, I did _perfectly_ fine on the Duty…” Falchion looked like he was on the verge of a full-blown panic attack. “If there’s anything I’m doing wrong, I—”

_You haven’t done anything as flagrant as taking a flamethrower to one of the department heads — or filling my pool with soapsuds. But multiple accounts of your attitude have led me to conclude that your nature is not, as you stated in the paperwork, Impish._

Falchion’s heart sank. “W-what is it, then?”

_From your partner’s descriptions of occasional bouts of anxiety, hesitation to participate, and your instinctive shunning of responsibility until you absolutely have to take it up, your nature appears to be much closer to Careful. A second guess would be Naive, but Careful appears to be more accurate. Perhaps a little too much so._

He looked down at his feet. “Hyacinth, I’m so sorry—”

 _You have nothing to apologize for, and the best you can do is improve your behavior. In particular, you need to accept that sometimes, you_ have _to carry out your duties even if you’re concerned that things could go wrong. They often do. But that doesn’t make people afraid of going through with missions, or even dealing with administrative matters within Headquarters. This includes spending less time isolating yourself — especially while using technology that is_ needed _for more important matters like the delivery of mission reports._

Falchion gaped at the Flower. “Y-you mean—”

_Agent Mafdetiti has consistently complained to me about your habit of browsing the Internet when you’re supposed to be on Duty. I won’t go so far as to ban you from the console altogether, as she has proposed before, but I will not stand for time being wasted on the job, either. Now, granted, I’m not opposed to looking up fandoms and researching information ahead of time, but that applies only as long as these topics are relevant to the job. This goes for all agents, mind. I doubt the Sunflower Official would, for example, allow Whitney to spend hours watching Netflix web series when she’s supposed to be working, because they aren’t relevant to her department._

Falchion shook his head. “B-but, well, I’m part of the _Floaters_ department. I have to be flexible, and doesn’t that mean I have to be prepared for canon knowledge on _every form of entertainment media?_ ”

If the Hyacinth had a nose, she would’ve pinched the bridge of it then and there. _Social media websites like Tumblr or DeviantArt, particularly those with horrendously mismanaged communities and fandom minorities are not, to my knowledge, the best sources of canon knowledge, Agent Falchion._

His mouth fell open yet again. “Oh dear Arceus…”

 _I’m not saying that you shouldn’t browse those websites at all. We are after all becoming increasingly connected thanks to the Internet. But one, you shouldn’t_ while on Duty _, and two, the console probably isn’t the best choice for doing so. Agents of all stripes have personal laptops and now smartphones for this exact purpose._

“Rosh wouldn’t let me have one. She fears I’ll waste even more time on it—”

_But what if you need to connect to the Internet to look up a procedure on short notice? Where would you be without instant Internet access?_

“Up a creek with no paddle, I bet. And very, very bored.”

_Agent Falchion, your habit of addicting yourself to the Internet is something you need to resolve yourself if you want to continue working with us. But that doesn’t change the fact that everyone needs to keep abreast of the world around them — it could literally save someone’s life, and it probably has multiple times already. I’ll talk with your partner about getting you a smartphone for the Christmas holiday at the minimum, but only if you promise me that you will respect the great responsibility all of us in the PPC have, and adjust your behavior accordingly._

Falchion nodded fervently. “I promise. V-very much, I promise. And I’m sorry. Again.”

_Fair enough. With that being said, there are points of both commendation and condemnation based on your performance since you started work as an agent, as I have implied at the start of our conversation. Don’t worry about being removed from active duty just yet. There’s still a hidden aptitude that I believe can still be put to use, just with a push in the right direction._

He gulped. “Th-the good kind of push, uh, right?”

_I wouldn’t know. But if you want to know why I am saying this, I am referring to your very first mission. There were multiple accounts of your actions in the aftermath the grisly demise of that antagonistic replacement—_

“Oh, the death that got us put offline for two weeks?”

_Agent. Falchion._

He quailed at the tone of her thought-speak. “S-sorry!”

 _Allowing Not!Ludlow to die as he did_ was _a poor call, but the way you compensated for it — by organizing both the deaths of the remaining Suvians and the cleanup of a mega-crossover involving at least a dozen continua — is not something I have seen among most newbies. Additionally, you cared enough about your partner to have her brought into Medical almost as soon as she suffered heart failure in reaction to the aforementioned incident with Not!Ludlow. Throughout most of the mission, Agent Mafdetiti told me, you were having difficulties focusing, obeying orders, and in general keeping track of the fic — until the point where you were the only one who could do anything to resolve the situation._

Falchion let out a sigh of relief. “T-thank you, I—”

 _What disappoints me, Agent Falchion, is that such instances of competence have so far been the exception, not the rule. I want to see it be the other way around, as is the case for most other agents. I have to say that you are currently on very shaky ground at this point in time, and that you_ need _to make an effort to improve, for everyone’s sakes._

“Wait, _everyone_ ’s?”

_Your partner has been working with FicPsych and myself for a while now concerning a matter which I’m pretty sure she has told you about before this meeting: namely, her first prophecy. I understand that as her partner, you have every right to know about her work on it, especially because she believes that it concerns her whole team. As of now, I am putting you on the same project, and I expect both of you to report to me on a regular basis about your work deciphering the prophecy. We need to know that you are being productive and also that you are working to protect innocent lives, and continua, from an uncertain fate._

Falchion nodded fervently. “Thank you. I’ll—”

 _Please stop cutting me off, Agent Falchion. I am_ not _finished yet. In addition, as of now, I am taking charge-listing on missions largely out of the hands of Agent Mafdetiti, partly because I am giving that responsibility to you unless she is more familiar with the continuum you are observing than you are, and partly because I fear that putting her at the front of your team will be dangerous for her own mental health. I expect you to be in charge of the administrative aspects of missions from this point forward, particularly keeping track of the charges. This means that every mission report you send to me must now include a full charge list, compiled by yourself, of every problem you have encountered on the mission, writing-related or otherwise._

There was a long pause. Falchion tentatively raised a wing. “D-does this include recruits, then?”

 _Hypothetically. I strongly recommend allowing harmless original characters to assimilate into canon from this point on, though, and only recruiting them if there is no other choice_ and _if they are willing to join us as agents or faculty. I will say the same to Agent Mafdetiti, as she is equally guilty of this behavior._

Falchion nodded again. “Thank you. I will certainly be looking forward to it, so, uh, yeah…”

_See to it that you take more responsibility, Agent Falchion. That is a quality we are in desperate need of from our agents, and in a situation like your partner is going through, it is more than paramount. Be grateful, also, that I have not sent you to a different department in light of all this… I don’t know how comfortable you would be with Bad Slash, but I would prefer to see you succeed as a Floater for the time being._

He nodded again. “Thank you again, ma’am. I won’t let you down this time.”

 _You’d better not, for the good of us all. Now, I expect Agent Mafdetiti in my office for_ her _evaluation immediately, since I must relay what I have said in this conversation to her as soon as possible. She must play the role of the helper and supervisor to you, but you must take the initiative from here on. Do not forget the charge lists or the reports on your work with your partner. This is a critical time for both of you and I do not want you two to disappoint me. Am I clear, Agent Falchion?_

He nodded again. “Understood, ma’am.”

 

Falchion exited the office without much fanfare; Rashida went through the door before it even closed, leaving the Skarmory outside to contemplate what he had been told. His world felt like it had been turned upside-down, and yet it made much more sense now. A Careful nature would certainly be more helpful on the Duty, but he wasn’t sure that he was ready for the level of responsibility that the Hyacinth had given him. Rashida had told him time and again that his burst of aptitude near the end of his first mission had been just a one-time thing. Could he ever do it again? _Would_ he?

It was a long time before the door opened again, but when Rashida stepped out to meet him, her expression was rather unexpected. By all accounts, she should’ve looked like she was about to turn him to Shredded Tweet, as it were; she’d come very close to that after his first mission. But the look of her face was different. She couldn’t look him in the eye, but not out of shame, no. Judging from her posture, it seemed to be out of humiliation, guilt — and, to his surprise, a hint of fear.

“Did… D-did she tell you?” asked Falchion.

She nodded. “Let’s go. The sooner we get back, the better.”

They set off, using the flurries of thoughts running through their heads to distract themselves from the task of getting back to RC #227. Falchion had to struggle not to run ahead of his partner — his long legs gave him a pretty big step.

“You’re not, uh… You’re not _mad_ at me, are you, Rosh?” Falchion’s expression was apprehensive. “You looked kinda anxious when you—”

“No, I’m not upset. Not at you specifically. It’s just that, well… I was not expecting the Hyacinth to say that.”

He blinked. “Say what?”

“She asked me to defer all Duty-related responsibilities to you while on missions from this point forward. Her reason was that if I were put up front and I was responsible for the charge-list, I’m not convinced that I’d be able to handle the stress.”

“Ohhh. Tell me something I _don’t_ know,” Falchion muttered under his breath. “Ow. Sorry.”

Rashida had cuffed the back of his plated head. “On the one hand, I’m not confident in your ability to take up _that_ much authority just yet. I understand that you have one year of experience, but I’m older than you by quite a margin and have more experience dealing with critical matters. Don’t get me wrong, I _want_ you to be more responsible, but not to the point where you’ve basically taken over everything as far as the Duty is concerned.”

Falchion smiled meekly. “Yeah, but at the same time, well, I’ve been kinda thinking about the whole thing myself. It actually makes _so_ much sense, putting me in a sorta leadership position and all. I might have been underperforming because I’ve been simply following orders and, well, not coming up with independent decisions or problem-solving.”

“That’s what I was thinking too. Perhaps I didn’t consider the possibility because I keep looking at you and thinking that, well, you aren’t exactly someone I’d call a leader.”

“You mean I’m like what, a follower? Or a slave to my own apathy?”

She scowled at him. “Neither, just… incompetent. At least at your current level. But we both know you can improve, Falchion. The question is if you can improve _fast enough_.”

He shuddered a little. “Legendaries, I’d _better_.”

“And I hope you do. We have a lot to talk about, particularly concerning the prophecy the Hyacinth told you about. I’m bringing you on board for deciphering it, partly because the Hyacinth asked me to, and partly because I could use an extra pair of eyes when dealing with it. As soon as we step into the RC, my research will be your research, too.”

“Wait, wha? I mean, I know the Hyacinth told me about that too, but _whaaa?_ ”

“You heard me.” The corners of her lips turned up slightly. “You’re a damn good reader if I ever saw one, and I needed a person who can read between the lines to help me out. Who knew that my own partner would be exactly that person?”

He smiled broadly. “Gosh, I… I don’t know what to say. Thank you, Rosh. I was gonna ask you if I could do more, and, well, I guess I have my question answered. I-I guess.”

“You’re still not allowed to touch the console, though.”

“Aw, _maaaaan!_ ”


	12. Heart-To-Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Backslash gives his partner a surprise early Christmas present.

**Original Posting Date:**  December 24, 2017

 _[The PPC and all related property belong to Jay and Acacia._ Xenoblade Chronicles _,_ Pokémon _, and_ Wii Fit _(the home continua of the agents featured) all belong to Nintendo. Any other continua or characters mentioned belong to their respective owners. Agents Backslash and Whitney belong to me. Special thanks to eatpraylove for beta reading!]_

 

**Heart-To-Heart**

_December 24, 2017…_

It was one of those evenings when Whitney regretted the fact that response centers don’t have windows. She didn’t want to admit it, but she honestly missed being outside almost all the time — the Courtyard and missions excepting. Then again, it was hard to find anyone who didn’t share that sentiment, which is probably why the Courtyard existed in the first place. Aside from housing Alice’s herd, of course.

In fact, she was at the Courtyard right now, sitting on her yoga mat, meditating in full winter gear. It may have been particularly cold this evening,, but she was in no way going to miss her daily session.

Ordinarily, she’d be content just to be by herself, letting her mind empty of all of her worries. But ever since last year, things had started to change. Try as she might, she just wasn’t feeling as peaceful as she’d once been, and even after many days of introspection, she just couldn’t figure out why…

Her musing was interrupted by the sound of a second yoga mat being unfolded to the right of her own. This was followed by a series of struggling and grunting noises that sounded all too familiar to her — and were much too close to be ignored.

“Just how do you _do_ the lotus position?!” her blond partner grumbled, struggling to flex his legs in just the right way. “It’s hard enough as it is, but in _full winter gear?_ ”

“Years of practice,” Whitney replied, shrugging a little. “And perhaps a bit of natural flexibility to boot.”

A few more fruitless attempts later, Backslash finally gave up, and settled for sitting cross-legged on the mat. Unlike his partner, he hadn’t changed for the winter so dramatically, literally the only differences being long pants instead of short ones and a pair of earmuffs.

“What are you doing here, exactly?” asked Whitney, her eyes still closed. “Not that I mind the company, but you do realize that this is my personal time, don’t you?”

“I understand that, yes. But I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a long while now and I didn’t want to be interrupted by the console or someone else.”

“I haven’t been avoiding you, Backslash, if that’s what you’re wondering. It’s just that your timing is giftedly terrible.”

“Heh, true.” He looked at her for a long while, struggling to think of what to say. Then he sighed. “I’m worried about you.”

She opened her right eye just slightly. “How come?”

“Well… Ever since last Christmas… You seem to have been, how do I word this… Troubled. Or something like that. When we first met, you were so calm and mild-mannered all the time, and it took a lot to get you really angry about anything. Which is perhaps a good thing, but still…”

Whitney closed her eyes a bit tighter. “I’ve been sorting out my anger issues with FicPsych for a good long while, if you want to know. You don’t have to worry about those, especially not on Duty.”

“I’m not talking about your terrifying psycho Sue-slayer side, though I’ve gotta give props to you for handling that,” he added with a chuckle. “But in general, I’ve noticed that you’ve been a bit less… confident as of late.”

She finally opened her eyes fully and looked at him, her expression slightly shocked. “What made you conclude that?”

Backslash just barely managed to avert her gaze by glancing at the horses in the distance. “Well… You seem to be out and about more often. Last I checked, you’ve been visiting FicPsych almost twice a week over the past few months. Before… what happened… you only went about twice a month.”

Whitney looked up at the gloomy sky overhead, peeking through the leafless branches of the tree they were under. “To be fair, last Christmas was a seriously chaotic time, and it’s been hard for all of us to cope. It’ll be a long while yet before I can ever recover completely. I guess this holiday season especially reminded me of what happened… oh, pretty much all the time.”

“But why haven’t you spoken with anyone else about it?” Backslash gave her his best Baby-Doll Eyes, his voice suddenly pleading. “You’ve kept silent with everyone except FicPsych. Whenever we talk with other people you just give a fake smile and say everything’s fine. Is it really? Or is there something you don’t want people to know—”

“ _Don’t._ ” Whitney met his eyes with her signature calm-before-the-storm tranquility. “ _I’m. Perfectly. Fine._ ”

He flinched at her almost mechanical tone. But what he said next shocked both of them even more.

“That’s exactly the same response _she_ would’ve given.”

Whitney stared off into space, the memories rushing back into her mind in a tortuous flood. Trying desperately to screen out the painfully obvious, she suddenly remembered her discussions with Falchion, as well as the first time she’d met his previous partner, and how much she’d reminded her of herself.

Her face fell. “I guess you’re right. I’m… I’m not okay.”

“Would now be a good time for me to preen over my argumentative victory?” Backslash smirked a little.

She responded by lightly cuffing the back of his head. “Not the time for jokes, sweetie. I’m having a moment.”

“Then why can’t you share it with me?”

That made her eyes widen. She slowly turned her head to look at him, for once at a loss for words.

“Look, Whitney,” Backslash continued. “I know we promised to be open to each other ever since we dealt with that _Kirby_ Sue a long while back. But I won’t stand for you breaking that promise just because you fear that spilling it all out to your own partner would compromise what’s left of your sanity. When I got myself in hot water with Cupid’s partners that one time, you were not only the first to know but also the one to guide me through the process of making it up to them. Heck, you were there to bail my stupid ass out on my _very first mission_.”

Whitney shrugged again. “I’m your instructor. It was only natural that I—”

“So what? You’ve always been there for me, whether I liked it or not.” He paused for dramatic effect. “So why can’t I be there for _you_?”

She stared at him, feeling a mixture of shock, anger, hurt, and guilt.

“Well?” he asked, his eyes narrowing.

The trainer finally looked away, focusing very intently on her crossed legs. “I… I used to be alone. I never knew any life other than that before you came along. I always was an independent woman, even before I came to the PPC. When you’re an NPC tutor in a fitness program, there’s not much you can do and very little room for interaction with anyone else. I guess that mentality carried over when I became an agent, especially because I wasn’t given a partner when I started out.”

“That…” Backslash blinked in surprise. “That’s something I’ve almost never heard of. I mean, I’m sure that sorta thing has been done before, but if you’re going to succeed as an agent, you _need_ people skills. I learned that the hard way. And so did Falchion.”

Whitney flinched. That name brought up the same memories that the mention of his old partner had, though not to the same extent due to her interactions with him since then. But she couldn’t talk to him now and not think of… of…

“If you’re going to establish a long-term career as an agent, Whitney, then you need to uphold our promise to be honest with each other the way Falchion and I’ve been doing,” said Backslash. “I know it’s been hard for you more than any of us, and I understand your instinctive drive to do things yourself and your way. But I won’t stand for being left out of your issues, especially not when I want to stay with you for the rest of our lives.”

Whitney looked at him again. “For the rest of our lives? I mean, I know we’ve been dating for at least a year now, but you’re not seriously—”

He pulled out a little box from his pocket, the Triforce emblazoned in gold upon its lid. “Whitney Fitzgerald, my partner and the love of my life…” He opened the box, revealing a golden ring with a round blue jewel. “Will you marry me?”

Her mouth fell open with an audible pop. “A… A blue ring…? From…”

“From the original _Legend of Zelda_ game. I figured I’d get the perfect gift for you this Christmas, and I don’t want it to go to waste!”

For one brief moment, she stared at him in utter shock, her current lotus position totally forgotten. Looking back at this moment, it would be the first time in his life, all two years of it, that he’d ever seen her cry.

“I… All this time, I thought that being an independent, solo agent… I thought that would be the path I’d take in life. But ever since you came into my RC… Ever since _that_ time… I… I’ve come to realize how totally _wrong_ I was.” She wiped the tears from her cheeks and sniffed loudly. “I’m so, _so_ sorry I broke my promise to never close my heart to you, Backslash. Now that I know what you were planning, I’ll never do that again.”

“So, is that a…”

She beamed at him. “ _Yes!!!_ ”

Backslash started crying with happiness himself. “I… I never thought you’d actually—”

“You’ve given me a purpose, Backslash, as much as I did to you. How could I not say yes?”

She leaned in to kiss him, but her legs were still crossed, resulting in her falling over on top of him. The two of them finally burst into teary-eyed laughter.

“Aww, you made me drop it!” said Backslash, still chortling.

Whitney picked the ring out of the grass and put it on her finger. “Sorry!”

“So, I guess this means it’s official?”

She grinned and kissed him on the lips. “You bet your shiny undead gluteus it is. Merry Christmas indeed!”

He couldn’t help but grin back. “Merry Christmas to you to, Whitey,” he said, just before his lips met hers once again.

All around the happy couple, through the gentle early winter breeze, a light snow began to fall.


End file.
